When God Sent the Angels...

I felt like I have taken the wrong flight, landed on a strange country, and now I am safely back.

The feeling to describe the first moment was 'stunned'. Then followed by a kind of whirlwind and you find yourself swirled uncontrollably. No matter how hard you try to stop it, your emotions get pulled in and in just that split moment, you were no longer just sipping a cup of tea and going with the flow.

I was prematurely put in a situation that spoiled my grand entrance.

Then it was just assessing how big the situation is. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts!

When I was getting over being 'stunned', it was down facing what is real. I have to say that I controlled my anxious thoughts fairly well.

I had an encounter with an angel. I see him at some occasions for the last 10 years, but never really said much. Turns out that he was an angel sent by God after I prayed so hard and declared His goodness. Frankly that was the last I would have expected. I was still amazed at what an iphone can do these days. In what was supposed to be an protracted anxious wait, it was over in a few hours.

The angel called and I broke into a smile. It is a crazy moment where I can clearly link this ending with the orchestration of God. It was a miracle! I know if I told the story, not many will believe, preferring to state other coincidences or reasons, but I truly believe that God's hand was in this. He not only set the outcome, He fixed the delivery in such a way that things went on so smoothly on what was supposed to be a stressed moment.

Why does he have to do that? Why did I do right to deserve this sort of out-of-the-way treatment? I feel very small, yet very loved. I saw the love of God through my angel.

Thanks also for arranging my dear friend as a middleman, and for believing with me. I slept like a baby last night, and I am quite happy that I passed this test with flying colours. I chose to believe!

Thanks Angel. You reminded me of what Jesus did when He was in this world - helping others, displaying such humility, doing big things for small people, and showing such earnestness.

Thank you God for this. Although I was so fearful at times, I seen so much of your goodness out of it.

Those losses in life...

Let's just say one day you were walking along the sidewalk, and you realised your car is gone.

While you were looking in disbelief, you reach for your pocket and your wallet is stolen.

The dog you were walking suddenly took off, and you soon lose sight of it.

You walked a long way home, only to realise that the bank has repossessed your house.Your spouse has left you for another person and has left the divorce papers on the table.

The next day, you got into work and found out that you were made redundant.

How much loss can a human take?

How much loss can a Christian take?

I used to think that people will just fall sad, depressed, hopeless and perhaps they might turn to suicide. After all, do we even believe that such misfortunes can fall unto one person unless you are Job in the bible?

Then I realised a very strange thing.

When you lose everything, or at least perhaps the top 5 things that are important to you, life doesn't stop. Cruel as it is, the world will still spins, people around you still smile, when you lose the top 6 things of your life.

Strangely enough, after you have lost enough, cried the tears, tore the bible in anger, cursed life and hopefully not God, losing the 8th, 9th, and 10th no longer really mattered. Losing the 11th starts to feel like a normal routine. Somewhere between the 13th and seeing your ex-spouse posting a photo of someone else on facebook, you wonder why you haven't died from all the loss yet.

One day when you wake up and find there is nothing precious left to lose, that is when you laugh back at the wind. You will bring out your 14th, 15th and 16th of my ole-so-preeecious, and offer them up if this losing business is going to stay. Why not lose everything at one go and have nothing more to lose?

That is when losing starts losing its effect on you.

That is when you triumph the loss.

To be more specific, you triumph over the fear of loss.

It is not being fatalistic. When you laugh at having nothing left to lose, you gain a new sense of freedom over fear. Have you not tossed and turned over a time when you might lose your job, lose a love one, lose a house, lose your health and lose your money?

I hate to say this, you are not likely to die as a direct consequence of it. Maybe other than health.

In fact, the knowledge that you can technically lose no more is very liberating. That is when life unfolds a new chapter, and you now know how to survive a life in a very dry and lifeless desert. You know what you are made of, and more importantly, what your faith is made off. You get a revelation of the things you once relied upon, and how your life did not have to depend on having those to live. You become less panicky about future loss, knowing full well that you are made to weather storms of loss, and to enjoy when there are plentiful.

Finally you understand that when someone says "God loves you", you know it does not only come in the form of jobs, money, house, marriage, and kids. It comes when you still believe that He loves you when you have nothing.

Then you gain for yourself an immeasurable fistful of faith - the kind that fills you up despite of what little left you have.

Although I have to warn, losing and not possessing are never great feelings. It would not be. Given a right frame of mind, I would never choose to be inadequate. However if I was dealt with a full suite of losses, then I only pray that I have enough mettle to see it through till the sun rises for another day.

I thank God for what I once possessed, and I thank God for showing me His faith and love through my losses.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday to my favourite girl!

I love you so much!

Surrender...

Great faith results in great surrender.

I am a planner. I look far, plan wide, worry about tomorrow, the next week, think about the next job at the start of a current one, aim strategically, have visions, and cross my fingers.

At 21, a friend of mine shared with me about what his Professor talked about in Stanford, about writing out a 10 year plan for his life, I was inspired and wrote my own. It was difficult to write at that juncture, not even knowing what my career path will be, in an era of post Asian financial crisis. I knew I still wrote long and hard.

I find it hard to sit back and relax. My parents relied on me to be independent. Whatever choices I made, I was expected to bear the consequences.

Personally, I found it hard to 'let God' or follow His will. In my earlier world, if I do not step in to personally do, who else will do it for me?

Like the Israelites, it took me a long time and walking in circles before I know that my life was better surrendering to Him. By surrendering, I do not mean not doing anything, but moving through life pausing to consider if there was a direction I could yield myself to.

For now I come to His altar without much to offer. In the last few years, I have chosen to make independent decisions of relationships, jobs and finances without considering Him. I was in my planning mood, and eager to check the box without wanting to be sidetracked. In retrospect, it was a risky gamble, with consequences that made me feel like the prodigal daughter.

I did not 'come home' willingly though. I wrestled, bargained, pleaded, fought and mentally dug out my blueprints and angrily shook it at God's face. I had a good and fruitful plan, had the best intentions, put in my 120%, played it honest and fair, did it in great love, and I was then put into a spot where I have to dump that blueprint into the trash.

I came home eventually, tired and spent. Time passed, and I finally knew what it felt to let go and let God. I also came to learn that His plans are better than my plans, since what was I to know at 21 about the things that would have happened down the road. There are just so many unpredictable and uncontrollable things in life that is better put in the hands of the one who knows.

Last weekend, we took some old folks from the nursing home to the new Sentosa Sea Aquarium. I had an 88 year old in my charge. She was a quiet and pensive lady and very lucid at her age. On our bus ride there, she told me 'I am just waiting for my time to come'. Her husband had passed on earlier, and they have no children. She still wears her wedding ring, and in a culture like Singapore, you only go to the nursing home if there is no one who can care for you. Sitting with her, I wondered if her life had panned out the way she planned, if there were things she wished she had done differently, what is she planning after 88, and is it silly planning one's life so that we can diligently congratulate ourselves that we have checked those boxes we drew for ourselves, so we can now die with 'sensibility' and 'success' carved on our tombstones.

I am still diligent in the things that I am supposed to be doing now, except that I operate with a lot more space for God. I feel more peace about my relationships and job decisions, and lesser things threaten me when I know I am willing to let go of it when it is appropriate to do so. I have a renewed appreciation of not worrying about life and ticking time, not because I have decided to dumb-down, but to have faith through surrendering- something that looks deceptively simple on the surface, but requires such profound trust in God for it to happen.

What does a Christian wear?

"All religions gravitate toward rule keeping instead of relationship building." (Andy Stanley)

I'm following Andy's 'follow' series of sermon at the moment. It's been really a breath of fresh air, after feeling really disillusioned with the religion of Christianity and how it could breed people who appears Christian-ly shiny on the outside, but nothing short of self-righteousness in the inside. Christians who are more concerned about putting up a show for others to see, or justify themselves as good and moral beings, all because they have became too hung up with 'rule-keeping'. The modern Pharisees meet tax collectors- both Christians, but miles apart.

What impressions do Christians get of Christians when they go into a Christian context?

I go to church
I don't lie
I work very hard at my job (and hopefully earn well)
I spend time with my family
I do not chase after money overtly
I do not boast (at least not overtly either)
I do not cohabit
I keep a good marriage (and it's evident in facebook too)
I serve in church
I volunteer
I do missions
My kids do not fight, act violent or smack another kid
I look disapprovingly at parents who let their kids watch Gangnam style
I take notes during a sermon
I read the bible everyday
I tell people I will pray for them
I am not seen flirting with another girl
I don't change too many boyfriends
I don't wear very short skirts, slap on thick makeup and have drip dye hair of green and blue
I try not to look gossipy at work
I do not go to nightclubs nor enrol in pole dancing courses

In episode 4 of his 'follow' series, Andy Stanley spoke about what Christians wear. He pointed out that the followers of some religions dress in a certain way, and even football club supporters don their club colours to matches.

How do people identify us as Christians?

His answer is simple, yet he reminds that it sounds very ideal:

Following Jesus means clothing yourself in patience, gentleness, kindness, compassion, humility, forgiveness, and love. That kind of faith is powerful. It's the kind of faith that makes a difference instead of just making a point. Imagine how that kind of faith would change people's perceptions of the church. Imagine how it would change communities . . . nations . . . the world.

Why don rule-keeping impressions of what you read, who you mix with, and where you go? Why not cultivate relationship building character like patience, gentleness, kindness, compassion, humility, forgiveness and love? 

Indeed sometimes I ask myself whether I felt more bothered that I was missing church than if I have showed much compassion these days. Do you sometimes feel like the Christians around you are striving to portray this enviable image of everyone has their life held nicely in place by a silver bow, and the loud mouth, tattoo-wearing, neon legging single mother cannot be a kind, loving and patient Christian?

Watching this series made me think a lot of what it really means to be a Christian. Or like what Andy mentioned in Jesus' time, what it really mean to be a Jesus-follower. 

Quite possibly it also helped me bridge my rather tainted impressions about why sometimes Christians act the way they do.

It must be the wine...

There are people who walk around with a scale on their hand, ready to exact a pound of flesh. There are also those who walk around with a scale on their hand, ready to exchange for a measure of your smile.

Pick a person who values your smile more than he who values his own fair share.

His unconditional love

Just concluded the 3rd bible study at church on Galatians. It was about living life by grace or by law. Dug the Pharisee out of me, and of course got me thinking about God's unconditional love through grace.

If one sticks with a businessman of love long enough, one gets influenced to think of love like a business. What is in it for me? Is it fair? Do I get back something? How much do I get back? What are the returns of we merge and synergise? What do I want to see in you? Do you fulfil my ideal?

So it is quite a reminder when I reflect if I saw our relationship like a business deal. It was fairly unthinkable to not have to behave a certain way, follow a prescribed manner, get an endorsement from an upright peer, in order to qualify for God's love and blessings. Too easy.

God's love almost look too cheap. In today's world, cheap things don't last. We heard of easy come, easy go. I sometimes find its ubiquitous nature almost unattractive.

Now when I reflect, I have newfound respect on this ubiquitous unconditional love. It is not easy for someone to love all the time without having an expectation or wanting appreciation. Just the other day, I scoffed at the lyrics of some of these teenage songs my friend's daughter was showing me. The 'I-love-you-no-matter-what', the 'we are in this together', 'I want to do everything for you' lyrics were resoundingly ridiculous! I attributed it to the shallow aspect of young love.

If God penned such lyrics in a love song for me, would I roll my eyes? Would I rather return his love with some good works and pious behaviour so I can at least say I deserve it?

Since I belong to the school of thought that God is not Santa Claus here to serve my purpose, I may be equally guilty in thinking that I can ask for things in pious pretext that I am seeking his will, doing his works and behaving like a good Christian.

So rightly Paul chided the Galatians "Are you so foolish? After beginning by the means of the Spirit, are you trying to finish by means of the flesh'.

I must say I still need to get my head around with His unconditional love.

I laughed and cried...

I was reading this blog about an Australia expatriate mom in Singapore, it really brought tears of laughter and sadness in me.

She wrote a couple of entries in the first year of her stay here. The things she find 'unusual' in Singapore, and the things that she misses about Australia. I nodded my head with laughter at her innocent observations on 'car indicators/signals are optional' and stuffed with 'bread full of added sugar'. There was also the 'internet with unlimited download data' and being able to take a cab without breaking the bank.

I laughed because I did not know who to identify with- the Singaporean in me or that Aussie way of living that I have already gotten so used to. Once upon a time, I whinged at the supermakets in Australia for not having asian produce. It took a few years and I hardly make separate trips to chinese groceries except for a joyride. Now I wander along the aisles of NTUC wondering why cured meats are only limited to cocktail sausages and streaky bacon.

It feels like just when you have got into the groove of things into your blood and suddenly you find yourself waking up and all the things of the past was just a dream. I have got into routines which can last forever. Waking up to the smell of lattes, or even my Nescafe short black (not sold in Singapore), made with my $1 a litre fresh Australian milk, 2 slices of toasted Helga's pumpkin seeds bread, and dinner outside without having to add the GST and service charge components mentally.

The other night I went supermaket shopping at 11pm, capturing the deja vu of going to the only place open in Melbourne at night.

I wonder if I will be more at home lamenting with this aussie mom in Singapore, about the white sugared bread, the humidity which is killing me, the forms that intrusively ask you everything from race to marital status, the eternal summer, the dirty toilets... or will I feel at home now that I am amongst the friends whom I ate white bread during recess with, the ex colleagues I island hopped with, and the toilet paperless toilets that served me well once upon a long time ago.

I come one full circle to the point where the things that once was familiar to me seemed foreign, and I forget the familiar that were once foreign to me.

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes" (Proust)

The thieves

Went with Aud for a bible study at her church on the book of Galatians.

The pastor asked 'Who would you be? The thief hung on the side that told Jesus to save himself, or the one whom Jesus says will join him in paradise?

In many ways, I have grown more and more to be like the thief who told Jesus to save himself. I mean, it is as logical as the airline safety advertisements that advise parents to wear their own masks before helping their children. If you can't save yourself, you really shouldn't be bothering with mine.

I think I am slowly treading water right now, getting the hang of it, and if I persist, I'll be friends with this new normal. We live in a time-starved society where you do not stretch out your hand when you feel like drowning. Independence is the new cool. Don't rely on others. Help is for the weak or for the momentary occasion when resources are in excess. If you sink to rock bottom, the only bottomline visible is 'save yourself!'.

I mean, what if you prayed, hoped and with the most earnest heart asked God for help? You turn around and there he is, still hung on the cross. The only sign visible is his shadow on the cross. You almost thought he had you duped into a Easter play, and if you counted it right, the good news is just 3 days short. When 3 days passed and hang on, he's still on the cross(!!!), do you withdraw your outstretched hand, return a polite smile, and tell this chap to go save himself first.

I think my faith stops short at this juncture.

What do I do with a Jesus who looked like he cannot save me at this moment?
What do I do when I cannot save him?
Should I call for help from someone else?
Should I tell him to go save himself first and not bother about me?
Do I tell him 'it's ok, let's hang (out) together first!'

There's no modern day crucifixion, but my faith is not one as simple as 'pray and believe and get'.. My faith lies in that awkward silence while I am hanging in pain, and I believe that Jesus is crucified next to me for my sins, but He hasn't personally climbed down the cross, lasso a rope around me and heroically hoisted me off my cross. In those times of silence and helplessness, my thoughts moved from curiosity to impatience, anger to despair. I almost want to jeer him to provoke him into action. Still nothing...

I wondered if that is the sort of Christianity I wished I knew more about before taking the step of faith. That sometimes faith is watching what you placed your hopes in, only to have them torn to shreds... still visible, but beyond comprehension of how there can possibly be some new hope, new perspective, new ways that God can tell you that He still worth putting your faith on without coming down the cross to release you.

I wonder if it takes less of me to just find my own way down.

Prayers for the night.

Dear God,

Please look after the big and small one. For the big to be safe and adapt well and may the small one not get lonely.

Amen.

Parents

I wonder if parents have to relearn to behave themselves when they are old so as not to incur the wrath of their children.

I wonder if parents make unforgivable mistakes.

I wonder if between a parent and their child, the happiest moment is always when they were born because it doesn't get any better after that.

I wonder if between two or more children, there is no possibility of favouritism or preferences. Surely we know if we liked chocolate or strawberry ice cream better!

I wonder why they never made a big deal out of a parent-child relationship when it is harder to severe than a marriage.

I wonder what happens to a child who has to be the parent's parent?

I wonder if there is an age when parents start getting useless and children start getting useful?

I wonder what my parents are thinking today.

I wonder if they know what I am thinking too.

Gethsemane moments

What good is God during those Gethsemane moments?

Especially when the one in the garden is not Jesus.

Bad dreams are made of these...

Do we lie in dreams? Is a dream the best predictor of our responses in 'what if' situations?

I had a vivid dream last night, so much so that I drifted in and out of consciousness and it was a long long dream.

It must be how I have read about the 2 boys who died in the road accident here. I dreamt that someone close to me died in a road accident. It was a dream that spanned many days. I received news of it and I did not break down. I was more in disbelief. I walked around in my dream wondering how could that be, that it has to be a joke. Then I got angry... I was mad that he just left this world like that, no goodbyes, no see you later, no reasons why he had to leave. No, in deeper thoughts, I was livid in the dream! I kept asking if there was someone who saw him last, and if he left a last message for me before he breathe his last.

"Tell Laura I love her..."

I went around crying next. I must be tired from the many thoughts that ran in my mind. The grief finally hit and I cried in deep agony. I have never had a loved one died before, so the saddest I ever felt was when my cat of 20 years passed on. I never knew sudden grief in such a manner. It was heart wrenching.

In my dreams, my friends came to cheer me up, and offered practical 'next steps' advice. Like Job, I remembered nothing comforting went into my brains.

I lamented for his short lived life like it was my own. "He's always wanted to do things fast and do lots! How ridiculous it is to have life cut short like this".

After what felt like 20 days of grieving, I woke up finally, glad that nothing bad has happened. It did made me think about how ridiculous the curveballs in life can be. Would I just curse God and die?

I don't really know. Maybe that is why we avoid the happiness of today for fear of the pain it can potentially bring tomorrow. Or we selectively forget the pain when it happens, hoping that amnesia is the best antidote to pretend the good, the mistakes we make, the joys never existed because we were afraid that on such a moment, we don't know what to do when the music dies.

I have a 17 year old "Made in France" oven which a best friend bought for my birthday. It still bakes beautifully, except that it will get hotter and hotter, and the sensor or themostat is broken and it cannot stop the heating till it becomes too dangerously hot and it trips the safety circuit. I wonder if grief takes a beating that way when we do not have a working thermostat or our emotional sensors are faulty.

I wonder if my response would have been the same had it happened in real life. Dreams don't lie, do they?

Lord, thank you just because he is alive.

The thing on sparrows and trust...

I wonder if cats go to heaven...

Looking at my own cat, I often wonder what will happen to it if it was not adopted. Does it wonder the same thing? I am sure it is a no. Can it even remotely imagine the scenario where it is left out in the streets, with no food or shelter? Is there family or friends who will never turn a blind eye on it? Maybe brother cat will take pity of it and invite her home.

I know none of it is true, you know it and the man on the street knows it. Yet there it is, sleeping soundly, well fed, cuddled, loved, worried upon, while it does its catty things like chase butterflies and pounce on lizards.

Of recent times I do get somewhat upset when I see dead birds on the streets. It always made me wonder that God did not take care of this sparrow that He promised in the bible. Rather than the bird, it reflected my own inability to fully trust him..

Just in case.......

In case the bird did trust him..

In case I ...

I wonder if even a person like me will make sure my cat wouldn't starve to death or die of a hot summer heatstroke. If I am willing to part with my last dollar for her cat food... If I get worried if she did not come home from her evening walks... If she is bored and needs someone to play with her...

What about God? What will He do?

Why is it that a Christian relationship is foremost about selling sinners the Willy Wonka ticket to heaven, or promises that life will be smoother, or attending church and bible studies than it is about taking that time to build trust in Him and who He is?

I find it amazing that my cat doesn't go knocking on another stranger's door when I do not grant her her favourite pork floss treat. She does not pack her bag and decide that kitty is better off changing owners who will give her a three tiered cat condo instead of a silly box with cut out windows.

Maybe she does understand trust better than I do. For me, I have to go back to the drawing board and trust that I can go about doing my 'human' things trusting God who is taking care of me.

Unbeknownst to her, Gracie looked up and found herself staring at a stranger's face.

"Dear God, please give me nice people who will love me and treat me well"

The Muddle

I was quite touched at how the conversation went today. Really warmed my heart when he tried to comfort me. Nothing harsh, just trying to encourage, showing kindness, no 'shoulds' or critical sounding things.

Maybe that is what grace is all about. It also made me thankful, the bottom of your heart sort of gratitude. The 'I know I don't deserve this but I am getting this' sort of grace.

Goodnight.

I had enough...

It's so easy to tell God 'I had enough" when we decided that something is proving to bring us more unhappiness than good.

A bad colleague, an girlfriend you no longer love, a child of a previous relationship, a boss who is hard to work with, or even a mother who has grown too old and obnoxious.

No longer are they the people you knew on Day 1, now you see them as barriers obstructing you and future happiness.

Are they there for a reason? Can I wish them away? How thrilling would it be that one day we wake up, and they are no longer there.

Is that true? Or am I simply just a coward? Why do I not wish myself to the moon instead, where I can be with my own company and no one to stand between me and the great path to happiness.

Maybe because we still want people in our lives, but unlike the moon, we want to sieve out the people who become the awkward pieces of our lives.

Because life was meant to be happy? We are suppose to make those wonderful choices that at the end of the, bring looks of admiration and contentment because we have so carefully, deliberately and sensibly carve the path that flashes 'Congrats on choosing all the right paths, you have reached your destination where few tread'.

One of my favourite authors, John Ortberg wrote a book titled ' When the game is over, it all goes back in the box'. Whether you spent the days lazing, doing 1000 things, achieving, earned lots of money, have none, laughed a lot, cried plenty, killed someone, is one of the world's most admired, you join the ranks of others to go back to the box when your life on earth is over.

I remembered I had an eccentric boss once. He initially got on my nerves, and eventually got to others nerves. He drove me 'nuts' on an everyday basis, to the extent that I woke up every morning praying that God will do something about it, that I have to strength to press on. Of course I did expressed my displeasure during a feedback session, and I unkindly wondered 'Why is he here?'. My empathy waned and I grit my teeth with anger sometimes. He was eventually asked to leave. On his last day, he was sad but said to me 'Hey, thanks for helping me all this time'.. and I could tell he was very sad. At that moment, my heart regretted being of such bad spirit, overly anxious and not let God handle the rest. I couldn't look him in the eye because I knew my past actions did not convey that I was sad to see him go. I really wished I did not have those bad thoughts about him.

I wish I was more courageous in the face of adversity or inconvenience. So that when it goes back into the box, I could say 'that was hard, but I am glad for the person that it made me into'. We grow little when life is travelling fine and everyone is singing the same tune as us in the same timing. We go back into the box no different from the way we started out playing the game. What kind of game will it be if we only pass Go, collect $200, get out of jail free and collect rent on Mayfair? More importantly, why is there an impatience to roll double 6s, finish building all the hotels when we know it all goes back into the box when the game ends?

Don't lose sight of the present and what life gives you at this moment in time. It may not be your flavour, but it is there for a purpose... so don't be in a hurry to say "I had enough", for God knows when you truly had enough.

There is a season for everything.

Wonder

I have recently finished the book 'Wonder' by R.J Palacio. It was an easy read about a boy growing up with possibly Treacher Collins syndrome which causes facial deformities. The book chronicles August's ('Auggie')  younger years of growing up to entering mainstream school and reveals the realities faced by him. There are also portions written from the perspective of those close to him- his sister and good friend amongst a few.

In my many conversations with friends now, I have to be thankful that I never felt like I was bullied. While I did not have facial deformities like Auggie, I had a big head of afro hair. A little scrawny chinese girl with a large afro hair during the pre-internet, conservative Singapore is not that much of a fashion statement. Like Auggie, I often get second, third or fourth takes in public, people covering their mouths whispering to each other, the pointing... the description brought back memories. In a particular episode I still remember, a little boy sitting across the seats in a train remarked to his mother 'Mom, she is so ugly. How is she going to get married?'. I actually felt embarrassed for the mother, whom I can see was nervously looking if there was an emergency window she can break to jump out of the moving train. The rest sitting there pretended they didn't hear a thing. Perhaps they too wanted to nod in unison. For it'll be a lame line to correct 'No son. You can't judge a book by its cover'. Any comments like that will incite mass suicide in the train. Now that I think about it, it was quite amusing.

I stared at girls with pigtails and ponytails and wondered how that can be a reality for me. Mom kept my hair short so that it would not look too poofy. I smoothed it down with gel and anything heavy I could get my hand off. When the wind blows, it's like chaffs of dried hay got blown all over, impossible to lay it down into a shape again. The curious fact about afro is, it is water resistant. So I never looked like I swam, nothing I slather on will stay, and yes, I do know how Michael Jackson feels.

It made me proud of the primary and secondary school I went to. I never received a nasty remark from a friend or classmate. There were definitely nicknames, but even my cousins will call me names like that. I know it was not done to taunt me. Or perhaps I have since grew that elephant hide skin that left me immune to the discourse of my hair. Reciting the Lord's prayer 100 times didn't work, but divine help came in the technology of hair straightening when I was in my mid teens. I never looked back since.

But this means I do not get a prize for being courageous, unlike Auggie. What I probably get is a glimpse of Auggie's world, although it is nothing that close to the anguish he would have suffered. I do like the easy read, and will recommend it to older children who sometimes need to know their convictions and not go along with the crowd to ostracise someone who looks different from them. I am one glad beneficiary of such courage, and that was why I wasn't the one wanting to cry inside the train when that boy made that remark.

Loneliness

Do people have children because they don't want to be lonely when they are old?

Lately I had visions of a dingy dark brick apartment, with an old couch and the only light seemed to come from an old flickering television. There is a shadow of an old person sitting inside. Maybe she had her dinner, maybe there is not much to be eaten.

How is it like to be old and lonely? Would it feel like the world has forgotten about you? What if there are no doorknocks, and neighbours mind their own business, and life appears the same day in day out? Perhaps I am being bleak, that there will be friends and loved ones who may be what'spping, asking how the day has gone.

I wonder how many people in this world are lonely tonight though. What do lonely people do?

Goodbyes

Note to self: Hellos are fantastic, but too many goodbyes can be bad for health.

Note to others: Hope our goodbyes are only temporary.

Bye to my dear friend who helped me tick the list of the things I wanted to do here. Bye to another who finally made it for me to share the places I loved but never had the chance to share with.

I miss you.

Merry Christmas

Was this how it felt like when I left?

Merry Christmas. Have a wine, some carols and light a candle for me.