Parents

I wonder if parents have to relearn to behave themselves when they are old so as not to incur the wrath of their children.

I wonder if parents make unforgivable mistakes.

I wonder if between a parent and their child, the happiest moment is always when they were born because it doesn't get any better after that.

I wonder if between two or more children, there is no possibility of favouritism or preferences. Surely we know if we liked chocolate or strawberry ice cream better!

I wonder why they never made a big deal out of a parent-child relationship when it is harder to severe than a marriage.

I wonder what happens to a child who has to be the parent's parent?

I wonder if there is an age when parents start getting useless and children start getting useful?

I wonder what my parents are thinking today.

I wonder if they know what I am thinking too.

Gethsemane moments

What good is God during those Gethsemane moments?

Especially when the one in the garden is not Jesus.

Bad dreams are made of these...

Do we lie in dreams? Is a dream the best predictor of our responses in 'what if' situations?

I had a vivid dream last night, so much so that I drifted in and out of consciousness and it was a long long dream.

It must be how I have read about the 2 boys who died in the road accident here. I dreamt that someone close to me died in a road accident. It was a dream that spanned many days. I received news of it and I did not break down. I was more in disbelief. I walked around in my dream wondering how could that be, that it has to be a joke. Then I got angry... I was mad that he just left this world like that, no goodbyes, no see you later, no reasons why he had to leave. No, in deeper thoughts, I was livid in the dream! I kept asking if there was someone who saw him last, and if he left a last message for me before he breathe his last.

"Tell Laura I love her..."

I went around crying next. I must be tired from the many thoughts that ran in my mind. The grief finally hit and I cried in deep agony. I have never had a loved one died before, so the saddest I ever felt was when my cat of 20 years passed on. I never knew sudden grief in such a manner. It was heart wrenching.

In my dreams, my friends came to cheer me up, and offered practical 'next steps' advice. Like Job, I remembered nothing comforting went into my brains.

I lamented for his short lived life like it was my own. "He's always wanted to do things fast and do lots! How ridiculous it is to have life cut short like this".

After what felt like 20 days of grieving, I woke up finally, glad that nothing bad has happened. It did made me think about how ridiculous the curveballs in life can be. Would I just curse God and die?

I don't really know. Maybe that is why we avoid the happiness of today for fear of the pain it can potentially bring tomorrow. Or we selectively forget the pain when it happens, hoping that amnesia is the best antidote to pretend the good, the mistakes we make, the joys never existed because we were afraid that on such a moment, we don't know what to do when the music dies.

I have a 17 year old "Made in France" oven which a best friend bought for my birthday. It still bakes beautifully, except that it will get hotter and hotter, and the sensor or themostat is broken and it cannot stop the heating till it becomes too dangerously hot and it trips the safety circuit. I wonder if grief takes a beating that way when we do not have a working thermostat or our emotional sensors are faulty.

I wonder if my response would have been the same had it happened in real life. Dreams don't lie, do they?

Lord, thank you just because he is alive.