When God Sent the Angels...

I felt like I have taken the wrong flight, landed on a strange country, and now I am safely back.

The feeling to describe the first moment was 'stunned'. Then followed by a kind of whirlwind and you find yourself swirled uncontrollably. No matter how hard you try to stop it, your emotions get pulled in and in just that split moment, you were no longer just sipping a cup of tea and going with the flow.

I was prematurely put in a situation that spoiled my grand entrance.

Then it was just assessing how big the situation is. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!

When I was getting over being 'stunned', it was down facing what is real. I have to say that I controlled my anxious thoughts fairly well.

I had an encounter with an angel. I see him at some occasions for the last 10 years, but never really said much. Turns out that he was an angel sent by God after I prayed so hard and declared His goodness. Frankly that was the last I would have expected. I was still amazed at what an iphone can do these days. In what was supposed to be an protracted anxious wait, it was over in a few hours.

The angel called and I broke into a smile. It is a crazy moment where I can clearly link this ending with the orchestration of God. It was a miracle! I know if I told the story, not many will believe, preferring to state other coincidences or reasons, but I truly believe that God's hand was in this. He not only set the outcome, He fixed the delivery in such a way that things went on so smoothly on what was supposed to be a stressed moment.

Why does he have to do that? Why did I do right to deserve this sort of out-of-the-way treatment? I feel very small, yet very loved. I saw the love of God through my angel.

Thanks also for arranging my dear friend as a middleman, and for believing with me. I slept like a baby last night, and I am quite happy that I passed this test with flying colours. I chose to believe!

Thanks Angel. You reminded me of what Jesus did when He was in this world - helping others, displaying such humility, doing big things for small people, and showing such earnestness.

Thank you God for this. Although I was so fearful at times, I seen so much of your goodness out of it.

Those losses in life...

Let's just say one day you were walking along the sidewalk, and you realised your car is gone.

While you were looking in disbelief, you reach for your pocket and your wallet is stolen.

The dog you were walking suddenly took off, and you soon lose sight of it.

You walked a long way home, only to realise that the bank has repossessed your house.Your spouse has left you for another person and has left the divorce papers on the table.

The next day, you got into work and found out that you were made redundant.

How much loss can a human take?

How much loss can a Christian take?

I used to think that people will just fall sad, depressed, hopeless and perhaps they might turn to suicide. After all, do we even believe that such misfortunes can fall unto one person unless you are Job in the bible?

Then I realised a very strange thing.

When you lose everything, or at least perhaps the top 5 things that are important to you, life doesn't stop. Cruel as it is, the world will still spins, people around you still smile, when you lose the top 6 things of your life.

Strangely enough, after you have lost enough, cried the tears, tore the bible in anger, cursed life and hopefully not God, losing the 8th, 9th, and 10th no longer really mattered. Losing the 11th starts to feel like a normal routine. Somewhere between the 13th and seeing your ex-spouse posting a photo of someone else on facebook, you wonder why you haven't died from all the loss yet.

One day when you wake up and find there is nothing precious left to lose, that is when you laugh back at the wind. You will bring out your 14th, 15th and 16th of my ole-so-preeecious, and offer them up if this losing business is going to stay. Why not lose everything at one go and have nothing more to lose?

That is when losing starts losing its effect on you.

That is when you triumph the loss.

To be more specific, you triumph over the fear of loss.

It is not being fatalistic. When you laugh at having nothing left to lose, you gain a new sense of freedom over fear. Have you not tossed and turned over a time when you might lose your job, lose a love one, lose a house, lose your health and lose your money?

I hate to say this, you are not likely to die as a direct consequence of it. Maybe other than health.

In fact, the knowledge that you can technically lose no more is very liberating. That is when life unfolds a new chapter, and you now know how to survive a life in a very dry and lifeless desert. You know what you are made of, and more importantly, what your faith is made off. You get a revelation of the things you once relied upon, and how your life did not have to depend on having those to live. You become less panicky about future loss, knowing full well that you are made to weather storms of loss, and to enjoy when there are plentiful.

Finally you understand that when someone says "God loves you", you know it does not only come in the form of jobs, money, house, marriage, and kids. It comes when you still believe that He loves you when you have nothing.

Then you gain for yourself an immeasurable fistful of faith - the kind that fills you up despite of what little left you have.

Although I have to warn, losing and not possessing are never great feelings. It would not be. Given a right frame of mind, I would never choose to be inadequate. However if I was dealt with a full suite of losses, then I only pray that I have enough mettle to see it through till the sun rises for another day.

I thank God for what I once possessed, and I thank God for showing me His faith and love through my losses.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my favourite girl!

I love you so much!

Surrender...

Great faith results in great surrender.

I am a planner. I look far, plan wide, worry about tomorrow, the next week, think about the next job at the start of a current one, aim strategically, have visions, and cross my fingers.

At 21, a friend of mine shared with me about what his Professor talked about in Stanford, about writing out a 10 year plan for his life, I was inspired and wrote my own. It was difficult to write at that juncture, not even knowing what my career path will be, in an era of post Asian financial crisis. I knew I still wrote long and hard.

I find it hard to sit back and relax. My parents relied on me to be independent. Whatever choices I made, I was expected to bear the consequences.

Personally, I found it hard to 'let God' or follow His will. In my earlier world, if I do not step in to personally do, who else will do it for me?

Like the Israelites, it took me a long time and walking in circles before I know that my life was better surrendering to Him. By surrendering, I do not mean not doing anything, but moving through life pausing to consider if there was a direction I could yield myself to.

For now I come to His altar without much to offer. In the last few years, I have chosen to make independent decisions of relationships, jobs and finances without considering Him. I was in my planning mood, and eager to check the box without wanting to be sidetracked. In retrospect, it was a risky gamble, with consequences that made me feel like the prodigal daughter.

I did not 'come home' willingly though. I wrestled, bargained, pleaded, fought and mentally dug out my blueprints and angrily shook it at God's face. I had a good and fruitful plan, had the best intentions, put in my 120%, played it honest and fair, did it in great love, and I was then put into a spot where I have to dump that blueprint into the trash.

I came home eventually, tired and spent. Time passed, and I finally knew what it felt to let go and let God. I also came to learn that His plans are better than my plans, since what was I to know at 21 about the things that would have happened down the road. There are just so many unpredictable and uncontrollable things in life that is better put in the hands of the one who knows.

Last weekend, we took some old folks from the nursing home to the new Sentosa Sea Aquarium. I had an 88 year old in my charge. She was a quiet and pensive lady and very lucid at her age. On our bus ride there, she told me 'I am just waiting for my time to come'. Her husband had passed on earlier, and they have no children. She still wears her wedding ring, and in a culture like Singapore, you only go to the nursing home if there is no one who can care for you. Sitting with her, I wondered if her life had panned out the way she planned, if there were things she wished she had done differently, what is she planning after 88, and is it silly planning one's life so that we can diligently congratulate ourselves that we have checked those boxes we drew for ourselves, so we can now die with 'sensibility' and 'success' carved on our tombstones.

I am still diligent in the things that I am supposed to be doing now, except that I operate with a lot more space for God. I feel more peace about my relationships and job decisions, and lesser things threaten me when I know I am willing to let go of it when it is appropriate to do so. I have a renewed appreciation of not worrying about life and ticking time, not because I have decided to dumb-down, but to have faith through surrendering- something that looks deceptively simple on the surface, but requires such profound trust in God for it to happen.

What does a Christian wear?

"All religions gravitate toward rule keeping instead of relationship building." (Andy Stanley)

I'm following Andy's 'follow' series of sermon at the moment. It's been really a breath of fresh air, after feeling really disillusioned with the religion of Christianity and how it could breed people who appears Christian-ly shiny on the outside, but nothing short of self-righteousness in the inside. Christians who are more concerned about putting up a show for others to see, or justify themselves as good and moral beings, all because they have became too hung up with 'rule-keeping'. The modern Pharisees meet tax collectors- both Christians, but miles apart.

What impressions do Christians get of Christians when they go into a Christian context?

I go to church
I don't lie
I work very hard at my job (and hopefully earn well)
I spend time with my family
I do not chase after money overtly
I do not boast (at least not overtly either)
I do not cohabit
I keep a good marriage (and it's evident in facebook too)
I serve in church
I volunteer
I do missions
My kids do not fight, act violent or smack another kid
I look disapprovingly at parents who let their kids watch Gangnam style
I take notes during a sermon
I read the bible everyday
I tell people I will pray for them
I am not seen flirting with another girl
I don't change too many boyfriends
I don't wear very short skirts, slap on thick makeup and have drip dye hair of green and blue
I try not to look gossipy at work
I do not go to nightclubs nor enrol in pole dancing courses

In episode 4 of his 'follow' series, Andy Stanley spoke about what Christians wear. He pointed out that the followers of some religions dress in a certain way, and even football club supporters don their club colours to matches.

How do people identify us as Christians?

His answer is simple, yet he reminds that it sounds very ideal:

Following Jesus means clothing yourself in patience, gentleness, kindness, compassion, humility, forgiveness, and love. That kind of faith is powerful. It's the kind of faith that makes a difference instead of just making a point. Imagine how that kind of faith would change people's perceptions of the church. Imagine how it would change communities . . . nations . . . the world.

Why don rule-keeping impressions of what you read, who you mix with, and where you go? Why not cultivate relationship building character like patience, gentleness, kindness, compassion, humility, forgiveness and love? 

Indeed sometimes I ask myself whether I felt more bothered that I was missing church than if I have showed much compassion these days. Do you sometimes feel like the Christians around you are striving to portray this enviable image of everyone has their life held nicely in place by a silver bow, and the loud mouth, tattoo-wearing, neon legging single mother cannot be a kind, loving and patient Christian?

Watching this series made me think a lot of what it really means to be a Christian. Or like what Andy mentioned in Jesus' time, what it really mean to be a Jesus-follower. 

Quite possibly it also helped me bridge my rather tainted impressions about why sometimes Christians act the way they do.

It must be the wine...

There are people who walk around with a scale on their hand, ready to exact a pound of flesh. There are also those who walk around with a scale on their hand, ready to exchange for a measure of your smile.

Pick a person who values your smile more than he who values his own fair share.

His unconditional love

Just concluded the 3rd bible study at church on Galatians. It was about living life by grace or by law. Dug the Pharisee out of me, and of course got me thinking about God's unconditional love through grace.

If one sticks with a businessman of love long enough, one gets influenced to think of love like a business. What is in it for me? Is it fair? Do I get back something? How much do I get back? What are the returns of we merge and synergise? What do I want to see in you? Do you fulfil my ideal?

So it is quite a reminder when I reflect if I saw our relationship like a business deal. It was fairly unthinkable to not have to behave a certain way, follow a prescribed manner, get an endorsement from an upright peer, in order to qualify for God's love and blessings. Too easy.

God's love almost look too cheap. In today's world, cheap things don't last. We heard of easy come, easy go. I sometimes find its ubiquitous nature almost unattractive.

Now when I reflect, I have newfound respect on this ubiquitous unconditional love. It is not easy for someone to love all the time without having an expectation or wanting appreciation. Just the other day, I scoffed at the lyrics of some of these teenage songs my friend's daughter was showing me. The 'I-love-you-no-matter-what', the 'we are in this together', 'I want to do everything for you' lyrics were resoundingly ridiculous! I attributed it to the shallow aspect of young love.

If God penned such lyrics in a love song for me, would I roll my eyes? Would I rather return his love with some good works and pious behaviour so I can at least say I deserve it?

Since I belong to the school of thought that God is not Santa Claus here to serve my purpose, I may be equally guilty in thinking that I can ask for things in pious pretext that I am seeking his will, doing his works and behaving like a good Christian.

So rightly Paul chided the Galatians "Are you so foolish? After beginning by the means of the Spirit, are you trying to finish by means of the flesh'.

I must say I still need to get my head around with His unconditional love.