Joyful versus happiness

I was thinking about what it meant when people say that all they want in their life is to be happy.

A few years back, I told a friend that my goal in life was not to be happy. He must have thought I was sadistic.

Then I realised that I must have shocked him.

There's a line in Sophie B Hawkin's "As I lay Me Down" that says "I wonder why I feel so high, though I am not above my sorrows". I do realised that a lot of things in life are many good things which do not make you happy, but they bring your joy.

Obedience, perserverance, responsibility, commitment, being patient, faithfulness, kindness... how happy can we possibly be waiting for someone, committing to something, doing something because out of responsibility, sticking on and pressing on when we don't really feel like it? The ways of the world teaches is to do whatever that makes you happy, and leave the uncomfortable things in life belongs to realms of the religious and overly moralistic.

Happiness is a feeling, joy isn't. Joy is knowing that you are bearing the fruits of the spirit inside you, knowing that even when that moment ends, you come out more like Jesus, who was not above His own sorrows, but walked in joyful obedience to the way of the cross.

Oh yes, how I got this thought.. I was climbing up the stairwell from the first to second floor in between meetings, thinking about what Jack Neo would have done if he resisted his extra-marital temptations and fought the thought that the pursuit of his own happiness isn't just the only goal his life. Very miserable, but hopefully responsibly and obediently joyful.

Still a special bunch...

At 11.30pm, my phone rings. Wonder who can it be.

Voices came on the other side, it was Audrey. Then more voices, and I remembered that it was 27  Feb. They have included me in the email for the CNY gathering at Angie's.

They took turns to talk to me, every one of them, except Angie who was tending to the baby. I don't know if they knew I was envious, and was also touched. For the short moments, I caught myself laughing. They are such happy, generous, thoughtful and amazing people.

I missed the tribe. I must have been very blessed to know people who still thought of me after 6 years of absence.

Happy new year to you all too. God bless all of you.

When Love Happens After Valentine's Day

We didn't have a fancy Valentine's day. I made 3 photo collages of all our shared moments, and he bought me some tulips. We had lunch at South Melbourne, walked around the NGV, and he had to spend chinese new year dinner with his family. We weren't in the best of lovey moods.

24 hours later, I called him after spotting a moth in the room. I have a out-of-proportion fear for moths (second only to cockroaches). It was 1.20am. There is no one at the house. I called him up in panic, and he tried pacifying me in his drowsiness. When the moth went into hiding, I went into panic, imaginations of how it will fly into my face surfaces. I have a knack for attracting creepy crawlies- a cockroach flew right unto my face while I was sleeping once, another one crept up my foot... a beetle flew past and got stuck in my hair even as I was running away from it, a spider I spotted in the living room walked right next to me in the shower stall, another spider with fat hairy legs nearly got flung unto me when I slammed the car door closed, and I ran out from the other side before you can say 'OMG'.

Back to the eventful night, he got into his car after hearing me fruitless attempts at trying to prod everything using a mop. Unfortunately, I only found the moth after he was already reaching.

The strange thing was, I felt that love happened after valentine's day. As I type, I am still looking at the pretty pink tulips in their half blossoms, but I can't help knowing that as unromantic as it sounds, there was love happening when someone gets out of bed, drives 20mins each way to help you rid a harmless moth.

I am still thinking about it at 3am...

What do you want to reap?

What do you want to reap tomorrow?

Just thinking about it makes me nervous, sometimes sad.

Nervous because I don't know if I am making the right decision. Sad because I usually have a humanly-devised ideal solution that is also usually out of reach.

Amidst the slew of decisions made and those to be made in the next few weeks, I was listening to the Derek Prince podcast on my way home today. He spoke on finding security in doing God's will. It reminded me of how as I grew older, I am more afraid of making wrong decisions, even little mistakes that will cost me a day of wasted time. My patience with myself falls short as well.

I know doing God's will will reap me the right fruits, and knowing that you are doing it with God's stamp of approval makes you feel real secure. Think about making a heavy financial investment by yourself versus together with someone. The risk of defaulting is definitely there, but the level of risk is mitigated by the strongest person in the partnership. If God is all powerful, then I want to have him in all the scary decisions that I make.

Time to snooze. Too much frustrations tonight...

Deja Vu

"Hey, how's your day? Is everything going fine?"

It was a text message that brought back a sense of deja vu. Some years back, while I was feeling sad, having a stomachache and the cat was sick, there was another sms that was came that same manner, only much more touching.

I laughed as we exchanged a few more texts and I fell asleep happily soon after.

In For One More Day, Mitch Albom wrote about Charley Benetto who was at his end of his wits. He was about to visit his childhood home to end his life, until he had a flashback, spending one final day with his dead mother. Together with his mother, he went back in time to see how his mother never stopped loving him and his sister, despite him trying to gain validation from an absent dad. The sections "Times I did not stand up for my mother" vs "Times My mother stood up for me" was bittersweet for me as well. In the end, Charley did not want to die any more, for he discovered how much his life was valued by being loved.

Know the ones who love you, for even when love cannot change circumstances, it can still lift you out of your darkest pits.

For the thief (devil) comes to destroy, but Jesus came that we may have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10).

A Whiff of Fresh Air

Isn't it strange how you never noticed someone's soft spot for you till you zoom out to look at the bigger picture?

Faithfulness and Uncertainty

Sometimes, we will have to make a 100 percent commitment to something even thought we do not have 100 percent certainty in our beliefs about it. When we can live in the midst of uncertainty with joyful and courageous commitment, we will change. We will become, maybe not more certain, but more faithful. And faithfulness matters more than certainty. It just doesn't feel as good.

What matters then is not certainty, but faithfulness. When certainty is not possible, faithfulness is still on the table.

Out of the Craziness

I must be the only one to be glad that the holidays are over.

Four full days in Sydney: eating roasts, a big nectarine & apricot cake, drinking copious amount of coffee and wine, reuniting with intersate and overseas friends, meeting up Kwok's colleagues from Mallesons, Rockband, brekky @ Bills and Gunners Barracks (both thumbs down), beautiful Mosman with dreamy yatchs just outside the balcony (to die for)...

I'm back to normalcy again. I haven't quite had that much time to think about things amidst the crazy buzz of the holidays.

Most of all, I always thought I wanted an answer to something, without figuring out if I myself had the answer. I haven't sat myself down to seriously consider if this was something I wanted. Reasons aside, I have deviated to a point that I need to slow myself down and take serious stock.

My first temptation came shortly after they've kept the fireworks. The recruiter called once again. He's always given me the feeling of someone manipulative. Before he can dangle another questionable job offer for this year, I got ahead of him by politely telling him what jobs I am truly interested in. Did I want to hear the rest? No thanks. I would like to stay focused. He later emailed to wish me happy new year.

If 2009 is a drift-along year, 2010 will be more adventurous and fruitful. Give me something exciting to work with, and with the help from God, it'll surely bring forth good fruits.

Christmas Ironies

It's Christmas day today and I'm heading off to Sydney in a few hours.

Driving along the freeway tonight, I was having a conversation with God. I thanked Him for sending Jesus down to earth, and to eventually die for us.

Jesus is his manifestation of God's love for us. This is why we celebrate Christmas.

Yet there are people I know that wished for this season to be over soon. It's a time where they are reminded of their loneliness, the lack of loved-ones around, the silence of the house as their neighbours fairy lights blinked on. All is calm, but there is no sleeping in heavenly peace.

I don't have family and close friends with me at this moment. Pangs of sadness did hit me as I was doing my last minute Christmas shopping and images of happy people and rowdy noises overwhelme me. I was also reminded of a single mother who will be spending Christmas all by herself. My heart sunk and I told God how much I really missed Him as my company.

So I ended the conversation in the car telling God that Christmas should be even more for those who are sad, lonely and hurting- for these are the people God has so much love for. Jesus would have invited them to his birthday party today.

Maybe another day.... when Christmas is really celebrated for what it is meant for.

Before 35

My good friend Sha did this in her blog, and I thought it's good to think about it (while recuperating at home from a lousy bout of gastro)

Things I would like to do before 35
1) Get married- Highly dependent on God
2) Be conversant in French - gave a lot back since sitting in french class in uni speaking hokkien with angela... oh, that and checking out the butt of the french instructor.
3) Finish the 10km marathon - I will sign up for the next one in 2010
4) Live in a place I can call my own - no more fearful eviction letters from housing agents!
5) Bring a person in need of God to church - not just inviting a friend
6) Serve in church
7) Learn photoshop
8) Finish reading the bible
9) Go camping
10) Swim and cycle decently

Some Japan Pics

I can still dream of Japan from time to time.

If you ask me, I will go back there again, maybe in a different season.

I love the Asian-ness of the place.

Fushimi Inari - Too many Torii (gates) to count... thousands...
























Mister Donut- Our morning staple. The green tea flavoured ones always runs out first.



















Streets of Takayama - This is my favourite strip of all Japan. I love the wooden shophouses and the amazing local products, crafts, food of the Hida region. I can go walk there 1,000,000 times.


















A really nice sweet shop in Takayama- Did I tell you that I really like sweets? I'm also a sucker for good looking sweets.
















Shirakawa-go: 1 hour bus ride from Takayama. It is nestled in the valleys. During the winter, all the thatched roofs are laden with a thick layer of snow. I can huddle here for my honeymoon or something. It is soooo dreamy!

Der Raum

Trying to paint the town red again.

This time, we headed down to 2008 Bar of the Year- Der Raum at Church St. This unpretentious little cocktail joint is not your everyday cocktail lounge. The bartenders there are not only cute, but they are apt at finding you the right cooktail, as well as making cocktail blending look like such an amazing craft!

After mulling through the cocktail list for a good 10 mins, I was lured into ordering a Lemon Buttered Rum, just because it's got lemon butter, and maple syrup! The man ordered a a chocolate cocktail- a mixture of chocolate and yellow chartreuse (spice-like liquor) and frozen using liquid nitrogen into an ice-cream texture in 1 minute flat. It was fascinating to watch, very much like Macbeth and the witches cauldron bubbling with smoke as the bartender mix the ingredients up with his long metal spoon. I'm glad I got the bar seat, because the fun is really in the watching. The presentation of the drinks was creative and nothing short of a high ball glass.

Of course, did I already mention the cute bartenders? They are real friendly, and not the stuck-up sorts you see in most bars. The guy who who made my drink made it a point to chat with us, not in a patronising sort of way, but trying to suss out what sort of flavours we like so that he can make our drinking experience more satisfying.

The man was probably more delighted to meet Masterchef finalist Linda Kowalski. I thought she was quite nice when we were talking about her food escapades in Italy. Of course, I did not realise who she is as I am ridiculously bad at recognising faces. I can have Matt Preston sit next to me and I'll be asking him what he does for a living.

The bartender trying to mix the chocolate cocktail with liquid nitrogen

If work is the context, what's the goal?

I've been thinking about this a little.

While no one will be able to come to their own funeral to hear the eulogies, you can certainly tell a little with the numerous farewells in life.

A colleague just left. I bought her the card and present on behalf of the team, another colleague organised a lunch. We weren't that close to her, but decided that if we weren't doing it, no one was going to.

Which is a little strange, considering she's been seen as such a good worker. She works long hours, delivers her assignments with spunk, and might be one of the more professional people I've worked with.

Problem is, she's too task driven to stop to have a real chat with any of us. The 'hi' is always a prelude to work. We sort of gave up talking much to her after a while, feeling like all she wanted was to just tick the box, and not really being that interested in our lives.

Maybe it is not everyone's mantra to make friends at work, just keep it at colleague level.

Which may have explained why the farewell was a little nondescript.

If God gave us work as a context, what is the goal?

I'd like to think that it is to show God's love and glory.

But is it a little hard to do so if there weren't bonds of human relationship that acts as a bridge between two people. It is from this bridge that God's love and glory get a chance to travel back and forth.

I never think work is about working 8-12 hours, delivering the goods and leave feeling that you never really made a difference around those you worked with.

Humans... we are made to connect aren't we?

Marriage...

Was reading through these interesting write-ups about marriage:

“Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. They will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and patience and courage and understanding. They will have said ‘I’m sorry’ too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both of their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low.”

(Bill Hybels, Fit to be Tied)


“I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy successful. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible that you did marry the wrong person. However if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all.

On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.”

(Zig Ziglar)

Heart's desires

I actually don't know what my yearnings are for, to go back to the days of the 20s, or the people whom I left behind.

Since I got out of school, I couldn't think of a year where I couldn't get friends for a holiday. There were some friends who have gone places with me, whom I know are such great traveling buddies. Among people like Audrey and Atikah, there was the annual tribal trip. For the last 2 years, the tribal trip had to take a backseat as two members had their little ones.

The thing is, my heart still longs for a holiday, and it feels lonely not having someone to get excited with. I haven't been able to find a traveling buddy here.

I thought a lot about my friends back home a lot. I probably thought more about them than I contact them. You know you've aged when you think about the past more than the future.

I used to think I'd like to be in Melbourne because of the work-life balance. I thought about having my own family and wanted very much to have time for that. In a nutshell, I bought the biggest bucket, and stood waiting for rain.

Yet the rain never really came.

I guess I never thought about Plan B. Like a lot of people my age, it would be nice to be near family and friends, people who understand you and accept you.

I'll be still standing around with my bucket, but if the rain doesn't come, life has to go on, and choices to be made. Idealism has to sometimes take a back seat, and the reality is what really counts for now.

Nevertheless, I thank God that He's given me a place to rest, and when I need to move on, He'll bring me to the next place. Hey, this sure sounds like 40 years in the desert isn't it?!

Random Thoughts...

Well, I was suppose to blog about last week's travel to New Zealand, but since I'm working on a different laptop now, I can't post up the pics. So just some random thoughts to fill the blanks.

Some week ago, the cell group played an icebreaker answering the question "Who would you like to sit next to in a plane on a long-haul flight? (other than your partner)". In my teens, it would have been some movie star, then in my early 20s, it'll be some cute guy with more than 8hours potential, but the strangest answer that most gave now is "hopefully there's no one sitting next to me so i can have more space!"

I had that dream come true over my recent work trip to Wellington. I had 2 empty seats next to me on my way there and back, a hotel upgrade to the executive suit with a large king bed and 8 pillows to boot (plus a pillow menu with 4 other kinds of pillows to add on), but how many pillows does 1 person need? I had a card to swipe for 3 nice meals everyday, and yet there was just that many times you can muster a 'Table for 1 please' and not get a "pardon?" from the wait staff. For all that's worth, I'll trade all the fancy stuff in for a travelling buddy!

Is there a place for 1 in this world? Are we our best and worse company?

I must say I've been accustomed to both lifestyles. As I disembarked the plane this time, I did felt that I've taken too many solo plane flights in the last decade, with each time becoming more normal and less of an adventure. 

N.B: For the record, I did walk into a noisy Belgian pub and asked for a huge pot of mussels, fries and a beer, sat in the middle of the restaurant, tackled as many of my green-lipped mussels, slurped my Belle Vue Krik, and at no time did I attempt to hide under the guise of being engrossed in a novel/newspaper/text messages. I did score better service with the waitress who probably thought I got stood up by a date.

View from the NZ Office's Breakout Room




































View from the hotel balcony- NZ Post Building

























Weekend Breakfast at Cuba St - Floriditas

Autumn Snow

Victoria experienced a cold snap in the midst of Autumn last week. Besides digging up those winter woolies from the recesses of your cupboard, I dug up those gloves and beanies as well.

Mt Buller opened for the weekend as a result of the snow dump. The Bourke Street run was opened, and close to 2000 excited victorians made their way up for an early pilgrimage.

Besides slight patches of mud/grass threatening to show on the flatter slopes of the run, I am a happy snowboarder again. This time, I am less of a tumblebunny than a snow bunny, so I must say that I enjoyed myself more this time round. 4 years back, it took me 2hours to get down the same run on a pair of skis, but this time took me only 2 mins with the snowboard. Wheee!... Oh, Autumn skiing is very very very hot. If I had my way, a singlet and shorts will do me just fine.

Matthias and Flora came with us, and Flora did rather well, managing the run at the end of the afternoon. There were not that many beginners since none of the facilities were opened. Evidently, there was more snowboarders than skiers, and I stand by my choice that snowboarding is reallllllly more fun! (Thanks to the lighter Burton Board as well.. tsk tsk)

Hmm... this may be the end of snow season for me, even before the real snow season started!

One Last Midnight Post

When do we make a right decision, and when do we make the decision right?

We make the right decision with faith, and we make the decision right with hope.

Faith because we can't see the future. Hope because we can only see the future.

Faith, hope and love. Love is still greatest. It gives strength to the faithless, hope to the weary.

I will try...

I will try to forget the hurtful words
Remember the ones that were beautiful
I'll ask that winds not to weather lines of doubts
And return me to the day I first loved you

I remembered you were my hero
You were strong, yet gentle and kind
I laughed when you were around
Smiled when you filled my mind

I want to be admired
Loved, respected
To also do the same for you
Even if we are both imperfect beings

Flog not the relationship
Blame not the person
Belittle not the other
Think not always about yourself.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Phil 4:8)

Heroic Birthday Trip

My blog hasn't been the most up to date these days. Apologies to those who were caught in between the intermission.

I've got these pictures saved as draft and they dated a few months back. These are the ones taken in end november where I added another count to the Great Ocean Road. Found a cosy little accomodation "All About Lorne" just about the same time the schoolies hit Lorne. Turned out that Michelle knew the owner of this place.

Halfway through our journey, we stopped by Bellbrae Harvest for lunch. We walked away our calories off at Apollo Bay, settling for a great view at Marriners Lookout. Had dinner at Lorne Oven House, and fled away from the noisy schoolies for a quiet night thereafter.

Morning brekky was served at Cafe Kaos, and we walked along the beach to nearby sounds of 'dosh dosh', but packed up soon after to find another piece of paradise. Dosh dosh music really doesn't go with the idyllic beach, and if not for celebrating a birthday, it was probably a rather bad time to head down to Lorne. Neverthless, it was a lovely weather to be there, and it was a weekend well spent.

Our last stop was the Split Point Lighthouse, which recently offered (or re-offered) hourly tours inside the lighthouse. I don't remember having gone into a lighthouse before. It was very windy at the top, but offered a good vantage point to all 360 degrees of the manificient Great Ocean Road scenary.

Came home exhausted but happy. The birthday boy was a litte sick though.


Split Point Lighthouse - hourly tours are available to see the inside of the lighthouse

Views from the top of the lighthouse























Outside the window of our patio at "All About Lorne"

View from Marriners Lookout - a favourite launch sit for hand gliders

My lamb in filo at Bellbrae Harvest