It must be the wine...

There are people who walk around with a scale on their hand, ready to exact a pound of flesh. There are also those who walk around with a scale on their hand, ready to exchange for a measure of your smile.

Pick a person who values your smile more than he who values his own fair share.

His unconditional love

Just concluded the 3rd bible study at church on Galatians. It was about living life by grace or by law. Dug the Pharisee out of me, and of course got me thinking about God's unconditional love through grace.

If one sticks with a businessman of love long enough, one gets influenced to think of love like a business. What is in it for me? Is it fair? Do I get back something? How much do I get back? What are the returns of we merge and synergise? What do I want to see in you? Do you fulfil my ideal?

So it is quite a reminder when I reflect if I saw our relationship like a business deal. It was fairly unthinkable to not have to behave a certain way, follow a prescribed manner, get an endorsement from an upright peer, in order to qualify for God's love and blessings. Too easy.

God's love almost look too cheap. In today's world, cheap things don't last. We heard of easy come, easy go. I sometimes find its ubiquitous nature almost unattractive.

Now when I reflect, I have newfound respect on this ubiquitous unconditional love. It is not easy for someone to love all the time without having an expectation or wanting appreciation. Just the other day, I scoffed at the lyrics of some of these teenage songs my friend's daughter was showing me. The 'I-love-you-no-matter-what', the 'we are in this together', 'I want to do everything for you' lyrics were resoundingly ridiculous! I attributed it to the shallow aspect of young love.

If God penned such lyrics in a love song for me, would I roll my eyes? Would I rather return his love with some good works and pious behaviour so I can at least say I deserve it?

Since I belong to the school of thought that God is not Santa Claus here to serve my purpose, I may be equally guilty in thinking that I can ask for things in pious pretext that I am seeking his will, doing his works and behaving like a good Christian.

So rightly Paul chided the Galatians "Are you so foolish? After beginning by the means of the Spirit, are you trying to finish by means of the flesh'.

I must say I still need to get my head around with His unconditional love.

I laughed and cried...

I was reading this blog about an Australia expatriate mom in Singapore, it really brought tears of laughter and sadness in me.

She wrote a couple of entries in the first year of her stay here. The things she find 'unusual' in Singapore, and the things that she misses about Australia. I nodded my head with laughter at her innocent observations on 'car indicators/signals are optional' and stuffed with 'bread full of added sugar'. There was also the 'internet with unlimited download data' and being able to take a cab without breaking the bank.

I laughed because I did not know who to identify with- the Singaporean in me or that Aussie way of living that I have already gotten so used to. Once upon a time, I whinged at the supermakets in Australia for not having asian produce. It took a few years and I hardly make separate trips to chinese groceries except for a joyride. Now I wander along the aisles of NTUC wondering why cured meats are only limited to cocktail sausages and streaky bacon.

It feels like just when you have got into the groove of things into your blood and suddenly you find yourself waking up and all the things of the past was just a dream. I have got into routines which can last forever. Waking up to the smell of lattes, or even my Nescafe short black (not sold in Singapore), made with my $1 a litre fresh Australian milk, 2 slices of toasted Helga's pumpkin seeds bread, and dinner outside without having to add the GST and service charge components mentally.

The other night I went supermaket shopping at 11pm, capturing the deja vu of going to the only place open in Melbourne at night.

I wonder if I will be more at home lamenting with this aussie mom in Singapore, about the white sugared bread, the humidity which is killing me, the forms that intrusively ask you everything from race to marital status, the eternal summer, the dirty toilets... or will I feel at home now that I am amongst the friends whom I ate white bread during recess with, the ex colleagues I island hopped with, and the toilet paperless toilets that served me well once upon a long time ago.

I come one full circle to the point where the things that once was familiar to me seemed foreign, and I forget the familiar that were once foreign to me.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes" (Proust)

The thieves

Went with Aud for a bible study at her church on the book of Galatians.

The pastor asked 'Who would you be? The thief hung on the side that told Jesus to save himself, or the one whom Jesus says will join him in paradise?

In many ways, I have grown more and more to be like the thief who told Jesus to save himself. I mean, it is as logical as the airline safety advertisements that advise parents to wear their own masks before helping their children. If you can't save yourself, you really shouldn't be bothering with mine.

I think I am slowly treading water right now, getting the hang of it, and if I persist, I'll be friends with this new normal. We live in a time-starved society where you do not stretch out your hand when you feel like drowning. Independence is the new cool. Don't rely on others. Help is for the weak or for the momentary occasion when resources are in excess. If you sink to rock bottom, the only bottomline visible is 'save yourself!'.

I mean, what if you prayed, hoped and with the most earnest heart asked God for help? You turn around and there he is, still hung on the cross. The only sign visible is his shadow on the cross. You almost thought he had you duped into a Easter play, and if you counted it right, the good news is just 3 days short. When 3 days passed and hang on, he's still on the cross(!!!), do you withdraw your outstretched hand, return a polite smile, and tell this chap to go save himself first.

I think my faith stops short at this juncture.

What do I do with a Jesus who looked like he cannot save me at this moment?
What do I do when I cannot save him?
Should I call for help from someone else?
Should I tell him to go save himself first and not bother about me?
Do I tell him 'it's ok, let's hang (out) together first!'

There's no modern day crucifixion, but my faith is not one as simple as 'pray and believe and get'.. My faith lies in that awkward silence while I am hanging in pain, and I believe that Jesus is crucified next to me for my sins, but He hasn't personally climbed down the cross, lasso a rope around me and heroically hoisted me off my cross. In those times of silence and helplessness, my thoughts moved from curiosity to impatience, anger to despair. I almost want to jeer him to provoke him into action. Still nothing...

I wondered if that is the sort of Christianity I wished I knew more about before taking the step of faith. That sometimes faith is watching what you placed your hopes in, only to have them torn to shreds... still visible, but beyond comprehension of how there can possibly be some new hope, new perspective, new ways that God can tell you that He still worth putting your faith on without coming down the cross to release you.

I wonder if it takes less of me to just find my own way down.

Prayers for the night.

Dear God,

Please look after the big and small one. For the big to be safe and adapt well and may the small one not get lonely.

Amen.