Let's connect, superficially...

I am contemplating deleting my profile on facebook.

I was initially drawn into it as a form of keeping in touch with friends I've lost.

When I've found my 'long lost friends', I know I can choose to keep in touch via email.

Be honest to yourself, when did you last spent 10mins looking at someone else's life? And after that and you didn't even write a "Hi" after you sifted through his stack of photos of birthdays, party, trip with his girlfriend, comments on his pet dog and the recent wedding he's attended. Ironically, as much as you have now known the intimate details of his life, you are unlikely to even want to tell him what you did last weekend. 

There are the 'sifters', and there are the 'exhibitionists'. Yes, these two make the perfect pair, and is one of many reasons why facebook continues to thrive. The exhibitionists are the ones who tell others what they did for lunch, pictures of their breakfast, what they are thinking for dinner and if it involves boiling, steaming or blanching. Their updates move faster than the ticker tape of Nasdaq, and they know they have got an audience. Their profile, comments and 432 friends radiates great impressions better than the good news bible. 

Point is, is there a point? We all know there's only superficial truth and an element of WYSI(Not)WYG there. Why waste time writing, and why waste time reading? Would a good old 'Hi, how are things? What about you?' draw more goodness than a medium that relieves us with an avenue to connect superficially?

He

He can grant a wish or make a dream come true
He can paint the clouds and turn the gray to blue
He alone knows where to find the rainbow's end
He alone can see what lies beyond the bend


Finally I felt that I did the right thing. 

Conflicts

“If death and taxes are the first two certainties of life, conflict is the third. Life requires conflict! It is an essential part of God’s redeeming plan. Through conflict we know our need, acknowledge our sin, recognize truth, and it is by conflict God tests our faith.” (Book titled "Leaders on Leadership")

What are you selling?

Ever how you come across to people around you?


I am a very cautious person by nature. There are days I focus more on what can go wrong, versus what is right. I think for that reason, I am a really good operator, good at keeping deadlines and pre-empting risks, but possibly an uninspiring leader.


Walking home in half angst today, I was a little peeved about some work issues. For a moment, I caught myself in that 'mode'. If I saw myself across the road, I'll stay on the my side to avoid the angsty person on the other end.


If the bible is a source of good news, I hope I sell the right goods. Do I sell hope, faith and love? Or gloom, storms and 'what ifs'?

"We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Thes 1:3)

Isn't it amazing if you walk into work and you meet someone who radiates faith, hope and love?

Sometimes you have to put logic aside

I'm starting a 21 day prayer (and hopefully fasting of some kind) that the church entering into right now.

Did I even once mention that I'm a sucker for prioritising? For me, everything has a rank, a meaning and an accorded importance.

Lately I find that my attention has been drawn away and I'm too caught up with one or two things.

I hope that this time of prayer will help me realign a little more. To put what's on top at the top.

It's very tempting to say 'better job', 'more friends' or 'happier life'...

But something tells me that it's not just going to be about me.

It's about seeking him first, and the rest will settle.

Who would you marry?

Who would I marry...

At 15, it was that guy with that cute smile.
At 20, it was that guy who smiled at you.
At 25, it was that guy who you enjoyed your dates with
At 30, it was that guy who is your best friend
At 31, it was that guy who is still your best friend and can provide for your kids
At 32, it was that guy who would walk the mile for you and with you
At 33, it is the man who thinks he's found a treasure in you, and your treasure is him.

She said she'll give me lollipops

She said she'll give me lollipops, until I realized that they were made from Play doh.

Her mum is in hospital, after the baby decided to come 2 months early. She misses her dad like crazy, and is especially grouchy in the mornings.

She's especially cheeky, coming from a girl who insists on feeding herself from a big porcelain mug at 1 year old, about the same time I slapped my hand into my first birthday cake and laughed.

I can't say if I like all the new bundles of joy floating around facebook. To me, all babies look the same, and until they can make some meaningful conversation with you, they don't fascinate me much.

(There I said it!.. Shoot me)

Funny how I look at the man and he's not that fascinated with kids too. I used to be that position, and it worried some people a lot. I only love my own... and those who I have a real relationship with.

Someone like my 4 year old niece, who has a life bigger than her auntie here.

Just like Kevin

Recently I was asked by my colleague what my plans are after finishing my last exam. Cheekily, I pulled aside another colleague passing by and asked him the same question.

I asked him "What are your plans for the next 5 years?"
Without hesitating, he answered "I want to start taking control of my life"
I asked "How old are you?"
He answered "40, and hence it's time to start"

For the last few nights, I was flipping through job search pages. The current position is comfortable, the hours are good, the money is fine, but I don't feel the satisfaction. Perhaps it's the way the job is crafted for mediocrity, for those who prefer to make a run at 4.45pm and do the same things day-in-day-out.

Decisions decision...

I've flipped through Australian job sites, and I switch over to the Singapore ones. I did searches ranging from Audit to Assurance, Internal Controls to Business Analyst. There's the dilemma of which way to go. Sha who is close to finishing her ACCA will understand that at the end of the day, starting from scratch to gain a strict accounting experience is not an option. You just have to find a job that allows you to marry up both your previous life and the current one.

Times like these I want to go find a hole to hide.

Like what my colleague says, it's time to take control nevertheless. I don't think status quo is a good option. Comfort can be nice, but most times, it's a long term enemy. Drifting along is just as bad.

I am a planner.. i think about the future on my way to work, while waiting for the lift, on the toilet seat, in between tv programs.

Maybe I should take a leaf from Kevin Rudd... PM one day, jobless the next. I was just reading his tweets a moment ago, and from the numerous agendas and meetings he once had, now his activity of the day is to bring his son to the airport.

Well, what awaits me tomorrow? I think I shall just explore all avenues, and worry about it when it becomes a reality. Just like good ole Kevin Rudd.

The Hand is Free (soon)

My hand is getting out of prison after 5.5 weeks. It's a few days to 6 weeks but I am sneaking the opportunity to get it off since I'm going to Sydney.

The strange thing is that I really would have kept it till 6 weeks. It feels that I have run the race, and finished rightly.

As much as I complained in the earlier weeks, the same discomforts are there, but in a way, I'm past the crest of a big hump. I still struggle with 1 hand - tonight's dinner was disgusting because while trying to haul a laptop, a handbag and a large mcdonalds paper bag (no plastic ones with disabled friendly loops), and talking on the mobile phone with 1 hand, the coke spilled into my chicken mcnuggets and my fries, and then continued on soaking into my handbag. The clean up took longer than eating it, and I chucked half away since they were soggy.

Back to the hand, I was reflecting upon how I went from angst to submission. Factually, nothing has changed. The soggy mcnuggets are still in the bin. The word 'opportunity' just kept popping up. Somehow without the hand, I never knew there'll be strangers who can be concerned about a broken arm. I won't know how someone will stand up to be even more patient and drop yet another gear down. I won't know if another will cook and wash for me without fussing. I won't know how much perserverance I hold inside me, and the threshold of my own patience. Now I know, not just within my head, but with trial-tested assurance, where all these stand.

Jesus in his famous parable of The Good Samaritan, asked "Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" (The religious people who hurriedly went past him or the one who bandaged his wounds).The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

On the eve of removing my cast, I can say that the trial wasn't the hardest, and I don't wish to be cliche by saying that testing is good for you, but I dare say that through this harder time, I'm better acquainted with mercy and touched by those who didn't walk away. Oh, I am also more patient with myself too.


Introducing my one-handed friendly friends:
Hooks to hang my clothes instead of doing a balancing act with the hanger with 1 hand and a chin

From left: Disposable cutlery, the wand dish-scrubber, colgate handy pump toothpaste, very large garbage bag with convenient ties, microwave food since I can't cut and slice.

A friend in need is a friend indeed...

There are things I cannot explain.

Such as why you feel lonely with a broken arm, and why the people who can help you are so far away.
While the near and dear seems little to be found
Unfair he cries, why is my world on his shoulders
And he asks for the cup to be taken away

Did they tell you that a friend in need is a friend indeed
Is more an age old fable before the world coined neediness and busyness
That people should be able to stand on their own two feet
And not oblige others with their inequities

Who is just a passing fantasy
Of proven love, of deep assurance
Like a whiff of air
Once there
Now gone

Joyful versus happiness

I was thinking about what it meant when people say that all they want in their life is to be happy.

A few years back, I told a friend that my goal in life was not to be happy. He must have thought I was sadistic.

Then I realised that I must have shocked him.

There's a line in Sophie B Hawkin's "As I lay Me Down" that says "I wonder why I feel so high, though I am not above my sorrows". I do realised that a lot of things in life are many good things which do not make you happy, but they bring your joy.

Obedience, perserverance, responsibility, commitment, being patient, faithfulness, kindness... how happy can we possibly be waiting for someone, committing to something, doing something because out of responsibility, sticking on and pressing on when we don't really feel like it? The ways of the world teaches is to do whatever that makes you happy, and leave the uncomfortable things in life belongs to realms of the religious and overly moralistic.

Happiness is a feeling, joy isn't. Joy is knowing that you are bearing the fruits of the spirit inside you, knowing that even when that moment ends, you come out more like Jesus, who was not above His own sorrows, but walked in joyful obedience to the way of the cross.

Oh yes, how I got this thought.. I was climbing up the stairwell from the first to second floor in between meetings, thinking about what Jack Neo would have done if he resisted his extra-marital temptations and fought the thought that the pursuit of his own happiness isn't just the only goal his life. Very miserable, but hopefully responsibly and obediently joyful.

Still a special bunch...

At 11.30pm, my phone rings. Wonder who can it be.

Voices came on the other side, it was Audrey. Then more voices, and I remembered that it was 27  Feb. They have included me in the email for the CNY gathering at Angie's.

They took turns to talk to me, every one of them, except Angie who was tending to the baby. I don't know if they knew I was envious, and was also touched. For the short moments, I caught myself laughing. They are such happy, generous, thoughtful and amazing people.

I missed the tribe. I must have been very blessed to know people who still thought of me after 6 years of absence.

Happy new year to you all too. God bless all of you.

When Love Happens After Valentine's Day

We didn't have a fancy Valentine's day. I made 3 photo collages of all our shared moments, and he bought me some tulips. We had lunch at South Melbourne, walked around the NGV, and he had to spend chinese new year dinner with his family. We weren't in the best of lovey moods.

24 hours later, I called him after spotting a moth in the room. I have a out-of-proportion fear for moths (second only to cockroaches). It was 1.20am. There is no one at the house. I called him up in panic, and he tried pacifying me in his drowsiness. When the moth went into hiding, I went into panic, imaginations of how it will fly into my face surfaces. I have a knack for attracting creepy crawlies- a cockroach flew right unto my face while I was sleeping once, another one crept up my foot... a beetle flew past and got stuck in my hair even as I was running away from it, a spider I spotted in the living room walked right next to me in the shower stall, another spider with fat hairy legs nearly got flung unto me when I slammed the car door closed, and I ran out from the other side before you can say 'OMG'.

Back to the eventful night, he got into his car after hearing me fruitless attempts at trying to prod everything using a mop. Unfortunately, I only found the moth after he was already reaching.

The strange thing was, I felt that love happened after valentine's day. As I type, I am still looking at the pretty pink tulips in their half blossoms, but I can't help knowing that as unromantic as it sounds, there was love happening when someone gets out of bed, drives 20mins each way to help you rid a harmless moth.

I am still thinking about it at 3am...

What do you want to reap?

What do you want to reap tomorrow?

Just thinking about it makes me nervous, sometimes sad.

Nervous because I don't know if I am making the right decision. Sad because I usually have a humanly-devised ideal solution that is also usually out of reach.

Amidst the slew of decisions made and those to be made in the next few weeks, I was listening to the Derek Prince podcast on my way home today. He spoke on finding security in doing God's will. It reminded me of how as I grew older, I am more afraid of making wrong decisions, even little mistakes that will cost me a day of wasted time. My patience with myself falls short as well.

I know doing God's will will reap me the right fruits, and knowing that you are doing it with God's stamp of approval makes you feel real secure. Think about making a heavy financial investment by yourself versus together with someone. The risk of defaulting is definitely there, but the level of risk is mitigated by the strongest person in the partnership. If God is all powerful, then I want to have him in all the scary decisions that I make.

Time to snooze. Too much frustrations tonight...

Deja Vu

"Hey, how's your day? Is everything going fine?"

It was a text message that brought back a sense of deja vu. Some years back, while I was feeling sad, having a stomachache and the cat was sick, there was another sms that was came that same manner, only much more touching.

I laughed as we exchanged a few more texts and I fell asleep happily soon after.

In For One More Day, Mitch Albom wrote about Charley Benetto who was at his end of his wits. He was about to visit his childhood home to end his life, until he had a flashback, spending one final day with his dead mother. Together with his mother, he went back in time to see how his mother never stopped loving him and his sister, despite him trying to gain validation from an absent dad. The sections "Times I did not stand up for my mother" vs "Times My mother stood up for me" was bittersweet for me as well. In the end, Charley did not want to die any more, for he discovered how much his life was valued by being loved.

Know the ones who love you, for even when love cannot change circumstances, it can still lift you out of your darkest pits.

For the thief (devil) comes to destroy, but Jesus came that we may have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10).

A Whiff of Fresh Air

Isn't it strange how you never noticed someone's soft spot for you till you zoom out to look at the bigger picture?

Faithfulness and Uncertainty

Sometimes, we will have to make a 100 percent commitment to something even thought we do not have 100 percent certainty in our beliefs about it. When we can live in the midst of uncertainty with joyful and courageous commitment, we will change. We will become, maybe not more certain, but more faithful. And faithfulness matters more than certainty. It just doesn't feel as good.

What matters then is not certainty, but faithfulness. When certainty is not possible, faithfulness is still on the table.

Out of the Craziness

I must be the only one to be glad that the holidays are over.

Four full days in Sydney: eating roasts, a big nectarine & apricot cake, drinking copious amount of coffee and wine, reuniting with intersate and overseas friends, meeting up Kwok's colleagues from Mallesons, Rockband, brekky @ Bills and Gunners Barracks (both thumbs down), beautiful Mosman with dreamy yatchs just outside the balcony (to die for)...

I'm back to normalcy again. I haven't quite had that much time to think about things amidst the crazy buzz of the holidays.

Most of all, I always thought I wanted an answer to something, without figuring out if I myself had the answer. I haven't sat myself down to seriously consider if this was something I wanted. Reasons aside, I have deviated to a point that I need to slow myself down and take serious stock.

My first temptation came shortly after they've kept the fireworks. The recruiter called once again. He's always given me the feeling of someone manipulative. Before he can dangle another questionable job offer for this year, I got ahead of him by politely telling him what jobs I am truly interested in. Did I want to hear the rest? No thanks. I would like to stay focused. He later emailed to wish me happy new year.

If 2009 is a drift-along year, 2010 will be more adventurous and fruitful. Give me something exciting to work with, and with the help from God, it'll surely bring forth good fruits.

Christmas Ironies

It's Christmas day today and I'm heading off to Sydney in a few hours.

Driving along the freeway tonight, I was having a conversation with God. I thanked Him for sending Jesus down to earth, and to eventually die for us.

Jesus is his manifestation of God's love for us. This is why we celebrate Christmas.

Yet there are people I know that wished for this season to be over soon. It's a time where they are reminded of their loneliness, the lack of loved-ones around, the silence of the house as their neighbours fairy lights blinked on. All is calm, but there is no sleeping in heavenly peace.

I don't have family and close friends with me at this moment. Pangs of sadness did hit me as I was doing my last minute Christmas shopping and images of happy people and rowdy noises overwhelme me. I was also reminded of a single mother who will be spending Christmas all by herself. My heart sunk and I told God how much I really missed Him as my company.

So I ended the conversation in the car telling God that Christmas should be even more for those who are sad, lonely and hurting- for these are the people God has so much love for. Jesus would have invited them to his birthday party today.

Maybe another day.... when Christmas is really celebrated for what it is meant for.

Before 35

My good friend Sha did this in her blog, and I thought it's good to think about it (while recuperating at home from a lousy bout of gastro)

Things I would like to do before 35
1) Get married- Highly dependent on God
2) Be conversant in French - gave a lot back since sitting in french class in uni speaking hokkien with angela... oh, that and checking out the butt of the french instructor.
3) Finish the 10km marathon - I will sign up for the next one in 2010
4) Live in a place I can call my own - no more fearful eviction letters from housing agents!
5) Bring a person in need of God to church - not just inviting a friend
6) Serve in church
7) Learn photoshop
8) Finish reading the bible
9) Go camping
10) Swim and cycle decently