Sobering Up

I thought I was turning into some kind of religious fanatic. I seeked, prayed, read, and spent so much time just away from all the noise. I hardly watched tv, I cut down on web surfing, and I enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I felt sobered. You know how you are so used to operating in a certain way, reacting when someone provokes you, and you thought the world operates on the sort of beliefs you used to hold so tightly?

(Not so suddenly), you woke up and the world no longer spins the way you thought it to be. You lost control, but you are not spinning out of control. You relegated the control to someone else. After all, what you once thought and believed does not hold true anymore. The truth becomes honestly glaring; there is no running away.

The state of inebriation has the nicest feel, but it is not the truth. I was at a restaurant and I saw a family, and although I am not privy to their struggles and joy, I thought it must be assumed that many moons ago, two people had love, dreams and the courage to take the plunge. Many moons later, these two people may have moved from where they once stood, but they must have been so much braver, selfless and yielding than they once were. They must have learnt how to sacrifice, to give, to receive and to find courage in longstanding struggles.

Sobering up, I know that I must be with a partner who would want to weather the storms with me together with God's help. I am not overtly pessimistic, but in fair weather, everyone wants to join the bandwagon. I am truly amazed by Jesus' choice of his disciples - the average Joe who were neither rich, intelligent or even impressive. In the end, nearly all died for Jesus' cause and furthered His ministry. That is truly impressive.

Looking through my box of snail mails today, I saw that I got the most mails from 3 good friends who have weathered laughter and tears with me for almost 20 years. They are my choice of friends, and definitely people I would want to travel alongside for the rest of my life.

Faith

Faith is like a key that unlocks our potential. It knows no doubt; hears no discouragement, and sees no insurmountable barriers. It is resolute. 

Waiting...

I do not have a plan.

Think about it, how many times in a day do you live for the future? You wonder how your next job will be like, if you should slot a holiday in between, what happens if the economy heads south, should you invest in this now, what if you met someone else next time, what time should you sleep today to prepare for the crazy day tomorrow?

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I am sitting here doing nothing. I am not advocating that you shouldn't make hay while the sun shines.

I just need to relinquish my control, worries and fears to God for the moment. The only time I think about tomorrow is when I ask Him what does he want me to do next.

I am waiting on Him for a conviction. I usually dislike waiting, but I have peace this time. I am deeply confident that it will come.

I am walking in the midst of faith.. in real time!

Your love keeps me going...

What is the greatest comfort you can give to someone in adversity? What if you are not in control of the situation? What if the person does not seem to crawl out of the pits?

Love them, and let them know that they are loved no matter what.

It will give them strength they know not of. It will draw them out of the pits when they are ready. It will be their safety net when it is time to walk the line. That will be their personal strength when the dust settles and the days look brighter.

The days when I was sad, God sent friends to help me along. There was an email that went 'The only thing worse than your tears is your silence'... There were those who called and even if they could not help, they occupied my time by talking about the daily things with me till it was the end of another day. There were also those who listened so much that I was touched by their patience.

I have learnt so much about giving comfort in my own down times. It is not helping the person to find a solution (unless her car is stuck in the middle of the highway and she calls you), but in matters of grief and sadness, to strengthen the heart with 'If you feel that you are so loved, so cherished and you are so precious to God and those around you, would that help you take a step out of the pits? Would that help you conquer your despair?'

It doesn't even require an ice axe or behemoth strength. Just a gentle spirit, and a contrite heart.

Thank God for the yet to come

So many people give testimonies about God's goodness in retrospection.

Today I thank God for the things that are yet to come.

I can already imagine!

Happiness over Holiness

If I were to line up a bunch of biblical characters for an interview about life, what would they reply?

What made you feel most fulfilled about your life?

Jesus: I cried out in Gethsemane, because I didn't want to die like this. I was young and I possess great wisdom and healing powers. In the end, I did what I had to do- die to save the unworthy sinners.

Paul: I was a massive murderer unseen in modern times. When I became Paul, all I wanted was to preach Christ and give him imminence. I will rejoice when that is done, despite the fact that I often find myself being locked up in prisons. I also made popular the verse "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength".

Apostles: We have no idea why Jesus chose us, but still we accompanied Him in his journeys. We witnessed his teachings, healings and we continued the works after Jesus is gone. We set up the first churches and eventually, some of us died as martyrs for the faith.

Me: I was a well behaved child, studied, worked hard and earn my keeps. I attend church, pray and read the bible. I cross the road when there's a green man, never run afoul with the law. In fact, I am such a well-managed package that you might as well throw in marrying a Christian husband who is also my best friend, raising up successful children who have great character and academic ability and whoo hoo, I'll retire with a lovely house, chirping birds and a life of peace.

When did happiness ever evolved into this manner?

Christian and non-christian friends seem to have the same life purpose now- to be happy. Fair enough, who doesn't want to happy? Happiness is now a package tour of predictability, hassle-free, comfort and value for money. Dare I say I do not desire those things in life?

Back to all these 'troublesome' biblical characters. Perhaps it is no longer fashionable to define happiness as obedience, faith, courage and fellowship. Why obey when it makes us looks so cowed down? Why have faith when we are in control? Why do we need courage when it's really someone else's business? What's the big deal about fellowship when we really need not be accountable to anyone these days?

I feel rather ashamed as I thought about all these. I do not intend that everyone should be the next martyr or missionary, but what about my next decision? Would I veer towards the safe and predictable 'what's in it for me', or will I run to God and trust that He is in control and obey what He would like me to do? Can I be happy simply because I obeyed?

Tozer in "The Dwelling Place of God", mentions:
Now, my brethren, I don't know whether I can make it clear or not. I know that things like this have to be felt rather than understood, but the wounded man is never a seeker after happiness. There is an ignoble pursuit of irresponsible happiness among us. Over the last years, as I have observed the human scene and have watched God's professed people live and die, I have seen that most of us would rather be happy than to feel the wounds of other people's sorrows. I do not believe that it is the will of God that we should seek to be happy, but rather that we should seek to be holy and useful. The holy man will be the useful man and he's likely to be a happy man too; but if he seeks happiness and forgets holiness and usefulness, he's a carnal man. I, for one, want no part in carnal religious joy. There are times when it's sinful to be happy. When Jesus our Lord was sweating it out there in the garden or hanging on the tree, He could not be happy. He was the "man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief."

Wrongs and Rights?

Is there really such a thing as a right or wrong decision?

Whose reference point is it anyway?

Your friends? The world? The imaginary people who might chance upon it? God?

Have you ever confided in someone in a dilemma such as a colleague taking your credit, a friend who is too busy when you need them, a partner who deceives, and even before you ask, you feel like there's a 'right' answer to it. Heaven forbid that you still stay sweet and watch the rolling credits. Immediately, you feel really stupid for even thinking that there are alternative options. Then paralysis sets in.

The ways of the world can be quite brutal and unkind. Often the right thing to do is whatever that benefits/prevents a loss at the end of the day. Life have its own spectators yelling out to do what is right for you - do not make a decision that puts you on the losing side. You are the master of your (happy) destiny, right?

Wrong.

I was not happy with balancing on the tightrope of rights and wrongs. It felt strange. It made me question God if He was a good God and if He was all powerful and in control. It made me wonder if His ways are still relevant - the pillar of fire, the tabernacle, casting lots, or trying to hear that still small voice.

I must admit these thoughts stemmed from the fact that I never really thought much about a individual will of God for me. I have been brought up with good understanding of the generic wills of God - In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God; be filled with the spirit. No worries! I got those verses etched in my head I can run them on autopilot.

I have been praying for God to reveal one aspect of his will recently. It started when I asked a close friend about a scenario and she challenged me to seek if that is God's will. Coincidentally, I was also doing a bible study about Joshua. It all made sense, when God commanded, he also gave Joshua victory. It was very straightforward, too simple to be true.

I used to get really angry with someone because I expected a certain 'right' or 'wrong'. I was afraid that my imaginary crowd will boo at me if I didn't get angry and do what was right. That imaginary crowd sometimes includes my own human nature disguised in the name of 'being true to my needs'. What did that profit me over time? Pride in exchange for peace. I was momentarily proud that 'I've finally done the right thing for myself!'. No prizes for guessing why that happiness did not last.

You see, I didn't want to just be on that profitable side of the books. I have this great imagination of the pearly gates where God asks me about my life on earth, and I reply "Hey God, I made sure I didn't lose out, I got all my needs met, I made sure I chose a high flying job, a husband who loved me to bits, people marveled at my happy life and here I am!"

Don't get me wrong. I know what my hearts desires are. I do like to have a good job, spouse, kids, house, and all you can name. But in this quiet times, I found myself not fearing that I lose all the above, but fearing that I am not abiding in God's will, for I see what a victorious life is it to have Him walk with you, and a confusing one when you walk by yourself (or with your imaginary buddies).

The sheer fear of the Lord over following own ways is the beginning of wisdom.

Oh, I even recruited for myself a set of new and non-imaginary audience.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Moses, Rahab) let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Things that make me go oooo...

I know one day, I'll retire as that strange cat woman.

Just like a final episode...

I started the journey 2 months ago sitting at the courtyard in a series of beautiful warm autumn days. I brought along coffee and breakfast under the blue sunny skies.

I ended it yesterday. It was a cool night, and there were only stars in the sky.

The curtains fell on an amazing book. For years, I always got stuck with Joshua and Caleb spying on the land and bringing back a positive reply. I felt that God told me there's a promise that I needed to see, beyond the giants. I faintly thought that if I could see things positively like Joshua and Caleb, the promise land is mine.

For the last 2 months, I finally joined Joshua and my bible study guide to journey into the promise land. This lesson of faith was strongly felt, as I stood alongside him to fight and defeat 6 nations and 31 kings. I felt that I shared his fears, doubts, amazement, and he ended up being my inspiration to go forth and be courageous at the time I needed it most. Except that we were living across thousands of years apart.

Last night, I bade farewell to Joshua as he was buried in his grave. It seemed like I have go through enough battles with him to see how faithful God has been, and now I have to continue to walk my own path of faithfulness alone.

I felt bittersweet. I didn't want Joshua to go.

All the wrong feelings...

Today I had all the wrong feelings. I felt happy when I was supposed to feel sad, and calm when I was supposed to get angry.

Was talking to a good friend tonight, and she shared a story about a horrendous period that logically follows a heartbreaking end. But in a strange twist, the story ended in joy like the fall of the Jericho wall. The amazing thing is how she spoke to my heart and mind, giving me so many thoughts. It was as if she carved a lesson of calmness in adversity into my spirit.

I was trying to make a decision tonight. For the last few days, I had earlier wanted to do a certain thing my way, focusing too much on my emotions rather than accepting the decision of someone else. Then the calmness melted away the emotions, and I started typing an email to retract my decision.

Just as I was typing my email, I received a phone call. Some unpleasant words were spoken to me, and there were possibly good reasons to get angry. Instead I found some better words to speak, and I hope I calmed the person down.

My last phone call of the day. I abandoned the email I was writing earlier and called the person to retract my decision. My feelings for the decision were strong in the last few days, but after what happened today, I gave in (or gave up?) to make someone's life happier.

I think I was supposed to feel very upset tonight. I think God found my good friend and He gave me strength by being teachable through her story. That I can sometimes forget myself, my agenda, my anger, my strong feelings and even my selfish love for a better outcome. That outcome to smile when it hurts, laugh when you lost something, and be at peace in adversity.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.