"The best boundary against giving in to bad relationships, less-than-satisfactory relationships, or bad dynamics in a good relationship is your not needing that relationship." (Boundaries before Marriage- Cloud and Townsend)
I don't mean divorce, break ups or the actions to take against a bad relationship. As I thought about what to write to a friend over the weekend, I know she was not seeking my advice as to 'what she should do', but rather, how to 'think' when you feel that you are in a relationship gone wrong. I flipped through "Boundaries before Marriage' for the 3rd time, and my eyes remained on this line. I partially liked it because I do like ironies- one of my crazy quirks, but most of all, I thought that is a good line to reflect upon even in my own relationships.
Over last year, I only found courage to confront a friend after I decided not to 'need that friendship'. It was a very good friend I'm talking about, but I was beginning to feel that there was an imbalance in how we give and receive in that friendship. 3 months of silence and 3000 kms later, we had a very frank talk about how we felt in the relationship, something we never done over the 18 years of friendship. I knew I stand losing a valuable friendship if she had walked away during that silence, and I could have allowed myself to harbour feelings of being compromised and keep the friendship for the sake of it. It is an irony that it was only through not needing the friendship that I found myself reclaiming a better friendship in the process.
Not needing the relationship doesn't mean that you no longer care about the relationship, or that you should take the first boat/bus/tram out, but it simply means you are no longer holding yourself hostage to the relationship by needing that relationship so badly that you forget the reason why you were in that relationship in the first place. At the thought of losing, you are happy to settle for form over substance, not realising how it would return to gnaw at you later.
Reflecting on that line as I finish writing that letter, I found out that the difference between playing first and second fiddle is possessing courage and faith- courage to lose, but faith to claim the better.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
Thursday, March 20, 2008
How to add a dash of fun...
It's the place that makes an outing fun, but it's the people who makes fun possible.
That was the conclusion I made after last Saturday's trip to Monsalvat. It was a lazy afternoon, 2 people just got off work, 1 was fully charred and I was as usual, a happy tripster. It was suppose to be a larger group outing, but I'm glad Dan kept it going.
In the end, it was quite a funny trip. I like the old French architecture, the rustic little artist workshops, the art galleries, right down to the rusted metal wheel sitting next to a whitewashed cobwebbed wall. The fun part came when everyone took turns snapping silly pictures of ourselves, just to compensate for the heat that attempted to dull our enthusiasm.
I'll let the pics speak for me... It's been a long week and I have procrastinated this entry till now!
That was the conclusion I made after last Saturday's trip to Monsalvat. It was a lazy afternoon, 2 people just got off work, 1 was fully charred and I was as usual, a happy tripster. It was suppose to be a larger group outing, but I'm glad Dan kept it going.
In the end, it was quite a funny trip. I like the old French architecture, the rustic little artist workshops, the art galleries, right down to the rusted metal wheel sitting next to a whitewashed cobwebbed wall. The fun part came when everyone took turns snapping silly pictures of ourselves, just to compensate for the heat that attempted to dull our enthusiasm.
I'll let the pics speak for me... It's been a long week and I have procrastinated this entry till now!
Friday, March 14, 2008
Waiting Part 2..
If waiting is the time between prayer and revelation, is there an attitude to waiting?
I was drained out during the whole of yesterday. For the first time, I was being called to seek God's presence many times, yet never knew why I was drawn to my knees each time. Later that day, I got to know that a friend's mum was on the verge of death, and I was desperate and wanted someone to pray with me. I thought about who's around but ended up emailing the necessary hero to pray. Nearer the end of the day, I still felt that drawing feeling. Prayed with Tracy via long distance phone call before I could get to sleep.
24 hours later, my friend's mum had managed to pull through the night. I also received a call from a recruiter who informed me that he's going to pass my resume to some companies (this was after a very disappointing meeting with his colleague who did not look remotely interested). I continued to ask God what yesterday was about- I was drawn to reflect my own attitude of waiting recently. I have gotten anxious with the actors in a play when the producer/director is the one determining the pace of it, and the bigger revelation being that if I want to be fearful while waiting, I am handing myself a death sentence of a different kind, prayer or no prayer.
In retrospect, the reason why I found 'Waiting' (the book) beautiful was also because Shuyi the ex-wife waited with faith, for there was no mention of her fears or the troublesome psychology of 'what-ifs' despite going through 18 years of impending divorce. I believe that was what Lin saw when he chose this 'peace of mind' over love.
Waiting becomes a peaceful anticipation when you wait in faith, but turns into a hungry beast that devours you when you wait in fear.
I was drained out during the whole of yesterday. For the first time, I was being called to seek God's presence many times, yet never knew why I was drawn to my knees each time. Later that day, I got to know that a friend's mum was on the verge of death, and I was desperate and wanted someone to pray with me. I thought about who's around but ended up emailing the necessary hero to pray. Nearer the end of the day, I still felt that drawing feeling. Prayed with Tracy via long distance phone call before I could get to sleep.
24 hours later, my friend's mum had managed to pull through the night. I also received a call from a recruiter who informed me that he's going to pass my resume to some companies (this was after a very disappointing meeting with his colleague who did not look remotely interested). I continued to ask God what yesterday was about- I was drawn to reflect my own attitude of waiting recently. I have gotten anxious with the actors in a play when the producer/director is the one determining the pace of it, and the bigger revelation being that if I want to be fearful while waiting, I am handing myself a death sentence of a different kind, prayer or no prayer.
In retrospect, the reason why I found 'Waiting' (the book) beautiful was also because Shuyi the ex-wife waited with faith, for there was no mention of her fears or the troublesome psychology of 'what-ifs' despite going through 18 years of impending divorce. I believe that was what Lin saw when he chose this 'peace of mind' over love.
Waiting becomes a peaceful anticipation when you wait in faith, but turns into a hungry beast that devours you when you wait in fear.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Waiting...
"Yet one thing he was certain about now: between love and peace of mind he would choose the latter." - Waiting, Ha Jin
A man waited for 18 years to divorce his wife only to finally find out this truth about his true love. He thought that time tested love would reveal its own spectacular glory once realised, only to conclude that "he had never loved a woman wholeheartedly and that he had always been the loved one". In his drunken stupor, he asked his ex-wife if she would wait for his return after his current wife dies. The ex-wife subserviently agrees.
I enjoyed this deceptively simple book, the breadcrumbs remnants on it would probably hint that I didn't put it down for 2 days. The setting was beautifully described, transporting you to the old China during the Chinese Revolution, but despite that, the love between Lin, his longsuffering wife Shuyi and his forbidden love Manna Wu were juxtaposed intricately within.
The book did got me thinking a little about the story. It's a refreshing change from the Hollywood plot, and somewhat challenges the political-correctness of typical notions of love. Is it ironic that in the quest for pure love, the weariness of the journey end up killing this very same love? Is love worth revisiting after going through the ravages of time? Does the notion of forbidden love accentuates our wants so much that it causes us to overlook if it was love in the first place?
A little hard-hitting here for a midnight blog. It was meant to recommend the book for those who might want a simple but thought-provoking book. Not suitable for starry-eyed lovers, but for those who would like a dose of down-to-earth beauty in their romance fodder, this book is a must-read.
I'm now reading "In the Pond" by the same author; my hunch is that it will be less heart-wrenching than Waiting.
A man waited for 18 years to divorce his wife only to finally find out this truth about his true love. He thought that time tested love would reveal its own spectacular glory once realised, only to conclude that "he had never loved a woman wholeheartedly and that he had always been the loved one". In his drunken stupor, he asked his ex-wife if she would wait for his return after his current wife dies. The ex-wife subserviently agrees.
I enjoyed this deceptively simple book, the breadcrumbs remnants on it would probably hint that I didn't put it down for 2 days. The setting was beautifully described, transporting you to the old China during the Chinese Revolution, but despite that, the love between Lin, his longsuffering wife Shuyi and his forbidden love Manna Wu were juxtaposed intricately within.
The book did got me thinking a little about the story. It's a refreshing change from the Hollywood plot, and somewhat challenges the political-correctness of typical notions of love. Is it ironic that in the quest for pure love, the weariness of the journey end up killing this very same love? Is love worth revisiting after going through the ravages of time? Does the notion of forbidden love accentuates our wants so much that it causes us to overlook if it was love in the first place?
A little hard-hitting here for a midnight blog. It was meant to recommend the book for those who might want a simple but thought-provoking book. Not suitable for starry-eyed lovers, but for those who would like a dose of down-to-earth beauty in their romance fodder, this book is a must-read.
I'm now reading "In the Pond" by the same author; my hunch is that it will be less heart-wrenching than Waiting.
