Is it time to go...

I started writing this blog as a way of recording the 1.5 years I was supposed to be here.

Have I overstayed? Is it time to leave?

I no longer have very compelling reasons to stay on.

Something happened today that has made me ponder over this even harder.

"Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young— a place near your altar."

The Wrong Kind of Love

In the last 8 hours, I have talked to a divorced mother of 2 who turned lesbian, had lunch with a man who married twice, had a drink with a woman recently spurned and rejected by her husband, and got literally carried off my feet by a handsome gay man who got too excited talking to me about his holiday plans with his partner.

It made me wonder about love. Who's found it, who's lost it, and who is the happiest? Did the right way not worked out and the wrong way did?

When Jesus said "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends", he didn't try to be philosophical about love. Think of all the reasons for breakups and divorces and you'll only find a coward with a selfish motivation where love has failed to provide for the insatiable "how-can-i-be-fulfilled" appetite- finding a truer love, a better person, an ideal match, a higher feeling. Have they tried expanding their capacity to love, instead of changing their object of love whenever they hit a snag? Would finding that true love make love so easy and so unburdensome that you can skip your way to 'happy ever after'?

From the selfish coward to the unnecessary hero of love-"Unattainability" as C.S Lewis so eloquently put as the essential quality of love, the intense joy that lies in not having but desiring- celebrates the romantic masochist but had conveniently buried the rest who had their heart sick with deferred hope or hopelessness. Let us not forget that "unattainability" was also the same word that seduced Eve to disregard all that God has given but desire for what she could not have in the garden. Real love always hopes, always trusts and always perseveres.

Give me a real hero who will fight for his love in the real battlefield instead of the pseudo longsuffering romeo in his armchair.

Love is an act, a decision and a sacrifice. The others are best left in fairy tales and the cinema (and the bar that I've just walked out of).

When I woke up and saw the blue skies...

I know people use the topic of weather during small-talk, but when the weather change, I really feel my mood change as well.

We had a bout of warm weather yesterday. It was nicely warm and sunny, and it made me miss the beach. I remembered how there was no where else I wanted to be last summer, just the beach, beach and more beach.

It's not really summer yet, but yesterday's weather was probably a nice sneak. I was recovering, but still ended up doing a long walk in the morning, and another run in the late afternoon.

Today, I ended up still feeling a little under the weather, and while hiding under the sheets with my heater turned up, I'm wishing that I am rugged up sitting on the sand watching the waves and sunset instead.

Till another blue skies day...

Faith like a mustard seed...

If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. (Matthew 17:20)

Mum was relating an incident that happened to her recently. One of her acquaintance told her about something she was praying for. Both my mum and her friend are not Christians.

Mum: "I tell you something incredible. My friend told me that she actually prayed to Jesus to grant her a job, and that this job be situated near to a Buddhist temple so that she drop in during and after work.. Can you imagine her shock when she really got a job, and there was a really huge temple nearby? And I don't believe she actually had the audacity to pray to Jesus about it. If your Jesus really did answer her prayer, he must be the most gracious God ever."

We laughed at how incredible it was and agreed that she owed Jesus a great deal.

However, Jesus did answered such a seemingly contradictory prayer; Mum was right, Jesus has to be a ridiculously gracious God to do that. She showed me something that I never saw from my own Christian eyes.

And her friend, though not Christian, knew which God to pour her heart's desires to, totally disregarded the probability of how this silly prayer will be answered and prayed with conviction for her prayer to be answered. She'll attest today that it was Jesus who answered her prayers.

As I was reading the above verse tonight, I ask myself how I approach God for His help. Too often, I fall into the tyranny of analyzing the contents of my prayer, if it was a prayer God will answer, if it's right to pray such a prayer, if I was 'against His will' praying this, if the answer likely to be a 'No', then I might not pray it. I've complicated prayer too much.

Come with faith like a mustard seed, and believe that nothing is really impossible for God, even silly ones. His graciousness is beyond our understanding.

Sick...

Finally succumbed to it... I've fallen sick.

Must be God's way of letting me mindlessly sleep in peace, and get some much needed rest.

I feel like a car right now - the only way to raise an alarm is when it refuses to move any more. Have been pushing myself in every aspect these days, popping panadols just to get through the day without calling in sick. Decided to get off work slightly earlier today to take a hot shower and nap through the evening. Feeling awfully chilly.

Time to sleep again. The car really needs a rest.

For a special person...

I still kept the few old sms that reminded me of how the friendship blossomed. This friend doesn't get enough mention in this blog, because it always seems like there are so many other opportunities to express appreciation.

Someone who has been with me, saw the highest and lowest, listened to me, laughed with me, and even after the many many days and months we shared together, I never got tired of spending time with you.

Friend, if you are reading this blog, just want to tell you the gratitude I feel when I think about you. Even in the rather low moments, my heart doesn't feel totally defeated because I know you are close by.

Thank God for bringing us together. I am really blessed.

Have I grown stupid?

I really like this verse: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Although common, this verse springs out a different way at me every time I meditate on it when I'm confused. Why am I told to trust in Him with all my heart and ignore my head? Aren't feelings like shifting sands and the mind more superior to the heart?

Out of curiosity, I read the verse preceding: "Let Love and Faithfulness never leave you... write them on the tablet of your heart" and then realised, "Wait, I can never trust God completely if I simply depended on my head". Over the last few years, the facts I came to know of, the signs I witnessed, the outcomes I experienced, can never compel me to surrender all to him. Someone dies, another marriage broken, disappointments, unanswered prayers, dashed hopes, love betrayed... how can I possibly and logically leave my future with God? My mind sees and analyses facts, but it is my heart that is attuned to perceiving God's heart and His love.

Where do you hide your love and faithfulness? In your head or in your heart?

A random sweet song...

Got a habit of repeating the same songs over these days. I was listening to 'I'm Yours' by Jason Mraz and caught this song 'Lucky' from the same album as well. The lyrics fine, but it's the tune and the duet that makes it such a sweetie.

Landing in the Wrong Land...

Have you ever had an idealized version of a life, relationship, family, spouse, job, and yet you got derailed in that vision? Though not exactly disastrous situations, you are caught between stomping your feet crying 'no no no, that's not what I've wanted!' and accepting a not-so-ideal.

I was reading Mark Conner's blog, and was moved by this poem "Welcome to Holland" written by Emily Pearl Kingsley, a parent of a special needs child.

"I am often asked to describe the experience
Of raising a child with a disability,
To help people, who have not shared that unique experience,
Understand it
And imagine how it would feel.
It's like this
When you're going to have a baby,
It's like planning a fabulous trip to Italy;
You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans-
The Coliseum, Michelangelo's David, the gondolas in Venice-
You may even learn some handy phrases in Italian.
It's all very exciting.
After all the months of eager anticipation,
The day finally arrives.
You pack your bags and off you go
Several hours later, the plane lands,
The stewardess comes in and says
'Welcome to Holland'.
'HOLLAND!?' you say. 'What do you mean, Holland?
I signed up for Italy.
I'm supposed to be in Italy.
All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy'.
But there has been a change in the flight plan.
The important thing is
That they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place
Full of pestilence, famine and disease.
It's just a different place.
So, you must go out and buy new guidebooks.
And you must learn a whole new language.
And you will meet a whole new group of people
You would never have otherwise met.
It's just a different place.
It's slower paced than Italy;
Less flashy than Italy.
But after you've been there for a while
And catch your breath,
You look around and you begin to notice
That Holland has windmills;
Holland has tulips;
Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy,
And they're all bragging about the wonderful time they had.
And for the rest of your life you will say
'Yes, that's where I was supposed to go;
That's what I had planned'.
The pain of that will never, ever go away,
Because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss.
But if you spend your life mourning the fact
That you didn't get to Italy,
You may never be free to enjoy
The very special, the very lovely things about Holland."

Snowy Weekend

We've got quite a good snow season this year. After bumping my head silly in spring snow last year, this year proved to be a less painful experience. Furthermore, Dan has arranged a good trip with great people, nice accom, and hordes and hordes of food.

I'm glad I didn't waver in my choice to drop snowboarding for skiing this year. The soft snow makes digging into the snow easier (not to mention falling on your face is quite a breeze too). The other 'smart' thing I did was to get myself enrolled in 3 hours of private lessons. As much as that meant I have to survive on instant noodles and bean sprouts for the next few weeks, it brought me up to speed and within a day, I found myself doing the J-turns and trying to link a few turns- after which you can officially call yourself a 'snowboarder' instead of a 'tumbling snow eater'. Click here if you are new to what I'm talking about.

The only downside is that Mount Hotham caters more to the Intermediate and Expert skiers, and the very very downside is that my snowboard crush of last year would still be in Falls Creek. So there wasn't a smitten kitten at the end of my lessons as Chris my South African instructor was only too keen to earn my extra bucks.

I inherited two amazing big blue blacks, but otherwise, I'm quite happy that it's a giant well-faced again. I seriously won't mind going for another trip before this season ends, but the 5 hours drive up there is a big hold back.

Well, till the next snowfall again.

When love is a decision away...

I am the baby of my department, and I hang out with the ang moh 'uncles' for lunch, people in their 40s-50s who are married with growing/grown up children.

One of our favourite lunch topic is our views of marriage. It's interesting to see how they met their spouses, how it all started with love or even physical attraction, and how all of them agree that their spouses have grown differently from when they first started. Graham the 55 year old laughs at the tiff he had with his wife the night before (and you know they'll patch up in no time), and Grant still calls his wife every lunchtime and calls her 'darling' after 20 years of marriage.

It makes me wonder in light of a few divorces that are hanging around me, if love is sustained by interests/similarities or a decision to want to make love work. My fren Nel said that one of the things she admired about her husband when they were dating is how he never saw the exit door as an option when things don't turn out well.

Over the years, I've been in good and bad human relationships to develop my personal outlook on love. As much as I can be emotional at times, I love not because I want love returned in that same capacity, or do I give as much as what someone deserves. In the last few months, I thank God for teaching me how to love beyond what I'm usually comfortable with. It's easy to love what you like, when others do things your way, share your similarities, and anything that doesn't go against your grain of things. I know I can also succumb to an easy relationship of being loved, but I will come out none the wiser about my capability and capacity of loving.

Love is a challenge. In every quarrel, disagreement, irksome differences, there lies an opportunity to extend my ability to love.

Is love about similarities, or is it more a decision of wanting to be challenged to grow your love as wide as to cover differences?

10 to 1

I promised Daisy this... the 10 most often used aussie words/phrases to use in various social contexts.

In no particular order of usage
1) He/You make me uncomfortable / As long as you are comfortable with it
2) He/you are annoying
3) He is like/ it's like / I'm so like...
4) Fair Dinkum
5) Beauty! / Gold (nothing to do with beautiful woman or striking gold)
6) Reckon (I reckon it gets used a lot to express our thoughts)
7) 'Happy' to do blah blah blah.. (I hail from a country where no one can possibly happy to do any 'work')
8) Chuck a sickie (My all time favourite and someone's going to do that on Wed)
9) Heaps (a lot, many, much)
10) Whinge (complain)

One Happy Post

There were two thoughts of the week that got me thinking... that mmm... it was all worth it.

I was spending the last 10mins of my work reading a list of prayer requests from Singapore. They all sounded stressed. There I was, preparing to go home on the dot.

Then a friend back home commented to me that sometimes life seemed to be a cycle of working hard, resting and before you know it, Monday is back again. There's just no reprieve to it.

Tomorrow is Monday again. Yet I do not feel like I dread going to work. Over the weekend, I went to watch Hamlet at the Arts Centre, went to the hairdressers, had a Spanish dinner, went to church, dropped by the art gallery, and watched 'Definitely Maybe'. Exactly a week ago I was throwing snowballs at Lake Mountain, and trying to do an Edward Scissorshands with heaps of fresh snow falling down on me.

I have been really enjoying my weekends, and I feel really in bliss to be able to enjoy all these activities. At the risk of sounding airy fairy, it's not so much that I will be unhappy in Singapore, but I'm glad I can walk to work every Monday without feeling the heaven-to-hell difference.

The winter is cold but my heart's nicely warmed.

Thanks to the necessary hero who's larger than life to me today.

It's been a long while....

Can't whip out the lengthy tabloid version, only the ticker tape version of how life has been for the last couple of months.

Beautiful things: Saw a lovely sunset at the Mornington, climbed the Pinnacles @ the Grampians, saw yet another sunset there. Took numerous walks at the Botanical Gardens and Fitzroy Gardens, catching the autumn leaves as they fall. Went to the NGV for the Modern Britain and Black in Fashion exhibitions.

I ate like a whale too. I was stuffed with food at Apte, Bistro Guillaume, 312, Green Refractory, Money Order Office, No 3 @ Station Pier, Ocha. Great food all round, tonnes of calories, horrendously loved.

Winter, though commenced 1 month back, has finally arrived. Feels so cold!

At the Grampians









(In case you are wondering why the fish is stuck to the pics from the Grampians, Blogger has altered its formatting that makes it hard for me to add multiple pics now. It's 1am and I'm too tired to figure it out)

Things that happen in the dark...

To run over or not to run over? That was the question a friend of mine asked me while we were driving in the countryside of UK where animals often cross paths with speeding cars. I know my frivolous answer will be 'depending on whether the animal is cute'.

I've never ran over any animal in all my trips, altho Larry has collided with a bird, stopped in time for a water buffalo and a wallaby in Northern Territories, and I have in other instances, tail-gated sheeps and wombats.

But what about going head-on with a cute koala bear? To be fair, I could not tell if it was 'cute', but it was sitting lazily in the middle of the windy curves of Great Ocean Road, and my night rider was driving his 100th time on the familiar same stretch (read: speeding), and in a split second, I saw it right in our path, staring at us, and while I let out a short "eeeeeeeeeeeeks!", I could hear the sound of 'wham, bam!'. Shocked, I did not dare contemplate how it could have survived the impact, but swerving was not an option along this treacherous coastal stretch in pitch black darkness. Assessing the damage, the number plate was dented, the plastic covering it was smashed and the plastic underneath the car was scraped off. I wondered if Mr Koala died without pain, hopefully the absence of blood and gore proves it.

Other than this almost macabre incident, it was a nice day in Lorne. I love being near the beach, waking up to a relaxed feeling, having an outdoor brekky at the Arab, and popping into the unit to read and rest and out again to walk along the falls, rivers and art galleries. We finished with dinner at Ba Ba Lu - a spanish restaurant with a band playing jazzy-type music while we indulged in grilled optopus, chorizo with caramelised onion jam and a mushroom and rocket entree. I love it!


Illustrations for the more visually inclined- the view from the car by day and by night:

I'm in denial again...

I'm back into the in-denial-about-my-CPA phase. I found a midnight game of Scrabble to be more interesting, (I won!) and we played our 2nd challenge on the rooftop on an Autummy Melbourne day. Unfortuntately, 'Autummy' is not a real word, and even more unfortunately, 'Launders' is... and according to the rules of Scrabble, using all that 8 tiles allowed my opponent to gain that 50 bonus points that made me contemplate either jumping off the roof, or pushing him off.

Had a meal and jaunt at The Maling Room after the game and really enjoyed the Serrano ham, an nice latte and a homemade quiche. Yummss.. smacks lips... Maling Road in Canterbury is quite an attraction in itself, with art galleries, fromagerie, boulangerie and chocolaterie in rows of Edwardian style shophouses.

Past the daylight savings hours, I'm now nursing a porterhouse steak, rocket salad, earl grey tea, soy bean milk and a 'bao' (bun). Oh, did I even say I didn't have to cook any of that! I lurrve it!


The 1st Scrabble Challenge

Armchair Holiday

I spent the last hour ignoring my CPA notes and was instead, taking an armchair holiday. At last count, I was at Fairhaven watching the 4 metres waves crashing up the shoreline. I wanted to take a little trip somewhere before I start on my new job, but everything happened so fast that I'm only left with this weekend.

It's been a month since my last trip to the beach, although it feels way too long. Come think of it, it'll be nice to be sitting in the quiet night right now with the sound of the waves and the crescent moon shining above, tracing silvery paths of the little twinkling stars in the utter darkness of the night isn't it?

The last time I did that, I was lying on the beach till 3am, counting 22 shooting stars that flew by.

I have to be dreaming...

Losing to Gain

"The best boundary against giving in to bad relationships, less-than-satisfactory relationships, or bad dynamics in a good relationship is your not needing that relationship." (Boundaries before Marriage- Cloud and Townsend)

I don't mean divorce, break ups or the actions to take against a bad relationship. As I thought about what to write to a friend over the weekend, I know she was not seeking my advice as to 'what she should do', but rather, how to 'think' when you feel that you are in a relationship gone wrong. I flipped through "Boundaries before Marriage' for the 3rd time, and my eyes remained on this line. I partially liked it because I do like ironies- one of my crazy quirks, but most of all, I thought that is a good line to reflect upon even in my own relationships.

Over last year, I only found courage to confront a friend after I decided not to 'need that friendship'. It was a very good friend I'm talking about, but I was beginning to feel that there was an imbalance in how we give and receive in that friendship. 3 months of silence and 3000 kms later, we had a very frank talk about how we felt in the relationship, something we never done over the 18 years of friendship. I knew I stand losing a valuable friendship if she had walked away during that silence, and I could have allowed myself to harbour feelings of being compromised and keep the friendship for the sake of it. It is an irony that it was only through not needing the friendship that I found myself reclaiming a better friendship in the process.

Not needing the relationship doesn't mean that you no longer care about the relationship, or that you should take the first boat/bus/tram out, but it simply means you are no longer holding yourself hostage to the relationship by needing that relationship so badly that you forget the reason why you were in that relationship in the first place. At the thought of losing, you are happy to settle for form over substance, not realising how it would return to gnaw at you later.

Reflecting on that line as I finish writing that letter, I found out that the difference between playing first and second fiddle is possessing courage and faith- courage to lose, but faith to claim the better.

Made a shortbread...

I just made a shortbread for Easter. Anyone wants a slice?

How to add a dash of fun...

It's the place that makes an outing fun, but it's the people who makes fun possible.

That was the conclusion I made after last Saturday's trip to Monsalvat. It was a lazy afternoon, 2 people just got off work, 1 was fully charred and I was as usual, a happy tripster. It was suppose to be a larger group outing, but I'm glad Dan kept it going.

In the end, it was quite a funny trip. I like the old French architecture, the rustic little artist workshops, the art galleries, right down to the rusted metal wheel sitting next to a whitewashed cobwebbed wall. The fun part came when everyone took turns snapping silly pictures of ourselves, just to compensate for the heat that attempted to dull our enthusiasm.

I'll let the pics speak for me... It's been a long week and I have procrastinated this entry till now!