Things that makes me go hmm...

Saw a few random things online today that made me stop to think a little bit more than what to eat for breakfast or if my robot vacuum cleaner is doing its run.

I was planning for the Easter holidays, and came across an advertisement for a 'travel buddy' on the classifieds. Ah, the pleasures of youth and the days of backpacking! I thought. Then as I read on, it was a middle age lawyer asking for a 18-25 years old slim and bright girl of any nationality to travel with him overseas. All expenses paid.

Then I skipped on to tag a cnet news on 'Draw Something'. I have earlier sent a picture of his drawings to the call for submissions. One of them was selected to be on the gallery. I must say I was pretty thrilled, as I thought it was a rather cute picture. It was not Turner prize quality, but we played it the good ole way, sans stylus, sans ipad, sans buying 'additional colours'. I came across 'Cowboy' who wrote a snide comment about how my particular picture was 'terrible', and wanted other readers to agree with him. I thought long and hard about giving him a verbal trashing, but decided I'll sleep over it, and if no one follows his thread, he'll be the one feeling 'terrible'. Silence is the biggest winner here.

I guess the internet has made all kinds of unseen relationships outside the traditional lines of friends, lovers and enemies. Maybe there will be a girl who will respond to the travelling ad, and she does not even need to know Mr Lawyer twice her age. Similarly, I might wake up tomorrow throwing my woman's wrath at Mr Cowboy who just has to let loose his sophisticated taste on art on something so small as 'Draw Something'.

Sometimes I wonder why...

I am very convinced I've ran out of public transport karma, even if I am not a fare evader.

The last citybound bus outside my house ends at 2.31pm every weekday (why??). The nearest train station is 3km away and according to the transport planner, will take a minimum of at least 3 transfers and 37mins to finally arrive to what is only just the start of the journey (see figure above).

So to get to a friend's house for my Chinese New Year this hot 34 degrees day, I have methodically researched and strategised that I will walk 10mins to the main road, catch this one and only bus of the day transporting workers to another railway station, hop on a train, take 1 stop, change to another train, enjoy the air con for 30mins, hop off, and walk 10mins to his house.

Welcome to one of the world's most (un-be)liveable city.

What is the solution?

That Friday Post

The solution to the future
No one knows
The solution to things you can't control
Someone else knows
The solution to your problem
Only you know
The solution to tonight
is not the solution of tomorrow, nor the future
It is to sigh together, hope together
dry the tear streaked face
feel understood
Because that is all that is needed for tonight.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Rom 12:15

Terra Nova

Was watching the premier of Terra Nova last night. I may be wrong, but it seemed like the story started due to environment degradation in some period in the future, and the only way to save it is to return to the age of the dinosaurs. I am not a fan of dinosaurs, and hence I switched channel soon after they crossed the frontier.

What if the worse thing about going back to the past is not the dinosaurs, but of the way we have socially moved farther than we thought we did?

I came across an old newspaper print of 1899, announcing the emerald and golden anniversaries of a few couples. In those days, I can imagine that it is a respectable milestone to announce, a dignified celebration at church worthy of the eyes of God.

Since the only cool thing about the past is antique furniture, the past social norms are boring, practiced by old-stick-in-the-mud people with no creativity for innovation. Let's invent no-fault divorces because love is a individual prerogative, come as you may, go as you want. Why not scrap the idea of marriage because it is just another dead weight that attempts to tie us down to uncomfortable obligations? If the buzzword of the start of this century is innovation, and the married ones are feeling like they have missed the boat by jumping too soon, fear not, for the government headache will no longer be same-sex unions and high rate of divorces, but of polyam0ry (not a typo but I do not want this blog to appear on a google search on this word). In a nutshell, this is the concept of many loves, and is distinct from polygamy. It implies what Mr Smith can tell his wife that he still loves her, but also have a solid romantic relationship with Miss Jenkins and Miss Jones as well. To ring in an air of respectability like the specks of real vanilla beans visible on a vanilla slice, Mrs Smith, Miss Jenkins and Miss Jones will be informed duly of each other's existence and the comings and goings. Heck, there's even self-help written on how to come out of the closet with your kids. Step aside Modern Family!

I'll like to return to 1899, and have my name up in the announcement on the papers. But first of all, anyone with some courage for marriage?

My ongoing projects

My ongoing projects in this season of life:

1) Complete identifying all the plants currently around the house and their needs
2) Meeting recruiters - learning to verbally sell myself, be proud of my achievements, know my gaps, gather feedback and learn to say no
3) Eat more healthy - look at what goes into boxes and can I do it better? First stop, DIY juices and cereals.
4) Decoration for houses - grouting tiles, french provincial designs, how to turn windows into doors, colour schemes, searching the shops in Carlton North to finally add some things to my apothecary jar in the bathroom
5) Reading the bible and actually having time to pray and reflect
6) Brushing up on business chinese and knowing all the working terms relevant to my work

I know one day I will look back and thank God for the opportunity to have such a period of time as this.

Two things that make me contented

Two things that makes me contented - a good cup of coffee and the beach.

He Makes All Things New

It was sunset. Another day is done, and it is time to rein back the dreams of the day and await for the coming of tomorrow.

These are a few of the many oak trees around where I live. Spring has arrived, and the deciduous oak trees are sprouting their tender shoots, looking like green furry worms. In winter, their bare branches made them look dead, and the only life on them are the birds that congregate each morning to sing their songs.

It is time to prune some of the plants in time for them to bud. Even the potted orchid which lost 2 of its flowers have 3 new buds growing on them. There is joy in seeing something so small and yet packed with so much beauty trying to break through from the inside. It is more amazing than the magician's hat, the invisible hand of the spring sunshine coaxing the life out of each and every awakened plant.

It feels like God telling me "I have made all things new". Be careful or your hearts will be weight down with the anxieties of life (Luke 21:34)

"Look at the fig tree and all the trees. When they sprout leaves, you can see for yourselves and know that summer is near. Even so, when you see these things happening, you know that the kingdom of God is near". (Luke 21: 29-31)

Surrendering and Giving Up

Surrendering: leaving it on the altar for God to handle.
Giving up: throwing it into the rubbish bin so no one can handle.
Resignation: thinking that you don't even have access to an altar or rubbish bin

Surrender brings hope, giving up brings sadness and resignation insists that the problem is greater than God.

Lemonade for Sale

Saw this sight when I was out on Saturday after doing brunch at Bread and Jam for Frances.

Two little boys had set up store selling lemonade on a sunny 20 degrees day. Should I be more specific to say that Mom had set it up and they were suppose to selling it to raise funds (maybe a sign will help). Instead of selling, they started playing a game of footy.

It is such a cute little sight though, selling lemonade on the main street. I love the innocence of such old-fashioned ways.

Sobering Up

I thought I was turning into some kind of religious fanatic. I seeked, prayed, read, and spent so much time just away from all the noise. I hardly watched tv, I cut down on web surfing, and I enjoyed the peace and quiet.

I felt sobered. You know how you are so used to operating in a certain way, reacting when someone provokes you, and you thought the world operates on the sort of beliefs you used to hold so tightly?

(Not so suddenly), you woke up and the world no longer spins the way you thought it to be. You lost control, but you are not spinning out of control. You relegated the control to someone else. After all, what you once thought and believed does not hold true anymore. The truth becomes honestly glaring; there is no running away.

The state of inebriation has the nicest feel, but it is not the truth. I was at a restaurant and I saw a family, and although I am not privy to their struggles and joy, I thought it must be assumed that many moons ago, two people had love, dreams and the courage to take the plunge. Many moons later, these two people may have moved from where they once stood, but they must have been so much braver, selfless and yielding than they once were. They must have learnt how to sacrifice, to give, to receive and to find courage in longstanding struggles.

Sobering up, I know that I must be with a partner who would want to weather the storms with me together with God's help. I am not overtly pessimistic, but in fair weather, everyone wants to join the bandwagon. I am truly amazed by Jesus' choice of his disciples - the average Joe who were neither rich, intelligent or even impressive. In the end, nearly all died for Jesus' cause and furthered His ministry. That is truly impressive.

Looking through my box of snail mails today, I saw that I got the most mails from 3 good friends who have weathered laughter and tears with me for almost 20 years. They are my choice of friends, and definitely people I would want to travel alongside for the rest of my life.

Faith

Faith is like a key that unlocks our potential. It knows no doubt; hears no discouragement, and sees no insurmountable barriers. It is resolute. 

Waiting...

I do not have a plan.

Think about it, how many times in a day do you live for the future? You wonder how your next job will be like, if you should slot a holiday in between, what happens if the economy heads south, should you invest in this now, what if you met someone else next time, what time should you sleep today to prepare for the crazy day tomorrow?

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I am sitting here doing nothing. I am not advocating that you shouldn't make hay while the sun shines.

I just need to relinquish my control, worries and fears to God for the moment. The only time I think about tomorrow is when I ask Him what does he want me to do next.

I am waiting on Him for a conviction. I usually dislike waiting, but I have peace this time. I am deeply confident that it will come.

I am walking in the midst of faith.. in real time!

Your love keeps me going...

What is the greatest comfort you can give to someone in adversity? What if you are not in control of the situation? What if the person does not seem to crawl out of the pits?

Love them, and let them know that they are loved no matter what.

It will give them strength they know not of. It will draw them out of the pits when they are ready. It will be their safety net when it is time to walk the line. That will be their personal strength when the dust settles and the days look brighter.

The days when I was sad, God sent friends to help me along. There was an email that went 'The only thing worse than your tears is your silence'... There were those who called and even if they could not help, they occupied my time by talking about the daily things with me till it was the end of another day. There were also those who listened so much that I was touched by their patience.

I have learnt so much about giving comfort in my own down times. It is not helping the person to find a solution (unless her car is stuck in the middle of the highway and she calls you), but in matters of grief and sadness, to strengthen the heart with 'If you feel that you are so loved, so cherished and you are so precious to God and those around you, would that help you take a step out of the pits? Would that help you conquer your despair?'

It doesn't even require an ice axe or behemoth strength. Just a gentle spirit, and a contrite heart.

Thank God for the yet to come

So many people give testimonies about God's goodness in retrospection.

Today I thank God for the things that are yet to come.

I can already imagine!

Happiness over Holiness

If I were to line up a bunch of biblical characters for an interview about life, what would they reply?

What made you feel most fulfilled about your life?

Jesus: I cried out in Gethsemane, because I didn't want to die like this. I was young and I possess great wisdom and healing powers. In the end, I did what I had to do- die to save the unworthy sinners.

Paul: I was a massive murderer unseen in modern times. When I became Paul, all I wanted was to preach Christ and give him imminence. I will rejoice when that is done, despite the fact that I often find myself being locked up in prisons. I also made popular the verse "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength".

Apostles: We have no idea why Jesus chose us, but still we accompanied Him in his journeys. We witnessed his teachings, healings and we continued the works after Jesus is gone. We set up the first churches and eventually, some of us died as martyrs for the faith.

Me: I was a well behaved child, studied, worked hard and earn my keeps. I attend church, pray and read the bible. I cross the road when there's a green man, never run afoul with the law. In fact, I am such a well-managed package that you might as well throw in marrying a Christian husband who is also my best friend, raising up successful children who have great character and academic ability and whoo hoo, I'll retire with a lovely house, chirping birds and a life of peace.

When did happiness ever evolved into this manner?

Christian and non-christian friends seem to have the same life purpose now- to be happy. Fair enough, who doesn't want to happy? Happiness is now a package tour of predictability, hassle-free, comfort and value for money. Dare I say I do not desire those things in life?

Back to all these 'troublesome' biblical characters. Perhaps it is no longer fashionable to define happiness as obedience, faith, courage and fellowship. Why obey when it makes us looks so cowed down? Why have faith when we are in control? Why do we need courage when it's really someone else's business? What's the big deal about fellowship when we really need not be accountable to anyone these days?

I feel rather ashamed as I thought about all these. I do not intend that everyone should be the next martyr or missionary, but what about my next decision? Would I veer towards the safe and predictable 'what's in it for me', or will I run to God and trust that He is in control and obey what He would like me to do? Can I be happy simply because I obeyed?

Tozer in "The Dwelling Place of God", mentions:
Now, my brethren, I don't know whether I can make it clear or not. I know that things like this have to be felt rather than understood, but the wounded man is never a seeker after happiness. There is an ignoble pursuit of irresponsible happiness among us. Over the last years, as I have observed the human scene and have watched God's professed people live and die, I have seen that most of us would rather be happy than to feel the wounds of other people's sorrows. I do not believe that it is the will of God that we should seek to be happy, but rather that we should seek to be holy and useful. The holy man will be the useful man and he's likely to be a happy man too; but if he seeks happiness and forgets holiness and usefulness, he's a carnal man. I, for one, want no part in carnal religious joy. There are times when it's sinful to be happy. When Jesus our Lord was sweating it out there in the garden or hanging on the tree, He could not be happy. He was the "man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief."

Wrongs and Rights?

Is there really such a thing as a right or wrong decision?

Whose reference point is it anyway?

Your friends? The world? The imaginary people who might chance upon it? God?

Have you ever confided in someone in a dilemma such as a colleague taking your credit, a friend who is too busy when you need them, a partner who deceives, and even before you ask, you feel like there's a 'right' answer to it. Heaven forbid that you still stay sweet and watch the rolling credits. Immediately, you feel really stupid for even thinking that there are alternative options. Then paralysis sets in.

The ways of the world can be quite brutal and unkind. Often the right thing to do is whatever that benefits/prevents a loss at the end of the day. Life have its own spectators yelling out to do what is right for you - do not make a decision that puts you on the losing side. You are the master of your (happy) destiny, right?

Wrong.

I was not happy with balancing on the tightrope of rights and wrongs. It felt strange. It made me question God if He was a good God and if He was all powerful and in control. It made me wonder if His ways are still relevant - the pillar of fire, the tabernacle, casting lots, or trying to hear that still small voice.

I must admit these thoughts stemmed from the fact that I never really thought much about a individual will of God for me. I have been brought up with good understanding of the generic wills of God - In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God; be filled with the spirit. No worries! I got those verses etched in my head I can run them on autopilot.

I have been praying for God to reveal one aspect of his will recently. It started when I asked a close friend about a scenario and she challenged me to seek if that is God's will. Coincidentally, I was also doing a bible study about Joshua. It all made sense, when God commanded, he also gave Joshua victory. It was very straightforward, too simple to be true.

I used to get really angry with someone because I expected a certain 'right' or 'wrong'. I was afraid that my imaginary crowd will boo at me if I didn't get angry and do what was right. That imaginary crowd sometimes includes my own human nature disguised in the name of 'being true to my needs'. What did that profit me over time? Pride in exchange for peace. I was momentarily proud that 'I've finally done the right thing for myself!'. No prizes for guessing why that happiness did not last.

You see, I didn't want to just be on that profitable side of the books. I have this great imagination of the pearly gates where God asks me about my life on earth, and I reply "Hey God, I made sure I didn't lose out, I got all my needs met, I made sure I chose a high flying job, a husband who loved me to bits, people marveled at my happy life and here I am!"

Don't get me wrong. I know what my hearts desires are. I do like to have a good job, spouse, kids, house, and all you can name. But in this quiet times, I found myself not fearing that I lose all the above, but fearing that I am not abiding in God's will, for I see what a victorious life is it to have Him walk with you, and a confusing one when you walk by yourself (or with your imaginary buddies).

The sheer fear of the Lord over following own ways is the beginning of wisdom.

Oh, I even recruited for myself a set of new and non-imaginary audience.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Moses, Rahab) let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Things that make me go oooo...

I know one day, I'll retire as that strange cat woman.

Just like a final episode...

I started the journey 2 months ago sitting at the courtyard in a series of beautiful warm autumn days. I brought along coffee and breakfast under the blue sunny skies.

I ended it yesterday. It was a cool night, and there were only stars in the sky.

The curtains fell on an amazing book. For years, I always got stuck with Joshua and Caleb spying on the land and bringing back a positive reply. I felt that God told me there's a promise that I needed to see, beyond the giants. I faintly thought that if I could see things positively like Joshua and Caleb, the promise land is mine.

For the last 2 months, I finally joined Joshua and my bible study guide to journey into the promise land. This lesson of faith was strongly felt, as I stood alongside him to fight and defeat 6 nations and 31 kings. I felt that I shared his fears, doubts, amazement, and he ended up being my inspiration to go forth and be courageous at the time I needed it most. Except that we were living across thousands of years apart.

Last night, I bade farewell to Joshua as he was buried in his grave. It seemed like I have go through enough battles with him to see how faithful God has been, and now I have to continue to walk my own path of faithfulness alone.

I felt bittersweet. I didn't want Joshua to go.

All the wrong feelings...

Today I had all the wrong feelings. I felt happy when I was supposed to feel sad, and calm when I was supposed to get angry.

Was talking to a good friend tonight, and she shared a story about a horrendous period that logically follows a heartbreaking end. But in a strange twist, the story ended in joy like the fall of the Jericho wall. The amazing thing is how she spoke to my heart and mind, giving me so many thoughts. It was as if she carved a lesson of calmness in adversity into my spirit.

I was trying to make a decision tonight. For the last few days, I had earlier wanted to do a certain thing my way, focusing too much on my emotions rather than accepting the decision of someone else. Then the calmness melted away the emotions, and I started typing an email to retract my decision.

Just as I was typing my email, I received a phone call. Some unpleasant words were spoken to me, and there were possibly good reasons to get angry. Instead I found some better words to speak, and I hope I calmed the person down.

My last phone call of the day. I abandoned the email I was writing earlier and called the person to retract my decision. My feelings for the decision were strong in the last few days, but after what happened today, I gave in (or gave up?) to make someone's life happier.

I think I was supposed to feel very upset tonight. I think God found my good friend and He gave me strength by being teachable through her story. That I can sometimes forget myself, my agenda, my anger, my strong feelings and even my selfish love for a better outcome. That outcome to smile when it hurts, laugh when you lost something, and be at peace in adversity.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

Is seeking God's will obsolete?

Growing up as a young Christian, I never really liked it when someone advises 'Oh, you should seek God and see where He directs'. For one, I know God wouldn't appear right in front of me and tell me "you should choose Job A over Job B, Man A over Man B, Satay over Rojak"...

Lately I have been reading about God's promises and faithfulness. Most of these happened in the old testament, and in those days, it sounded like a good story. God will appear, make some promises, and if the people obeyed, the promises will be fulfilled. Seems straightforward.

What about current times? God does not speak literally to people, the promises are the ones dated centuries ago, and how does one obey if it didn't come so directly? How do we make modern life choices and yet believe that there is a will from Him, and like the old testament, if we obeyed that will, God will unleash his promises.

Or are we given free will to who we choose to marry, where we choose to work, whether we move overseas, and with some goodwill, God will still be there for us. What about His promises?

I feel a little lost at having to run my own life this way.