Random things I want to do...

I was thinking about my retirement plans and suddenly there were some things I am hoping to do after 60.

1) Enrol in a Christian counselling course and take up counselling after retirement. If I can afford three square meals by then, I will help give free counselling in church.
2) Illustrate a children's book, preferably with a cat character in it. I was looking at Alice in Wonderland but some of the pictures looked a little scary.
3) Learn how to draw those really pretty botanical drawings or flowers, leaves and birds.
4) Open a cattery. Decided I can't do animal rescue because I am too soft to put down kitty cats.
5) Plant my own veggie patch- that will be my form of exercise

To listen, to draw, to nurture...

One man's actions, another's pain

What happens if a drunken person drives and knock a cyclist down, and the cyclist got seriously injured and as a result, fell into depression, lost his job, his friends and his income? The drunken man is slapped with a fine and gets a jail term of 6 months. After 6 months, one man has paid for his consequences and one man is still reeling.

What if a husband with a highly paid job divorces his wife and takes the children and house along with him after paying his wife her rightful share. She does not have the ability to feed the kids as a single mom and so relinquishes her children. What if the wife has devoted the last 10 years of her life to the family and had no large savings nor career to speak of? The man later remarries someone else.

What I want to know is, how do the cyclist and the divorced wife live the first 3 months in their new state?

Do they get mad at the perpetrator, even if he had made the necessary compensation? Is compensation enough?

Do they blame themselves for not being 'careful', 'smart', and to see it coming?

Do they just 'get over it' because what's past is past, so let's get the party started!

Do they ask God 'why me????'

Do they just decide that life is not fair and get bitter?

Do they look outside their 5th floor window one quiet night and with their tear streaked face, wondered if life is really that worth living after this.

I really don't know how to offer answers to life changes as a direct or indirect consequence of someone's actions. These scenarios are a little different from sad stories involving sickness and poverty. I know of real people in the two situations above and they are doing well now. What I do wonder is, what were the initial months like? How do they get over the pain that someone's decision can plunge them into such darkness, even if the harm wasn't deliberate. Did people tell them to get over it, or forget the past?

Elijah goes into the cave

You are not in the position to evaluate your own effectiveness.

Let God render the final verdict.

That still small voice

Were there days where all you wanted was to hide inside a cave, shut the world out, and tell God 'I had enough!'... I did, and before I felt too ashamed of myself, Elijah did too.

I'm very touched to read that while Elijah was in the cave feeling so depressed, God did not tell him to 'toughen up', 'grow up', or get his act together. He simply cajoled him to go out of the cave and watch what happens. Then just when he thought God will appear in an earthquake or strong winds, there was nothing.

Yes.. nothing after one last desperate hopeless prayer. Nothing after you curl up and die. Nothing even when you finally convinced yourself to feed on some food and watch some tv, and nothing when the thoughts in your brain start to churn. Then one day, it comes in that still small voice to tell you what to do.

There are some spirits which must go through a discipline analogous to that sustained by Elijah. The storm-struggle must precede the still small voice. There are minds which must be convulsed with doubt before they can repose in faith. There are hearts which must be broken with disappointment before they can rise into hope. There are dispositions which, like Job, must have all things taken from them before they can find all things again in God. Blessed is the man who, when the tempest has spent its fury, recognizes his Father’s voice in its under-tone, and bares his head and bows his knee, as Elijah did. (F. W. Robertson)

Be afraid...

Be not afraid of challenges that seem unending
Or groundhog days
Be not afraid of steep faced hills
Or blizzards swirling around you

Be not afraid when your vision blurs
Or when you have made a wrong move
That you wasted time, efforts and hope
Or people deriding you

But be afraid that you
Quit when things are mending
Fail to see goodness in things
Lose faith in what you believe
Run, flee and never use your courage

Will God leave you in the cold?
Is God good?
Does He disappoints?
Can He be trusted?
Will He test you beyond what you can bear?

The next time you feel afraid, be even more afraid of forgetting who He is.

We need the eggs...

Just finished watching Annie Hall. Alvy Singer (Woody Allen) said this wistfully as he parted with his ex- girlfriend Diane Keaton- the ditzy girl meets neurotic with their craziest silly moments. Yet there are relationships that do not survive even if there is love, unreplicable memories and wistful reunions.

“It reminds me of that old joke- you know, a guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs. I guess that's how I feel about relationships. They're totally crazy, irrational, and absurd, but we keep going through it because we need the eggs.”

Those Durian and Tau Huey People

I am learning how to be thoughtful like a lot of people around me.

On Thursday, I got a message asking if I was home. I was out celebrating a friend's birthday. I said "No, what's up?".. and it was my friend asking if I wanted a bowl of tau huey that I was craving for some nights back.

On Saturday, I received a phone call while I was grocery shopping. There was an excited voice on the other line. "Hey, I was at Cold Storage and they were selling durians. I bought a few and do you want to have some with me?"

There are some truly nice people around. Some time ago, I thought one of the nicest thing is to make someone feel significant about themselves, because God made them significant in His eyes. I bounced around the concept of how to add value into other people's life?

I guess "Hey, it was just an ordinary day, and I was doing something really banal, and even though so, I thought about you" is pretty nice for a start.

Thoughts like these really motivate me. Try it! 

About measuring love...

As one reflects on love, do they wonder about its quantity?

Is it measured by an average of the amounts of love over a lifetime? Consistently average is the same as highs and lows.

Is it measured by how it starts? Falling in love, butterflies in the stomach, that wonderful first impression?

Is it measured by how it ends? A breakup, an affair, a divorce nullifies everything good before that?

Is it measured by how much one can appreciate? Do I think you love me more because you speak my love language? 

I thought about how much God loves me. 

Yet the biggest element of love is still that "God sent his only son to die for us, while we were still sinners'

Take something you value a lot, sacrifice it all for an unworthy person, possibly someone who annoys you, irritates you, and waste your precious time. Do it even before knowing if the love can be reciprocated, or if he takes you for granted. Do it even if it risk looking foolish in the eyes of the world, that you might cross your fingers that no one tags 'omg' on your facebook.

Do it so that love is not about some inconsistent expression fed by a spur of a moment. Do it so that a lover has no excuse to say he loved enough. Do it so that love is a challenge than a hindrance. Do it so that we can love in disappointment, in tears, in anger, in pain, in disdain, in courage and in humility. 

Do it so that for some crazy reason, there are people with godly decency to talk about for centuries to come. For you cannot erase a love like this.

That is a pretty good measure of love. Past, present, future.

Night Festival

Went to the Night Festival last weekend. We went to the National Museum at 11pm, and who could have predicted that we walked out at 2am?!

It's been a few years since I went the the National Museum, and there was not too much of a change. There was a light display on the facade of the building, very much like the Singapore Art Museum that we visited earlier.

I was initially reluctant to walk into the final exhibition room of Singapore History Gallery, thinking it might be too much of a propaganda. It turned out to be quite entertaining since they provide you with an audio guide, and that was the room I did not visit the last time. A little wordy in the information part, but good if you like to listen to stories.

By 3am we were having a round of supper at the airport. I have to enjoy the craziness before it ends!

When I find the right person...

Had been watching Andy Stanley quite a bit lately. I really love his sermons!

In the series on "The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating", he talked about a very common myth of 'Finding the right person'- that some people believe that when they find the right person, there will be little effort needed to be patient, kind, to not envy... and conversely, when we find ourselves in marriages and relationships that are not kind, nor patient, it is because he/she 'is not the right person!'.

I once went out with a person who loves to fill up survey forms when we dined in restaurants. I was far from patient in those days, but I blamed it on his simple-mindedness, that 'it looked so silly' that I felt irritated. If only he was a little more like this or that and I'll be admiring him. Fast forward years later, I think what Andy said was right. I was more likely irritated because I was full of pride more than he was the 'wrong person'. Being a prideful person was probably more detrimental to a marriage than a person who fills out survey forms! Will meeting a less simple minded person help because I will like him better and hence it will take less effort to be kind? Possibly so in the short run, but we all know that the definition of a 'right person' changes throughout one's life. Soon enough, we are left with the 'wrong person' again. Worse still, we meet a more 'right person' and we realised our spouse cannot be any more wrong. One point I found humorously true, was that Andy pointed out that while we can naturally and effortlessly feel passionate and 'in love', we do not naturally and effortlessly become more patient and kind (chuckles with guilt).

So it is more important not to buy the myth of 'the right person' than to make sure that we become the right person ourselves. More importantly, Andy mentioned if we are becoming the kind of person who we are looking for, is looking for? Take it simply, am I that kind of person my future husband/wife is looking for? I thought that was very inspiring to start practising patience, kindness, showing my 'wow' for the other person, tame my tongue, say sorry, and the whole 1 Cor 13 list.

He also talked about determining the 'stories' we want to tell others. What we do in the present will become our past, which will eventually surface in the future with your future partner. While it is not about spewing details like who-did-what, you still cannot get away with the behavior and decisions you made. It's interesting that Andy said that even if you choose not to tell your story, you might not even like your own story, and you can't run away from that. So choose your actions well today, it'll become your story of tomorrow.

The sermon can be found here.

La-la-la...

 

My toys were pretty excited. All because it was like them, pint-sized, had a cute little personalised drawing on it, and we all had a sing-a-long session.

Random teenage blurb

Seeing how a good friend's daughter has grown into a teenager brings back memories.

I asked an old friend what was the first cassette he bought, he thought, and went "Paula Abdul's Forever your Girl". I chuckled. That was my first cassette too.

Managed to rack my brains to think a bit of my teenage years, and came with these interesting snapshots.

1) Buying the same Esprit bag as my partner in Sec 3, and bringing home the wrong bags one day. There was no mobile phone in those days and we had no choice but to bring them home first.

2) Sitting in the square in Takashimaya during short day Wednesdays in JC days. Orientation groups, classmates, ex-classmates. There was few suburban malls, no exciting places other than Orchard then.

3) Swapping letters with a good friend every day during common lectures. We wrote pages and pages. We still email now.

4) "Staying back for Projects" was always a great excuse to use for a social gathering of classmates.

5) At 13, I still do not know what possessed me to conduct a science experiment with my partner on 'which brand of chocolate melts the fastest'. In room temperature in tropical Singpore, pretty much none did.

6) Listening and recording songs played in radio- easiest time to do it is during 'Song Dedication' timeslots. I sent a dedication to my class, and also my first crush.

There is no forever after, but happy moments still remain in retrospect.

Flip flap...

When one door closes, another opens.

True and honourable relationships stand the test of time.

Try a little faith...

How do you feel about trading your wisdom for faith?

I tried a little last week. The fact is, your wisdom, still works to certain extents when it comes to the outcome. You can, like me, pour through annual reports, SEC fillings, headache-inducing 138 pages of guidance between GAAP and IFRS in anticipation of the latest interview. But I did something different this week. I asked God to take over, to not land an offer because I did the above, to then take full credit for being 'so prepared'. Of late, I was wary of wanting to orchestrate situations and its outcomes solely by putting faith in my wisdom. I decided to exercise a rather irrational card- faith. I prayed that God gives me the right things to say, that I honour him in my answers. 

I used to think someone will laugh at me for being simplistic if I just trump situations with the 'have faith' card. I thought it might even sounded mindless. Not that I do not prepare for interviews anymore, but I learn not depend on wisdom, but on God's goodness and sovereignty. 

I must say the outcomes have been supernatural too. Such outcomes certainly feed my soul better than a proud pat on my back that my own wisdom has brought me across the circumstantial gamble. 

I found a quote by Tozer that I noted in my journal a few years back.


“To believe actively that our Heavenly Father constantly spreads around us providential circumstances that work for our present good and our everlasting well-being brings to the soul a veritable benediction. Most of us go through life praying a little, planning a little, jockeying for position, hoping but never being quite certain of anything, and always secretly afraid that we will miss the way. This is a tragic waste of truth and never gives rest to the heart.

There is a better way. It is to repudiate our own wisdom and take instead the infinite wisdom of God. Our insistence upon seeing ahead is natural enough, but it is a real hindrance to our spiritual progress. God has charged Himself with full responsibility for our eternal happiness and stands ready to take over the management of our lives the moment we turn in faith to Him.” - Tozer

Importance

It takes 4 weeks to gain attachment, 4 months to grow affinity, 4 years to root importance.


It takes 4 weeks to dull attachments, 4 months to change preferences, 4 years to root importance.

What is important to you today? Will it be the same in 4 years time?

Faith

Faith - how to get there

First dig yourself a fairly large hole
Next jump into it
Try your utmost might to get out of it
Realised you have not got a chance to get out
Fret, get angry, frustrated
Cry for help, contemplate giving up
Wait, don't lose hope
Know that someone heard you
Know even if you don't know how
Know even if you don't know when
Know that you will somehow be saved

Or blame yourself for digging the hole
For jumping into it
For not bringing a ladder down
For losing your cool
For acting weak by crying for help
For wasting time to hope
For having no comfort
For uncertainties
For you know that you might never be saved

The things you can be sure of, are death and your own created consequences. God has unseen plans which you need the key of faith to unlock.

I am unlocking a few things.. and it has been exciting so far... unbelievable some days...

When I was 18...

I was just browsing through some classified ads online and came across this particular ad:

i have currently just turned 18 and i wanted to start my own family by starting off with a kitten , if anyoneeeee has one that they will give to me or ill pay a bit before , please contact me , i really want to save and give a good kitty a home

When I was 18, the most independent thing I had done by then was to take an overseas trip out with some friends. I was impressed by this boy because he related turning 18 with the maturity one needs to take care of something else. He posted an ad, and he's willing to even pay a small price (listed in ad as $100) for this experience. He's got a goal in wanting to save a cat.

I kept wondering what my own kid will want at 18. Would he be asking for more responsibility? Would he start relishing in standing on his own two feet?

I am pretty impressed by his maturity.

Virtues that stand the test of time

I was watching my friend's wedding video last night. There was the part where the husband listed the strengths of my friend, and what he appreciates about her.

I did not like the husband much during their courting days because he was the high achiever and my friend was a very simple girl. At one point, he seemed to look down on her, and she knew that.

But last night, he mentioned her 'kindness, patience and love', three standout characteristics of my friend that I wholeheartedly agree from my 20 years of friendship with her. I nodded in unison while watching, having that 'evil' thought that even a proud person knows how to be humbled by these characteristics.

The beauty of age is that with time, kindness and patience become more obvious, for what virtue is that if I am only patient for a day? I have seen a few friends who have constantly showed such characteristics, and I am so happy for them that even their husbands cannot run from appreciating that.

No wonder they say Love is Patient, Love is Kind. It mutes the richest man, silences the proud, and gives grace to those who have done wrong.

Things that makes me go hmm...

Saw a few random things online today that made me stop to think a little bit more than what to eat for breakfast or if my robot vacuum cleaner is doing its run.

I was planning for the Easter holidays, and came across an advertisement for a 'travel buddy' on the classifieds. Ah, the pleasures of youth and the days of backpacking! I thought. Then as I read on, it was a middle age lawyer asking for a 18-25 years old slim and bright girl of any nationality to travel with him overseas. All expenses paid.

Then I skipped on to tag a cnet news on 'Draw Something'. I have earlier sent a picture of his drawings to the call for submissions. One of them was selected to be on the gallery. I must say I was pretty thrilled, as I thought it was a rather cute picture. It was not Turner prize quality, but we played it the good ole way, sans stylus, sans ipad, sans buying 'additional colours'. I came across 'Cowboy' who wrote a snide comment about how my particular picture was 'terrible', and wanted other readers to agree with him. I thought long and hard about giving him a verbal trashing, but decided I'll sleep over it, and if no one follows his thread, he'll be the one feeling 'terrible'. Silence is the biggest winner here.

I guess the internet has made all kinds of unseen relationships outside the traditional lines of friends, lovers and enemies. Maybe there will be a girl who will respond to the travelling ad, and she does not even need to know Mr Lawyer twice her age. Similarly, I might wake up tomorrow throwing my woman's wrath at Mr Cowboy who just has to let loose his sophisticated taste on art on something so small as 'Draw Something'.

Sometimes I wonder why...

I am very convinced I've ran out of public transport karma, even if I am not a fare evader.

The last citybound bus outside my house ends at 2.31pm every weekday (why??). The nearest train station is 3km away and according to the transport planner, will take a minimum of at least 3 transfers and 37mins to finally arrive to what is only just the start of the journey (see figure above).

So to get to a friend's house for my Chinese New Year this hot 34 degrees day, I have methodically researched and strategised that I will walk 10mins to the main road, catch this one and only bus of the day transporting workers to another railway station, hop on a train, take 1 stop, change to another train, enjoy the air con for 30mins, hop off, and walk 10mins to his house.

Welcome to one of the world's most (un-be)liveable city.