Wrongs and Rights?

Is there really such a thing as a right or wrong decision?

Whose reference point is it anyway?

Your friends? The world? The imaginary people who might chance upon it? God?

Have you ever confided in someone in a dilemma such as a colleague taking your credit, a friend who is too busy when you need them, a partner who deceives, and even before you ask, you feel like there's a 'right' answer to it. Heaven forbid that you still stay sweet and watch the rolling credits. Immediately, you feel really stupid for even thinking that there are alternative options. Then paralysis sets in.

The ways of the world can be quite brutal and unkind. Often the right thing to do is whatever that benefits/prevents a loss at the end of the day. Life have its own spectators yelling out to do what is right for you - do not make a decision that puts you on the losing side. You are the master of your (happy) destiny, right?

Wrong.

I was not happy with balancing on the tightrope of rights and wrongs. It felt strange. It made me question God if He was a good God and if He was all powerful and in control. It made me wonder if His ways are still relevant - the pillar of fire, the tabernacle, casting lots, or trying to hear that still small voice.

I must admit these thoughts stemmed from the fact that I never really thought much about a individual will of God for me. I have been brought up with good understanding of the generic wills of God - In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God; be filled with the spirit. No worries! I got those verses etched in my head I can run them on autopilot.

I have been praying for God to reveal one aspect of his will recently. It started when I asked a close friend about a scenario and she challenged me to seek if that is God's will. Coincidentally, I was also doing a bible study about Joshua. It all made sense, when God commanded, he also gave Joshua victory. It was very straightforward, too simple to be true.

I used to get really angry with someone because I expected a certain 'right' or 'wrong'. I was afraid that my imaginary crowd will boo at me if I didn't get angry and do what was right. That imaginary crowd sometimes includes my own human nature disguised in the name of 'being true to my needs'. What did that profit me over time? Pride in exchange for peace. I was momentarily proud that 'I've finally done the right thing for myself!'. No prizes for guessing why that happiness did not last.

You see, I didn't want to just be on that profitable side of the books. I have this great imagination of the pearly gates where God asks me about my life on earth, and I reply "Hey God, I made sure I didn't lose out, I got all my needs met, I made sure I chose a high flying job, a husband who loved me to bits, people marveled at my happy life and here I am!"

Don't get me wrong. I know what my hearts desires are. I do like to have a good job, spouse, kids, house, and all you can name. But in this quiet times, I found myself not fearing that I lose all the above, but fearing that I am not abiding in God's will, for I see what a victorious life is it to have Him walk with you, and a confusing one when you walk by yourself (or with your imaginary buddies).

The sheer fear of the Lord over following own ways is the beginning of wisdom.

Oh, I even recruited for myself a set of new and non-imaginary audience.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses (Abel, Enoch, Noah, Abraham, Moses, Rahab) let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. 

Things that make me go oooo...

I know one day, I'll retire as that strange cat woman.

Just like a final episode...

I started the journey 2 months ago sitting at the courtyard in a series of beautiful warm autumn days. I brought along coffee and breakfast under the blue sunny skies.

I ended it yesterday. It was a cool night, and there were only stars in the sky.

The curtains fell on an amazing book. For years, I always got stuck with Joshua and Caleb spying on the land and bringing back a positive reply. I felt that God told me there's a promise that I needed to see, beyond the giants. I faintly thought that if I could see things positively like Joshua and Caleb, the promise land is mine.

For the last 2 months, I finally joined Joshua and my bible study guide to journey into the promise land. This lesson of faith was strongly felt, as I stood alongside him to fight and defeat 6 nations and 31 kings. I felt that I shared his fears, doubts, amazement, and he ended up being my inspiration to go forth and be courageous at the time I needed it most. Except that we were living across thousands of years apart.

Last night, I bade farewell to Joshua as he was buried in his grave. It seemed like I have go through enough battles with him to see how faithful God has been, and now I have to continue to walk my own path of faithfulness alone.

I felt bittersweet. I didn't want Joshua to go.

All the wrong feelings...

Today I had all the wrong feelings. I felt happy when I was supposed to feel sad, and calm when I was supposed to get angry.

Was talking to a good friend tonight, and she shared a story about a horrendous period that logically follows a heartbreaking end. But in a strange twist, the story ended in joy like the fall of the Jericho wall. The amazing thing is how she spoke to my heart and mind, giving me so many thoughts. It was as if she carved a lesson of calmness in adversity into my spirit.

I was trying to make a decision tonight. For the last few days, I had earlier wanted to do a certain thing my way, focusing too much on my emotions rather than accepting the decision of someone else. Then the calmness melted away the emotions, and I started typing an email to retract my decision.

Just as I was typing my email, I received a phone call. Some unpleasant words were spoken to me, and there were possibly good reasons to get angry. Instead I found some better words to speak, and I hope I calmed the person down.

My last phone call of the day. I abandoned the email I was writing earlier and called the person to retract my decision. My feelings for the decision were strong in the last few days, but after what happened today, I gave in (or gave up?) to make someone's life happier.

I think I was supposed to feel very upset tonight. I think God found my good friend and He gave me strength by being teachable through her story. That I can sometimes forget myself, my agenda, my anger, my strong feelings and even my selfish love for a better outcome. That outcome to smile when it hurts, laugh when you lost something, and be at peace in adversity.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. 

Is seeking God's will obsolete?

Growing up as a young Christian, I never really liked it when someone advises 'Oh, you should seek God and see where He directs'. For one, I know God wouldn't appear right in front of me and tell me "you should choose Job A over Job B, Man A over Man B, Satay over Rojak"...

Lately I have been reading about God's promises and faithfulness. Most of these happened in the old testament, and in those days, it sounded like a good story. God will appear, make some promises, and if the people obeyed, the promises will be fulfilled. Seems straightforward.

What about current times? God does not speak literally to people, the promises are the ones dated centuries ago, and how does one obey if it didn't come so directly? How do we make modern life choices and yet believe that there is a will from Him, and like the old testament, if we obeyed that will, God will unleash his promises.

Or are we given free will to who we choose to marry, where we choose to work, whether we move overseas, and with some goodwill, God will still be there for us. What about His promises?

I feel a little lost at having to run my own life this way.

Cupcake pretty surprise

Oh Spring should be pretty isn't it? Lots of flowers in bloom.

Not really so. Lots of beautiful flower bloom in winter here. The white english musk roses at the front of the house, the pink camelias shedding their lovely rich pink flowers, petal by petal, forming a lush pink carpet on the woody base.

The pot of white orchids towering me on the table as I type, one of 6 flowers shyly opened its bloom in the last 4 hours since I sat next to it.

Cindy's Protea and Kale (ornamental cabbage) are still blooming after 1 week. Cindy's back in sunny Singapore, and I am now their custodian for the next few weeks.





















One recent morning, I woke up, drew the blinds for the first time in a week, and was greeted by cupcake pretty pink flowers. The tree you see on the side has more pink buds, and unlike shedding by petals, the entire flower breaks off and lands nicely on the ground. Some of these flowers dropped onto the fern next to it and it looks like the fern is flowering.

House Warming of a Different Kind

Now that winter has set in and I am now huddled up at home working on my laptop, watching the world goes by in the quiet and cold afternoons.

When I say the world goes by, it really did. Here are our guests for the housewarming of a different kind.

The Redwattle Bird- who loves nectar in tubular flowers

The stray kitty cat - whose confident broad strides showed that he has been prowling the compound of this house earlier than us.

 The Lion- who according to the natural progression of guests, should arrive soon.

The Good Hearted People

Sometimes it feels that some people are just born with a good heart.

Or is it their life experiences? That they have only seen better in life, and they are just replicating what others have done to them?

There's a friend's ex-colleague who I got introduced via email to as I was interested in a position advertised in the company he's working in. That was few months ago. He talked me through the role and gave me information of the company. Although the application fell through, and we were both disappointed, I was quite thankful for such niceness.

The same job ad came up again. I did thought about him when I applied, but thought that I didn't want to bother him again. Today I got an email from him, asking me to give it a go. He gave me some information, and also made a mention to the recruiting manager.

Since we have never met, I didn't think that it is worth for him to go through all that trouble. That' really nice of him to do that, and I did learn a good lesson on being a good hearted person- that it really touches people's lives, and it makes me want to care a little more, because even strangers cared enough for me.

Thanks to my banking angel in New York right now, for noticing, bothering and helping.

Sick, Tired but not Worn Out

I caught the bug. I was coughing like an old lady, and was risking spreading the germs around. A cup of Berroca, a cup of Manuka honey, 2 panadols and I am calling it a night. I think I shall add Manuka Honey into my list of 'get-me-well' formula on top of Berroca and Panadol.

I am perving at interior designs that I cannot afford. It's still worth a dream. I used to borrow a few interior design books from the library on my way home in Singapore (they were rather heavy to lug around with). Gives me great joy to run through the pictures rather than the latest copy of fashion magazine though.

My latest object of desire has to be Antonio Citterio. I have a love-hate relationship with him since seeing that shelf in Space. Love it because of the clean lines in his design - I have since went on to like his sofas - Hate it because of the forbidden price tag. The shelf cost $19k and the complex architecture behind its thin shelves makes it difficult to copy. There is nothing fancy with the design, the lines are just too amazingly clean.

Time to hit the sack. Drinking the last mouthful of my NZ Manuka Honey.

Oh, speaking of NZ, prayers tonight go to Christchurch. The hip hotel we stayed last year is just right next to the Hotel Grand Chancellor, which is on the verge of collapse. If that falls, it's adios to Hotel SO too.

MY FAVOURITE THINGS

Past emails...

I was trying to dig out an old address in my disused email inbox when I came across emails Sha, Nel and I wrote 10 years ago. My laughter was inconsolable. I had to forward Sha some of it for memory sake. We even had to guess what on earth some were about based on the time stamp.

It's so consoling to know that 10 years later, across countries, we are still emailing almost everyday. I think I'll keep the current ones and read them 10 years down the road.

One more week...

Counting down to next week, and it's not towards Valentines Day.

Trust - demonstrated by the predictability of the object, with reliable outcomes. Projected to be extinct by the end of this century.

Isn't Goodbye Strange?

I get little strange goodbye feeling these days.

Spending the last few moments of work today laughing with a colleague bent on sabotaging the 'checking in' function on facebook, we said goodbye at the lobby. I thought, hmm... haven't laughed so stupidly in ages, since the days of old.

Then I walked past Shop 7- the place I get my coffee sometimes when I prefer a friendly smile to a dearer coffee. Andrew the owner was there and today was his last day. I was about to walk away and he came to the door, gave me a goodbye peck and I wished him all the best. I wished he didn't leave, because I was starting to like buying a coffee from someone and not from a place. He looks a little sad, but he's done a great job with Shop 7 in the last one and a half years.

Suddenly I thought, maybe I wouldn't be around that long too. Had been thinking so much these days about what I really see in my future. What are the things I value? (real relationships). What makes me laugh? (almost anything lighthearted and down-to-earth). What sort of job and what company will suit me? (still yet to finalise) Do I like the friendships or hate the ridiculous work culture in Singapore more? (this is the one million dollar question) Is love big enough to put both family and friends on the backburner?

Felt like saying goodbye but I know I don't have a destination. So I pretended to think that the current limbo isn't going to last very long. Soon I will say goodbye to something I do not yet know.

Angel in the House

I just stumbled out of my daze into the kitchen. There's a dish of tempura prawns and some melon and mushrooms left out for me. Earlier, I was thinking of settling for cereal and milk.

She leaves more than food for a hungry and sometimes stressed up me. Most times she leave me a feeling of a quiet love and humbleness. For the few times she's here, I enjoyed having her around (not just for the cooking), but each time, she endears me to her.

Then again, am I surprised? My housemate, her daughter, has been the best person to live with. There were my shortcomings but she beared it really well. I can see where she inherit her personality from.

Today I cooped myself in the room because I was feeling a little down and tired. She knocked a couple of times to see if I was sick. I was touched.

Aunty, you are the angel in the house. There's so much to learn from your quiet loveliness.

Hot choc and Antihistamines equals almost perfect.

Had a strange attack of itch last night at 3am. Now I am resting with antihistamines and a cup of hot Belgian chocolate. Was reading some articles on Focus on the Family until I came upon this:


Love does not come to dwell in perfection, for no one is perfect. Love dwells in the unlovely, the imperfect. My love for another is not produced by the object of my love. It exists in me when I choose to love all that is unlovely and imperfect; and I thereby receive the love I need by being the lover first. Love is the "bond of perfection" (Shana Schutte)


I love the way the author has put it so eloquently on the translation of Colossians 3:14. I can get so mad sometimes thinking about the flaws of someone, and I am sure I am that cause of frustration to others as well. We are all imperfect people, and it has become cliche to sometimes disclaim "I'm not aiming for perfection, but I would like this, that and that and that as well". 


I was emailing Sha just now. There was a senior in school who was our common 'angel'- a game we play with the mysterious exchange of letters and little gifts. We came to know that we got the same person. He gave Sha a beady eye stuffed bear and me a box of Lindt chocolates. We debated the whole night about this person, and also, is the bear better than chocs? Anyhow, we were talking about how we were once wide eyed girls who had a list of what we want in a man. Now happily married, Sha told me that compared to the good swinging 20s, the list is shorter now. We know that reality has little to offer to the perfectionist, but plenty for the optimist. Life is also too short to engage with a headbutt with not getting what you want (I call it the tantrum of the 30 year old- foot stamping included). The remedying time out should be age divided by two- so we are aiming for at least 15mins at the naughty corner.


Back to the imperfections, be the lover first. Can you? Do you dare?


(Time to drift into a much needed rest)

And she ate and ate... till she got a crushed foot

Tuesday night- 8 course degustation at No 35 on top of the Sofitel watching a sunset.
Friday Afternoon- 6 course degustation at Vue de Monde, complete with bubbly, white and red wines.
Friday Evening- 6 course dinner at Flower Drum, complete with full stomach, drooping eyelids and enough food to last through a famine.

I never ate for 12 hours in my life, not even in my other life as a Singaporean living through 5 courses.

In between sitting through Melbourne's top restaurant and top chinese restaurant, I tried going to the gym in a futile effort to burn some calories. I ended up peddling too hard and had a foot caught between the pedal of the ski machine. I ended up hobbling around over the weekend.

Too much good is not good for you. I'm certainly going to watch what I eat. My new philosophy is 'If you have a quota for calories, might as well fill it with things worth eating!"... Sha, who is indulging in her 10millionth piece of bak kwa will attest to that.

Don't run on the spot for too long...

There are people who spend a lifetime wishing for something/someone that will never come.

All this while as the present whizzes by without them knowing.

Until the last ream unravels and you find that you are at the last page.

Then you realised that all you did was to unravel the unknown but never really living a life in that time. People laugh at people who live each day as it comes, like a carefree bum. At least they did live yesterday and the day before. Unlike me, who spent the last few days extrapolating the future, and all I am left with was a hazy week that has gone by.

I have set a date to stop extrapolating the future and start living the present. Imagining the race is fun but running the race is way better.

Therefore, do not be asking what you are to eat nor what you are to drink; and do not waver between hope and fear.

As a friend said 'Who died and made you God'?

In my earlier life, I only came across one instance of despising. 

It was the family of the girl who brought me to church. She came from a wealthy family. I spent quite a bit of time with her. Then one day, when her father was giving me a lift to the train station, he told me 'XX's mum does not like her hanging around with you. Please spend less time with her'. Her mum also made it a point not to allow her to invite me to her birthday party where other common friends in sunday school was invited.

Though puzzled, it didn't bother me much. I did sort of knew that between us, we had a difference in status.

I only truly learn the word despise more clearly in Australia. In a country where words like 'annoying' is someone else's last name and 'confidence' is our own middle name, it doesn't take a lot to utter despise in full confidence to that annoying person. Jesus' righteous anger is passe, righteous despise is the new cool. The next time you meet a bogan, stop next to someone in a roaring Holden Commodore at the lights, talk to a colleague who speaks with a 'wierd accent', shop at the western suburb next to the blue collared worker, feel free to consider how they haven't made the best of their lives and that you did.

I didn't write this to condemn those who do. I am guilty of it myself. Quite possibly I wrote this because I know how easily I can be a fool to believe that there is an order of things that permits one to despise another.

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him."

Everyone is back, yay!

The house is alive again
The days are longer again
The public holidays are back again
Yay!

No wonder they say anticipation is sweet.

The Storms of Life

Would my little storm be less important if I know of another big storm blowing elsewhere?

I was a little chaffed today at work. When it happened, I felt emotionally fired up, and I had to diffuse it by venting with a friend tonight.

Just as I was retiring for the night, a previous maid who used to work for us emailed me about Super Typhoon Megi wrecking havoc in the Philippines. She wrote me just as they were bracing the heavy rains and winds outside (It must be nice to be remembered during the eye of a storm). Her house was wrecked by another typhoon some years back.

I returned the email with a prayer for her and her family. As much as I made it sound like a joke about writing me in a midst of a storm, I think that the spirit of it is admirable- thinking of others while the storms in your life are still blowing through.

It made me reflect upon my earlier storm, and I hereby downgrade mine to a 'storm in a teacup'.

Older me

I turned older again! I've stopped counting some years back, and often have to do the necessary subtraction to find my age. I can't complain about time passing too soon, because I secretly hold my breath for winter to pass. Isn't it nice that I get to have my birthday during Spring? It used to be the dreaded exam week when I was growing up.

I've got a bunch of happy Geberas, a lovely dinner at Attica and a necklace for a present. Quite a number of friends send in their blessings. At this age, I think it's thoughtful enough just to send someone a message, although I have to say that I am still 'anti-facebook' due to the lower sincerity factor.

I am suffering from a bout of post-birthday blues though. I haven't figured out why yet, quite possibly post holiday-friends-supper-family blues since it's only been a few weeks since I returned.Times like birthdays remind you of sharing your joy with people who mean something to you.

Well, I'll be sharing the joy with my happy Geberas in the meantime!

Start getting curious, cut the assumptions.

Remember the first date... you wanted to know what the other party thought, and why they think the way they do.

Somewhere between familiarity and predictability, we stopped asking 'why' and 'how come'.

If one is moody, they are just playing up. Is there really a need to find out why?

Microwave answers and assumptions-easy to conjure, convenient to use and saves a lot of effort.

When did we stop getting curious? Isn't curiosity part of understanding?

Better when you didn't know...

Sha and I were having a little email banter. I first found out about the death of Mrs Lee Kuan Yew from Sha's lament on Facebook. Like many Singaporeans, she was quite touched.

There was also another email I got from another friend, who wasn't too impressed with the attention given to her. He wrote in jest that it wasn't Joan of Arc or Mother Theresa who passed away.

So there I was, typing mindlessly away to Sha. I told her that it has to be that spirit of how despite her great academic achievements, a smart lady like her gave up what she had to help her husband fulfill his nation-building dream, tirelessly sacrificing, and was quiet about it until she breathe her last. I was kind of at my last sentence here until I found an uncanny resemblance.

Thousands of years ago, there was a great man who gave up his heavenly position, came down to serve and fulfill the will of his father, tirelessly helping and healing, and was quiet till he breathe his last.

Strange how we don't need formalised religion to program us into recognising what is admirable in life. Thousands lined up to pay their last respects. Thousands more felt the grief of the husband who lost his wife of 63 years.

It is surely not Joan of Arc or Mother Theresa. It was Jesus and the father who sent him.

Hello Old Friends!

Hello old friends,

It's been great catching up with you. It's not a chiche to say that old friends can always reconnect when they meet again.

I met up with my oldest friend who is still in contact with me. It's been 25 years of knowing her. We baked cakes when we were 11 years old, hoping to practice for 6 months before giving a cake to our fathers on their birthdays. I finally asked her if she found out why all our cakes stuck to the pan. I got the answer.

I spent an hour chatting in the carpark with my secondary school partner after our 3 hour dinner. She said meeting up 4 times got better each time. We talked about her marriage, life, work, but beyond that, it was about her fears, hopes and feelings. We exchanged more than 100 hand written mails in our high school days.

I bumped into my good old friend having dinner with her husband. This time, her husband joined us and I noticed he's different now- sweeter and more tender to her. I was happy for her. We went shopping, talked about the old times, opened our private thoughts till 4am in the morning. That was how it was in after uni days. We talked so much that it was devastating when the teleco started per minute fixed line billing.

I met the tribe. If there is a happy gas equivalent, it's with the tribe. They make me laugh even though we were colleagues for 2-4 years, and I've left them for 6 years. If there were silly memories, it's mostly with the tribe.

I met a friend who worked, travelled, and shared a single bed with me. We are of different faiths but it never stopped us from knowing each other well. She's been my partner in crime for so many things because we complement each other well in the 'doing' aspect of things.

I also resumed the unofficial mothering mentorship with my first mummy friend. We did the school runs together, just to make use of the free time to catch up. My first glimpse of motherhood was when I was the regular fixture in her house 10 years ago.

I'm glad that sometime long ago, I gave someone a chance to know me. I am more blessed that long ago, someone also gave me a chance to know them... and till this day, we are still giving.

Is love a...

Is love a conviction or decision?

Which one are you?

This few days have been quite refreshing. I indulged in all things me and girly.

I've done a Bridget Jones tonight, deliberating making a trip to get 2 seasons of Sex and the City, and one large tub of Chocolate Indulgence Connoisseur Ice Cream. Of course I donned on my pink lamb patterned flannel PJs to add to the mood.

I needed to feel happy being me again, and being me is getting happy over a lot of little things in life. I went to check out a new walking path in the neighbourhood in the rain, found out that the nearest dvd shop has since closed, I went to a few post offices to get my mails sorted, I visited my concierge- who is ever so nice and friendly, listened to a few amazing sermons, read the bible, looked at my friend's photos, rang a friend who attended church with me back from Singapore who is on MC, cooked chicken soup for dinner, and when it all adds up, I am feeling happy and contented.

I just sat through 5 episodes of SATC. From a sociological perspective, I really liked the way SATC  throws some uncanny observations of women and society. Everyone can more or less identify themselves as 1 of them, or a cross of 2. I am probably very similar to Carrie in our perspectives on romance. Some of the things she said in season 2 make me laugh, because I believe I said the same things before.

Tomorrow I will take a walk and have coffee in a nice little cafe. The soy latte there is pretty yummy.

A little speechless...

I was catching up with him again, looking at the recent pictures of his mission trip with his daughter.

The wife and him are people I admire and love very much. At a glance, he looks like your typical soccer-loving, speaks your mind, scold the driver who cut in front of your sort of person. He doesn't earn top dollars, and doesn't live a out-of-this-world lifestyle.

Recently, he was told that his company is closing. He was about to lose his job of 10 over years.

He's got 2 kids and a wife to feed. Yet he brought his 11 year old daughter to Batam for a mission trip. She's the youngest there, and is already a good helper in the few trips they've taken. He also does the prison ministry with the church on some weeks.

I asked him if he was worried about the job. I'm sure he is from time to time. His actions sure doesn't show it.

How do people sail through all these and still remain unselfish? Isn't it time to retreat, consolidate your army, and put yourself before the rest? He's still faithfully looking for jobs, and God has been his provider.

I think I remembered why I admired him despite that rough edge he has. Together with his wife, they have been one of the most consistently loving, selfless and patient people I have came to experience. They gave me a glimpse of Christ-likeness.

All these while I was taking time to think about how I can make my life a little better, happier etc...

"Each of you should look not only to your interests, but also to the interests of others" (Philippians 2:4)

Let's connect, superficially...

I am contemplating deleting my profile on facebook.

I was initially drawn into it as a form of keeping in touch with friends I've lost.

When I've found my 'long lost friends', I know I can choose to keep in touch via email.

Be honest to yourself, when did you last spent 10mins looking at someone else's life? And after that and you didn't even write a "Hi" after you sifted through his stack of photos of birthdays, party, trip with his girlfriend, comments on his pet dog and the recent wedding he's attended. Ironically, as much as you have now known the intimate details of his life, you are unlikely to even want to tell him what you did last weekend. 

There are the 'sifters', and there are the 'exhibitionists'. Yes, these two make the perfect pair, and is one of many reasons why facebook continues to thrive. The exhibitionists are the ones who tell others what they did for lunch, pictures of their breakfast, what they are thinking for dinner and if it involves boiling, steaming or blanching. Their updates move faster than the ticker tape of Nasdaq, and they know they have got an audience. Their profile, comments and 432 friends radiates great impressions better than the good news bible. 

Point is, is there a point? We all know there's only superficial truth and an element of WYSI(Not)WYG there. Why waste time writing, and why waste time reading? Would a good old 'Hi, how are things? What about you?' draw more goodness than a medium that relieves us with an avenue to connect superficially?

He

He can grant a wish or make a dream come true
He can paint the clouds and turn the gray to blue
He alone knows where to find the rainbow's end
He alone can see what lies beyond the bend


Finally I felt that I did the right thing. 

Conflicts

“If death and taxes are the first two certainties of life, conflict is the third. Life requires conflict! It is an essential part of God’s redeeming plan. Through conflict we know our need, acknowledge our sin, recognize truth, and it is by conflict God tests our faith.” (Book titled "Leaders on Leadership")

What are you selling?

Ever how you come across to people around you?


I am a very cautious person by nature. There are days I focus more on what can go wrong, versus what is right. I think for that reason, I am a really good operator, good at keeping deadlines and pre-empting risks, but possibly an uninspiring leader.


Walking home in half angst today, I was a little peeved about some work issues. For a moment, I caught myself in that 'mode'. If I saw myself across the road, I'll stay on the my side to avoid the angsty person on the other end.


If the bible is a source of good news, I hope I sell the right goods. Do I sell hope, faith and love? Or gloom, storms and 'what ifs'?

"We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ" (1 Thes 1:3)

Isn't it amazing if you walk into work and you meet someone who radiates faith, hope and love?

Sometimes you have to put logic aside

I'm starting a 21 day prayer (and hopefully fasting of some kind) that the church entering into right now.

Did I even once mention that I'm a sucker for prioritising? For me, everything has a rank, a meaning and an accorded importance.

Lately I find that my attention has been drawn away and I'm too caught up with one or two things.

I hope that this time of prayer will help me realign a little more. To put what's on top at the top.

It's very tempting to say 'better job', 'more friends' or 'happier life'...

But something tells me that it's not just going to be about me.

It's about seeking him first, and the rest will settle.

Who would you marry?

Who would I marry...

At 15, it was that guy with that cute smile.
At 20, it was that guy who smiled at you.
At 25, it was that guy who you enjoyed your dates with
At 30, it was that guy who is your best friend
At 31, it was that guy who is still your best friend and can provide for your kids
At 32, it was that guy who would walk the mile for you and with you
At 33, it is the man who thinks he's found a treasure in you, and your treasure is him.

She said she'll give me lollipops

She said she'll give me lollipops, until I realized that they were made from Play doh.

Her mum is in hospital, after the baby decided to come 2 months early. She misses her dad like crazy, and is especially grouchy in the mornings.

She's especially cheeky, coming from a girl who insists on feeding herself from a big porcelain mug at 1 year old, about the same time I slapped my hand into my first birthday cake and laughed.

I can't say if I like all the new bundles of joy floating around facebook. To me, all babies look the same, and until they can make some meaningful conversation with you, they don't fascinate me much.

(There I said it!.. Shoot me)

Funny how I look at the man and he's not that fascinated with kids too. I used to be that position, and it worried some people a lot. I only love my own... and those who I have a real relationship with.

Someone like my 4 year old niece, who has a life bigger than her auntie here.

Just like Kevin

Recently I was asked by my colleague what my plans are after finishing my last exam. Cheekily, I pulled aside another colleague passing by and asked him the same question.

I asked him "What are your plans for the next 5 years?"
Without hesitating, he answered "I want to start taking control of my life"
I asked "How old are you?"
He answered "40, and hence it's time to start"

For the last few nights, I was flipping through job search pages. The current position is comfortable, the hours are good, the money is fine, but I don't feel the satisfaction. Perhaps it's the way the job is crafted for mediocrity, for those who prefer to make a run at 4.45pm and do the same things day-in-day-out.

Decisions decision...

I've flipped through Australian job sites, and I switch over to the Singapore ones. I did searches ranging from Audit to Assurance, Internal Controls to Business Analyst. There's the dilemma of which way to go. Sha who is close to finishing her ACCA will understand that at the end of the day, starting from scratch to gain a strict accounting experience is not an option. You just have to find a job that allows you to marry up both your previous life and the current one.

Times like these I want to go find a hole to hide.

Like what my colleague says, it's time to take control nevertheless. I don't think status quo is a good option. Comfort can be nice, but most times, it's a long term enemy. Drifting along is just as bad.

I am a planner.. i think about the future on my way to work, while waiting for the lift, on the toilet seat, in between tv programs.

Maybe I should take a leaf from Kevin Rudd... PM one day, jobless the next. I was just reading his tweets a moment ago, and from the numerous agendas and meetings he once had, now his activity of the day is to bring his son to the airport.

Well, what awaits me tomorrow? I think I shall just explore all avenues, and worry about it when it becomes a reality. Just like good ole Kevin Rudd.

The Hand is Free (soon)

My hand is getting out of prison after 5.5 weeks. It's a few days to 6 weeks but I am sneaking the opportunity to get it off since I'm going to Sydney.

The strange thing is that I really would have kept it till 6 weeks. It feels that I have run the race, and finished rightly.

As much as I complained in the earlier weeks, the same discomforts are there, but in a way, I'm past the crest of a big hump. I still struggle with 1 hand - tonight's dinner was disgusting because while trying to haul a laptop, a handbag and a large mcdonalds paper bag (no plastic ones with disabled friendly loops), and talking on the mobile phone with 1 hand, the coke spilled into my chicken mcnuggets and my fries, and then continued on soaking into my handbag. The clean up took longer than eating it, and I chucked half away since they were soggy.

Back to the hand, I was reflecting upon how I went from angst to submission. Factually, nothing has changed. The soggy mcnuggets are still in the bin. The word 'opportunity' just kept popping up. Somehow without the hand, I never knew there'll be strangers who can be concerned about a broken arm. I won't know how someone will stand up to be even more patient and drop yet another gear down. I won't know if another will cook and wash for me without fussing. I won't know how much perserverance I hold inside me, and the threshold of my own patience. Now I know, not just within my head, but with trial-tested assurance, where all these stand.

Jesus in his famous parable of The Good Samaritan, asked "Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?" (The religious people who hurriedly went past him or the one who bandaged his wounds).The expert in the law replied, "The one who had mercy on him." Jesus told him, "Go and do likewise."

On the eve of removing my cast, I can say that the trial wasn't the hardest, and I don't wish to be cliche by saying that testing is good for you, but I dare say that through this harder time, I'm better acquainted with mercy and touched by those who didn't walk away. Oh, I am also more patient with myself too.


Introducing my one-handed friendly friends:
Hooks to hang my clothes instead of doing a balancing act with the hanger with 1 hand and a chin

From left: Disposable cutlery, the wand dish-scrubber, colgate handy pump toothpaste, very large garbage bag with convenient ties, microwave food since I can't cut and slice.

A friend in need is a friend indeed...

There are things I cannot explain.

Such as why you feel lonely with a broken arm, and why the people who can help you are so far away.
While the near and dear seems little to be found
Unfair he cries, why is my world on his shoulders
And he asks for the cup to be taken away

Did they tell you that a friend in need is a friend indeed
Is more an age old fable before the world coined neediness and busyness
That people should be able to stand on their own two feet
And not oblige others with their inequities

Who is just a passing fantasy
Of proven love, of deep assurance
Like a whiff of air
Once there
Now gone

Joyful versus happiness

I was thinking about what it meant when people say that all they want in their life is to be happy.

A few years back, I told a friend that my goal in life was not to be happy. He must have thought I was sadistic.

Then I realised that I must have shocked him.

There's a line in Sophie B Hawkin's "As I lay Me Down" that says "I wonder why I feel so high, though I am not above my sorrows". I do realised that a lot of things in life are many good things which do not make you happy, but they bring your joy.

Obedience, perserverance, responsibility, commitment, being patient, faithfulness, kindness... how happy can we possibly be waiting for someone, committing to something, doing something because out of responsibility, sticking on and pressing on when we don't really feel like it? The ways of the world teaches is to do whatever that makes you happy, and leave the uncomfortable things in life belongs to realms of the religious and overly moralistic.

Happiness is a feeling, joy isn't. Joy is knowing that you are bearing the fruits of the spirit inside you, knowing that even when that moment ends, you come out more like Jesus, who was not above His own sorrows, but walked in joyful obedience to the way of the cross.

Oh yes, how I got this thought.. I was climbing up the stairwell from the first to second floor in between meetings, thinking about what Jack Neo would have done if he resisted his extra-marital temptations and fought the thought that the pursuit of his own happiness isn't just the only goal his life. Very miserable, but hopefully responsibly and obediently joyful.

Still a special bunch...

At 11.30pm, my phone rings. Wonder who can it be.

Voices came on the other side, it was Audrey. Then more voices, and I remembered that it was 27  Feb. They have included me in the email for the CNY gathering at Angie's.

They took turns to talk to me, every one of them, except Angie who was tending to the baby. I don't know if they knew I was envious, and was also touched. For the short moments, I caught myself laughing. They are such happy, generous, thoughtful and amazing people.

I missed the tribe. I must have been very blessed to know people who still thought of me after 6 years of absence.

Happy new year to you all too. God bless all of you.

When Love Happens After Valentine's Day

We didn't have a fancy Valentine's day. I made 3 photo collages of all our shared moments, and he bought me some tulips. We had lunch at South Melbourne, walked around the NGV, and he had to spend chinese new year dinner with his family. We weren't in the best of lovey moods.

24 hours later, I called him after spotting a moth in the room. I have a out-of-proportion fear for moths (second only to cockroaches). It was 1.20am. There is no one at the house. I called him up in panic, and he tried pacifying me in his drowsiness. When the moth went into hiding, I went into panic, imaginations of how it will fly into my face surfaces. I have a knack for attracting creepy crawlies- a cockroach flew right unto my face while I was sleeping once, another one crept up my foot... a beetle flew past and got stuck in my hair even as I was running away from it, a spider I spotted in the living room walked right next to me in the shower stall, another spider with fat hairy legs nearly got flung unto me when I slammed the car door closed, and I ran out from the other side before you can say 'OMG'.

Back to the eventful night, he got into his car after hearing me fruitless attempts at trying to prod everything using a mop. Unfortunately, I only found the moth after he was already reaching.

The strange thing was, I felt that love happened after valentine's day. As I type, I am still looking at the pretty pink tulips in their half blossoms, but I can't help knowing that as unromantic as it sounds, there was love happening when someone gets out of bed, drives 20mins each way to help you rid a harmless moth.

I am still thinking about it at 3am...

What do you want to reap?

What do you want to reap tomorrow?

Just thinking about it makes me nervous, sometimes sad.

Nervous because I don't know if I am making the right decision. Sad because I usually have a humanly-devised ideal solution that is also usually out of reach.

Amidst the slew of decisions made and those to be made in the next few weeks, I was listening to the Derek Prince podcast on my way home today. He spoke on finding security in doing God's will. It reminded me of how as I grew older, I am more afraid of making wrong decisions, even little mistakes that will cost me a day of wasted time. My patience with myself falls short as well.

I know doing God's will will reap me the right fruits, and knowing that you are doing it with God's stamp of approval makes you feel real secure. Think about making a heavy financial investment by yourself versus together with someone. The risk of defaulting is definitely there, but the level of risk is mitigated by the strongest person in the partnership. If God is all powerful, then I want to have him in all the scary decisions that I make.

Time to snooze. Too much frustrations tonight...

Deja Vu

"Hey, how's your day? Is everything going fine?"

It was a text message that brought back a sense of deja vu. Some years back, while I was feeling sad, having a stomachache and the cat was sick, there was another sms that was came that same manner, only much more touching.

I laughed as we exchanged a few more texts and I fell asleep happily soon after.

In For One More Day, Mitch Albom wrote about Charley Benetto who was at his end of his wits. He was about to visit his childhood home to end his life, until he had a flashback, spending one final day with his dead mother. Together with his mother, he went back in time to see how his mother never stopped loving him and his sister, despite him trying to gain validation from an absent dad. The sections "Times I did not stand up for my mother" vs "Times My mother stood up for me" was bittersweet for me as well. In the end, Charley did not want to die any more, for he discovered how much his life was valued by being loved.

Know the ones who love you, for even when love cannot change circumstances, it can still lift you out of your darkest pits.

For the thief (devil) comes to destroy, but Jesus came that we may have life, and have it abundantly (John 10:10).

A Whiff of Fresh Air

Isn't it strange how you never noticed someone's soft spot for you till you zoom out to look at the bigger picture?

Faithfulness and Uncertainty

Sometimes, we will have to make a 100 percent commitment to something even thought we do not have 100 percent certainty in our beliefs about it. When we can live in the midst of uncertainty with joyful and courageous commitment, we will change. We will become, maybe not more certain, but more faithful. And faithfulness matters more than certainty. It just doesn't feel as good.

What matters then is not certainty, but faithfulness. When certainty is not possible, faithfulness is still on the table.

Out of the Craziness

I must be the only one to be glad that the holidays are over.

Four full days in Sydney: eating roasts, a big nectarine & apricot cake, drinking copious amount of coffee and wine, reuniting with intersate and overseas friends, meeting up Kwok's colleagues from Mallesons, Rockband, brekky @ Bills and Gunners Barracks (both thumbs down), beautiful Mosman with dreamy yatchs just outside the balcony (to die for)...

I'm back to normalcy again. I haven't quite had that much time to think about things amidst the crazy buzz of the holidays.

Most of all, I always thought I wanted an answer to something, without figuring out if I myself had the answer. I haven't sat myself down to seriously consider if this was something I wanted. Reasons aside, I have deviated to a point that I need to slow myself down and take serious stock.

My first temptation came shortly after they've kept the fireworks. The recruiter called once again. He's always given me the feeling of someone manipulative. Before he can dangle another questionable job offer for this year, I got ahead of him by politely telling him what jobs I am truly interested in. Did I want to hear the rest? No thanks. I would like to stay focused. He later emailed to wish me happy new year.

If 2009 is a drift-along year, 2010 will be more adventurous and fruitful. Give me something exciting to work with, and with the help from God, it'll surely bring forth good fruits.

Christmas Ironies

It's Christmas day today and I'm heading off to Sydney in a few hours.

Driving along the freeway tonight, I was having a conversation with God. I thanked Him for sending Jesus down to earth, and to eventually die for us.

Jesus is his manifestation of God's love for us. This is why we celebrate Christmas.

Yet there are people I know that wished for this season to be over soon. It's a time where they are reminded of their loneliness, the lack of loved-ones around, the silence of the house as their neighbours fairy lights blinked on. All is calm, but there is no sleeping in heavenly peace.

I don't have family and close friends with me at this moment. Pangs of sadness did hit me as I was doing my last minute Christmas shopping and images of happy people and rowdy noises overwhelme me. I was also reminded of a single mother who will be spending Christmas all by herself. My heart sunk and I told God how much I really missed Him as my company.

So I ended the conversation in the car telling God that Christmas should be even more for those who are sad, lonely and hurting- for these are the people God has so much love for. Jesus would have invited them to his birthday party today.

Maybe another day.... when Christmas is really celebrated for what it is meant for.

Before 35

My good friend Sha did this in her blog, and I thought it's good to think about it (while recuperating at home from a lousy bout of gastro)

Things I would like to do before 35
1) Get married- Highly dependent on God
2) Be conversant in French - gave a lot back since sitting in french class in uni speaking hokkien with angela... oh, that and checking out the butt of the french instructor.
3) Finish the 10km marathon - I will sign up for the next one in 2010
4) Live in a place I can call my own - no more fearful eviction letters from housing agents!
5) Bring a person in need of God to church - not just inviting a friend
6) Serve in church
7) Learn photoshop
8) Finish reading the bible
9) Go camping
10) Swim and cycle decently

Some Japan Pics

I can still dream of Japan from time to time.

If you ask me, I will go back there again, maybe in a different season.

I love the Asian-ness of the place.

Fushimi Inari - Too many Torii (gates) to count... thousands...
























Mister Donut- Our morning staple. The green tea flavoured ones always runs out first.



















Streets of Takayama - This is my favourite strip of all Japan. I love the wooden shophouses and the amazing local products, crafts, food of the Hida region. I can go walk there 1,000,000 times.


















A really nice sweet shop in Takayama- Did I tell you that I really like sweets? I'm also a sucker for good looking sweets.
















Shirakawa-go: 1 hour bus ride from Takayama. It is nestled in the valleys. During the winter, all the thatched roofs are laden with a thick layer of snow. I can huddle here for my honeymoon or something. It is soooo dreamy!

Der Raum

Trying to paint the town red again.

This time, we headed down to 2008 Bar of the Year- Der Raum at Church St. This unpretentious little cocktail joint is not your everyday cocktail lounge. The bartenders there are not only cute, but they are apt at finding you the right cooktail, as well as making cocktail blending look like such an amazing craft!

After mulling through the cocktail list for a good 10 mins, I was lured into ordering a Lemon Buttered Rum, just because it's got lemon butter, and maple syrup! The man ordered a a chocolate cocktail- a mixture of chocolate and yellow chartreuse (spice-like liquor) and frozen using liquid nitrogen into an ice-cream texture in 1 minute flat. It was fascinating to watch, very much like Macbeth and the witches cauldron bubbling with smoke as the bartender mix the ingredients up with his long metal spoon. I'm glad I got the bar seat, because the fun is really in the watching. The presentation of the drinks was creative and nothing short of a high ball glass.

Of course, did I already mention the cute bartenders? They are real friendly, and not the stuck-up sorts you see in most bars. The guy who who made my drink made it a point to chat with us, not in a patronising sort of way, but trying to suss out what sort of flavours we like so that he can make our drinking experience more satisfying.

The man was probably more delighted to meet Masterchef finalist Linda Kowalski. I thought she was quite nice when we were talking about her food escapades in Italy. Of course, I did not realise who she is as I am ridiculously bad at recognising faces. I can have Matt Preston sit next to me and I'll be asking him what he does for a living.

The bartender trying to mix the chocolate cocktail with liquid nitrogen

If work is the context, what's the goal?

I've been thinking about this a little.

While no one will be able to come to their own funeral to hear the eulogies, you can certainly tell a little with the numerous farewells in life.

A colleague just left. I bought her the card and present on behalf of the team, another colleague organised a lunch. We weren't that close to her, but decided that if we weren't doing it, no one was going to.

Which is a little strange, considering she's been seen as such a good worker. She works long hours, delivers her assignments with spunk, and might be one of the more professional people I've worked with.

Problem is, she's too task driven to stop to have a real chat with any of us. The 'hi' is always a prelude to work. We sort of gave up talking much to her after a while, feeling like all she wanted was to just tick the box, and not really being that interested in our lives.

Maybe it is not everyone's mantra to make friends at work, just keep it at colleague level.

Which may have explained why the farewell was a little nondescript.

If God gave us work as a context, what is the goal?

I'd like to think that it is to show God's love and glory.

But is it a little hard to do so if there weren't bonds of human relationship that acts as a bridge between two people. It is from this bridge that God's love and glory get a chance to travel back and forth.

I never think work is about working 8-12 hours, delivering the goods and leave feeling that you never really made a difference around those you worked with.

Humans... we are made to connect aren't we?

Marriage...

Was reading through these interesting write-ups about marriage:

“Marriage can be wonderful. It can be deeply satisfying and mutually fulfilling. But if it becomes that, it is because both partners have paid a very high price over many years to make it that way. They will have died to selfishness a thousand times. They will have had countless difficult conversations. They will have endured sleepless nights and strained days. They will have prayed hundreds of prayers for wisdom and patience and courage and understanding. They will have said ‘I’m sorry’ too many times to remember. They will have been stretched to the breaking point often enough to have learned that, unless Christ is at the center of both of their lives, the odds for achieving marital satisfaction are very, very low.”

(Bill Hybels, Fit to be Tied)


“I have no way of knowing whether or not you married the wrong person, but I do know that many people have a lot of wrong ideas about marriage and what it takes to make that marriage happy successful. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s possible that you did marry the wrong person. However if you treat the wrong person like the right person, you could well end up having married the right person after all.

On the other hand, if you marry the right person, and treat that person wrong, you certainly will have ended up marrying the wrong person. I also know that it is far more important to be the right kind of person than it is to marry the right person. In short, whether you married the right or wrong person is primarily up to you.”

(Zig Ziglar)

Heart's desires

I actually don't know what my yearnings are for, to go back to the days of the 20s, or the people whom I left behind.

Since I got out of school, I couldn't think of a year where I couldn't get friends for a holiday. There were some friends who have gone places with me, whom I know are such great traveling buddies. Among people like Audrey and Atikah, there was the annual tribal trip. For the last 2 years, the tribal trip had to take a backseat as two members had their little ones.

The thing is, my heart still longs for a holiday, and it feels lonely not having someone to get excited with. I haven't been able to find a traveling buddy here.

I thought a lot about my friends back home a lot. I probably thought more about them than I contact them. You know you've aged when you think about the past more than the future.

I used to think I'd like to be in Melbourne because of the work-life balance. I thought about having my own family and wanted very much to have time for that. In a nutshell, I bought the biggest bucket, and stood waiting for rain.

Yet the rain never really came.

I guess I never thought about Plan B. Like a lot of people my age, it would be nice to be near family and friends, people who understand you and accept you.

I'll be still standing around with my bucket, but if the rain doesn't come, life has to go on, and choices to be made. Idealism has to sometimes take a back seat, and the reality is what really counts for now.

Nevertheless, I thank God that He's given me a place to rest, and when I need to move on, He'll bring me to the next place. Hey, this sure sounds like 40 years in the desert isn't it?!

Random Thoughts...

Well, I was suppose to blog about last week's travel to New Zealand, but since I'm working on a different laptop now, I can't post up the pics. So just some random thoughts to fill the blanks.

Some week ago, the cell group played an icebreaker answering the question "Who would you like to sit next to in a plane on a long-haul flight? (other than your partner)". In my teens, it would have been some movie star, then in my early 20s, it'll be some cute guy with more than 8hours potential, but the strangest answer that most gave now is "hopefully there's no one sitting next to me so i can have more space!"

I had that dream come true over my recent work trip to Wellington. I had 2 empty seats next to me on my way there and back, a hotel upgrade to the executive suit with a large king bed and 8 pillows to boot (plus a pillow menu with 4 other kinds of pillows to add on), but how many pillows does 1 person need? I had a card to swipe for 3 nice meals everyday, and yet there was just that many times you can muster a 'Table for 1 please' and not get a "pardon?" from the wait staff. For all that's worth, I'll trade all the fancy stuff in for a travelling buddy!

Is there a place for 1 in this world? Are we our best and worse company?

I must say I've been accustomed to both lifestyles. As I disembarked the plane this time, I did felt that I've taken too many solo plane flights in the last decade, with each time becoming more normal and less of an adventure. 

N.B: For the record, I did walk into a noisy Belgian pub and asked for a huge pot of mussels, fries and a beer, sat in the middle of the restaurant, tackled as many of my green-lipped mussels, slurped my Belle Vue Krik, and at no time did I attempt to hide under the guise of being engrossed in a novel/newspaper/text messages. I did score better service with the waitress who probably thought I got stood up by a date.

View from the NZ Office's Breakout Room




































View from the hotel balcony- NZ Post Building

























Weekend Breakfast at Cuba St - Floriditas

Autumn Snow

Victoria experienced a cold snap in the midst of Autumn last week. Besides digging up those winter woolies from the recesses of your cupboard, I dug up those gloves and beanies as well.

Mt Buller opened for the weekend as a result of the snow dump. The Bourke Street run was opened, and close to 2000 excited victorians made their way up for an early pilgrimage.

Besides slight patches of mud/grass threatening to show on the flatter slopes of the run, I am a happy snowboarder again. This time, I am less of a tumblebunny than a snow bunny, so I must say that I enjoyed myself more this time round. 4 years back, it took me 2hours to get down the same run on a pair of skis, but this time took me only 2 mins with the snowboard. Wheee!... Oh, Autumn skiing is very very very hot. If I had my way, a singlet and shorts will do me just fine.

Matthias and Flora came with us, and Flora did rather well, managing the run at the end of the afternoon. There were not that many beginners since none of the facilities were opened. Evidently, there was more snowboarders than skiers, and I stand by my choice that snowboarding is reallllllly more fun! (Thanks to the lighter Burton Board as well.. tsk tsk)

Hmm... this may be the end of snow season for me, even before the real snow season started!