Great faith results in great surrender.
I am a planner. I look far, plan wide, worry about tomorrow, the next week, think about the next job at the start of a current one, aim strategically, have visions, and cross my fingers.
At 21, a friend of mine shared with me about what his Professor talked about in Stanford, about writing out a 10 year plan for his life, I was inspired and wrote my own. It was difficult to write at that juncture, not even knowing what my career path will be, in an era of post Asian financial crisis. I knew I still wrote long and hard.
I find it hard to sit back and relax. My parents relied on me to be independent. Whatever choices I made, I was expected to bear the consequences.
Personally, I found it hard to 'let God' or follow His will. In my earlier world, if I do not step in to personally do, who else will do it for me?
Like the Israelites, it took me a long time and walking in circles before I know that my life was better surrendering to Him. By surrendering, I do not mean not doing anything, but moving through life pausing to consider if there was a direction I could yield myself to.
For now I come to His altar without much to offer. In the last few years, I have chosen to make independent decisions of relationships, jobs and finances without considering Him. I was in my planning mood, and eager to check the box without wanting to be sidetracked. In retrospect, it was a risky gamble, with consequences that made me feel like the prodigal daughter.
I did not 'come home' willingly though. I wrestled, bargained, pleaded, fought and mentally dug out my blueprints and angrily shook it at God's face. I had a good and fruitful plan, had the best intentions, put in my 120%, played it honest and fair, did it in great love, and I was then put into a spot where I have to dump that blueprint into the trash.
I came home eventually, tired and spent. Time passed, and I finally knew what it felt to let go and let God. I also came to learn that His plans are better than my plans, since what was I to know at 21 about the things that would have happened down the road. There are just so many unpredictable and uncontrollable things in life that is better put in the hands of the one who knows.
Last weekend, we took some old folks from the nursing home to the new Sentosa Sea Aquarium. I had an 88 year old in my charge. She was a quiet and pensive lady and very lucid at her age. On our bus ride there, she told me 'I am just waiting for my time to come'. Her husband had passed on earlier, and they have no children. She still wears her wedding ring, and in a culture like Singapore, you only go to the nursing home if there is no one who can care for you. Sitting with her, I wondered if her life had panned out the way she planned, if there were things she wished she had done differently, what is she planning after 88, and is it silly planning one's life so that we can diligently congratulate ourselves that we have checked those boxes we drew for ourselves, so we can now die with 'sensibility' and 'success' carved on our tombstones.
I am still diligent in the things that I am supposed to be doing now, except that I operate with a lot more space for God. I feel more peace about my relationships and job decisions, and lesser things threaten me when I know I am willing to let go of it when it is appropriate to do so. I have a renewed appreciation of not worrying about life and ticking time, not because I have decided to dumb-down, but to have faith through surrendering- something that looks deceptively simple on the surface, but requires such profound trust in God for it to happen.
